To ask, if you were me what would you do in this situation (work-related)?

[herversion]

I'm in my 20s, single, no children. I worked one job after university for a few months, it was in my field and a good stepping stone and I'm now in my second job of my career.

I've been there for 1.5 years and still feel unsettled. I'm not really close with any of my colleagues so I feel really lonely and out of place there. I'm good at the job, but I don't really have good days there, just 'ok' days. Most days are bad, I'm either struggling to concentrate and feeling unmotivated and down, or I'm on a high of anxiety and adrenaline trying to meet deadlines. My mental health took a really big dip last year, and I ended up getting signed off work with depression for 3 months. Once I returned, things seemed better but now things are starting to slip again and I just can't do it anymore. I can't face 2023 here. The pay is decent for my age and experience, and I will struggle to match that without stepping into a pretty similar role, where I think the same problems will follow me around.

My notice period is 2 months. I've been applying to other jobs, and have heard back from some already who want to interview me. However, what I'm worried the most about is my references. I've had a lot of time off when my mental health started to slip last year, and then obviously 3 months off isn't great. Since coming back I've had physical health issues and had to take sick days for urgent hospital appointments and being ill. I don't know what employer would employ me when they see that...

The only options I can see in front of me are:

• Stay at my current job for longer, until my attendance improves
• Stay until I have another job offer in writing (with my long notice period that will probably end up being 3+ months, and that's if the job offer isn't withdrawn after my reference comes through)
• Put my notice in, and apply for as many jobs as possible in the next 2 months (I do have savings, but I'm conscious that poor attendance plus an employment gap won't look good at all)

I have posted about this before, and I apologise for posting again but I just find it helpful to get advice.

If your notice period is two months then why do you think you’ll have to stay for three or more ?
they can’t make you do that

i would hand in my two months notice and leave knowing you have another job offer . Knowing you are leaving will spur you on . No job is worth suffering for but also a gap without work may make you feel down too .

If you are at the very early stages of your career I wouldn’t leave without having something else lined up. Secondly, I think that the first few years can be stressful. Working is a big change from university. You need to learn how to manage the stress. Do you have a mentor?

I would also hang on until you have a better attendance record. At least another year. Break it down into chunks, book a week off every so often. Take advantage of public holidays to recharge. A year will fly by.

Just from experience it tends to take at least a month go from applying for a job to having a job offer.

I wasn't like this in my previous job though, which is what makes me think it's more than just getting used to working life. I've stuck it out for a year and a half and if anything it's getting worse.

I really don't think I can last another year there. I'm undergoing tests for a health issue, and it seems to be getting aggravated by stress so it's becoming a vicious cycle of stress at work -> flare-up -> need time off work -> stressed about attendance/needing time off.

Let's consider a different tack.

Why can't you speak to your Manager first about the issues you perceive with the job.

Is it possible the issues are not in fact as bad as you perceive, after all I imagine someone would've said something by now if that were the case.

It's not worth leaving unless you have something else lined up.

Can you pinpoint what it is about the role and workplace that make you so stressed and anxious? You mention deadlines for example, but most workplaces have these to a greater or lesser extent - do you need to learn some coping strategies, ask for help or delegate to improve this skill?

It is also worth speaking to your workplace to see if they can support you better.

If it were me, I'd try and get well before putting myself through the stress of learning a new job.

What have you done to try and solve the situaiton that you're in? Did anything help? What else could you try?

The thing is though, if you genuinely believe that this job is contributing to your health issues, it will. Absolutely no point staying somewhere once you're in this negative cycle, for you or the employer.

If you get another job offer, tell them you have a two month notice period (this is not particularly unusual) and once the offer is confirmed, hand in your notice to your current employer. I'm not sure why you think it would take 3 months.

References. Many will only provide start and end dates anyway, and will not include info about absences. If you are worried, could you give the name of someone as a referee who you get on with, perhaps a supervisor or manager that you've worked well with?

Lastly, what actions can you take to prevent yourself being in the same situation in your next job, though? Any questions you could ask at interview, or red flags to be mindful of? What would a "great day" at work look like and how could you make that more likely in your next role?

@Vitriolinsanity I have spoken to my manager before, as I was signed off sick due to my mental health so when coming back I had to have weekly meetings with occupational health, HR and my manager. I had things put in place to help me, like I had reduced hours and reduced responsibilities. They have now phased off, and I was doing ok but things feel like they're going down hill again. I think the biggest issue is I feel like it's just not the right work environment for me. When I work from home I feel lonely and down, when I'm in the office I feel anxious and uncomfortable. I just feel like I've been through these feelings before, and nothing has helped. I never felt like this in my previous job, which was also in my field but working in a much smaller team. I just feel like I'm more of a burden on my employer than I am an asset

@Southwig22 It's not the deadlines per se, but just the fast-paced environment. It's a field known for being stressful and fast-paced, with demanding clients giving last minute requests. I've worked a lot on managing this myself - having better boundaries, learning to say no, being strict with myself about not logging off late.

@B1rds I'm conscious of this too... I've even thought about just taking some time to get a less stressful job, something part time just to let my stress levels dissipate and whilst I'm undergoing tests for whatever is wrong with me

@brogueish I've had workplace adjustments made which have now phased off, I've had weekly meetings with an occupational health/workplace wellbeing person for several months and implemented a lot of their tactics and recommendations. I've had therapy appointments and I'm on anti-anxiety medication. The medication has helped the most.

To prevent it happening again, I would attend an in-person interview. I started this job during COVID so had remote interviews which makes it difficult to pick up on the company culture. I knew as soon as I walked into the office on my first day it didn't feel 'right' for me, and that feeling has stayed with me to this day.

Hang in there - it sounds like you know what you need to do. Focus on applying for new jobs and try not to over think it. In my mid twenties I stayed in a job I hated for 3 years. At first it was ok but the environment was highly competitive and stressful - it made me miserable, significantly impacted my mental health and depleted my confidence. It took almost having a complete breakdown for me to realise I needed to get out.

I applied for every position I was even vaguely qualified for and took the first one I was offered. It was not my dream job, or salary. But it was a smaller organisation with a genuinely supportive work place culture. I thrived there.

My advice to anyone who is in a similar position to the one I was in - is get out - the sooner the better. No job is ever worth making yourself ill over. If you are having self doubt please try and recognise that it’s a symptom of the pressure you are under - not a reflection of your capabilities.

If you were happy at your previous job I’d there any chance you can contact your old manager and ask if there’s any chance of going back? If you know it’s the company and not career then it can’t hurt to call your old boss up and just admit you made a mistake

Maybe you should stay part time if you coped better on less hours? Or see if you can return to previous job? Money isn't everything it isnt worth staying on good money if the job makes you this miserable
I wouldn't do notice without another job lined up though. I think don't be afraid to apply for jobs which are a bit of step back as it might be easier to manage

I'm sure it's illegal both to include sickness info in a reference and to withdraw a job on that basis. Check with acas as that might put your mind at rest.

It's difficult to feel like I've not just ruined my life, and that I'm stuck. I know I'm catastrophising but I feel very stuck, and also terrified of being fired for my attendance. For context, my GP thinks I might have a chronic illness which is currently untreated as I need to wait months for my hospital appointment even though it's marked as urgent. The symptoms seem linked to stress and put me on the brink of needing to go to A&E.

I might have a look about my work's policy on requesting to work part-time hours, as I think that could really help.

Have you considered another line of work? You are only young so maybe explore other industries. I am heading towards retirement, but regret staying in jobs which made me unhappy, for the money. Don't let your work make you ill, if you can afford a break and some counselling it would be money well spent. Best of luck. 💐

I second the idea of investigating both going back to your old place or using your skills to do something a bit different.

Explore your options: it sounds like a more supportive work environment where you "fit in" would really help you. It's a bit hard to tell about this before you start but talking to and meeting staff will help you decide.

You give no clue on your line of work but, for example, lots of jobs can be done in-house, as a consultancy or in the public sector. If you've tried one or two of these work environments maybe try the other one(s) and see how you get on.

Don't mention your sick record and don't worry about it too much. Hopefully the mental health issues were situational and will fade when you are happier and you're working on the other potential chronic issues.

I've been there for 1.5 years and still feel unsettled. I'm not really close with any of my colleagues so I feel really lonely and out of place there. I'm good at the job, but I don't really have good days there, just 'ok' days.

I'm struck by these statements.

Setting aside underlying health issues, you sound quite listless, but also yearning for something that is not necessarily realistic.

Do we need to be "close" to our colleagues? Some people are, some people aren't. Some workplaces just seem to foster this sort of closeness; others don't. And this isn't only an aspect of a particular kind of work. I've worked in an academic department where we went out socially & colleagues from there are still friends. I've also worked in a Department where we could never be bothered to co-ordinate something as simple as Christmas drinks.

But I'm not sure anyone should count on making their best friends at their workplace.

Can you articulate (to yourself, you don't need to do it here!) why you feel lonely & out of place? Those are quite general observations you've made about your workplace: what are the specific causes of these feelings in you?

You have 'OK' days. Maybe that's as good as it gets, in your job, and for you at this point in your life.

So -

What other things will give you good times? What do you really like doing? Where do you like being? Put these things in your life. Find an abiding interest outside of your job. If you didn't need to work, what would you really like to do? What bits of that can you insert into your everyday life?

At your age you could bin off the whole thing, retrain, and say you spent your first couple of years after uni temping/travelling. Do you have a sense of what you might like to do instead of your current work? What is the current job? What degree do you have?

Unfortunately my old job closed down due to restructuring, so it not longer exists to go back to and my old manager now lives abroad. It was in the public sector, there are other similar jobs which I am applying to as I think I felt a lot happier in that line of work.

@EasterIsland It is quite a cliquey and social workplace. Most people are in their 20s or early 30s, and there are lots of events we are expected to attend which work funds - happy hours, regular socials, quarterly parties. I find it all overwhelming. There's also work trips abroad with colleagues, so you end up spending a lot of time with them. I have built up my life and have a good work-life balance, but it doesn't make up for the work portion.