Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you deal with guilt of moving away?

34 replies

Wiennetta · 09/01/2023 12:19

Backstory is that DH and I moved away from the city we were living in (which was within a couple of hours of both sets of parents) a year ago. Basically moved from South England to Scotland, so not overseas, plenty of flights/transport options but still far enough that we’re not seeing family every few weeks.

Last year I ran myself ragged trying to visit DH’s family and my family and fit in the usual stuff we had (like travelling abroad to a wedding, going on holidays, a work trip etc). When you add it all up it feels like I was travelling every month.

In-laws are playing a real guilt trip at the mo that we haven’t visited for a while. We have now asked if they’re free on XYZ dates as we’d like to visit and instead of a positive response it’s all ‘That’s ages away, would you be able to visit sooner. We haven’t seen you for such a long time’. They’re retired and whilst it would be nice to see them more often, I don’t think they see the logistics of visiting - the time issue that we’re already very busy but we are paying approx £600 for flights to visit for a long weekend, plus £150 for dog boarding, I’ll have to take annual leave etc etc. For context they have two other children, one who lives in their town and they’re healthy and out and about a lot.

Last year DH went by himself but then he gets ‘Why didn’t Wife visit? We haven’t seen her for ages’. So I feel I have to go at some point.

I’m getting similar from my oldest friend who is always asking when I’m visiting home. Last time I visited I ran around London trying to catch up with three different friendship groups over a weekend.

So really generally seeking views on how to manage this/how others have dealt with this in the past? I’d love to get to the point of visiting once a year, maybe DH an additional visit by himself and them coming up once or more if they want to and leaving it at that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wiennetta · 09/01/2023 12:22

Oh and we did invite them up but they said it was too expensive (i.e the same price we’d have to pay to visit them….). They financially comfortable, so are we but trying to save to buy somewhere in the current climate isn’t easy.

OP posts:
ThreeLittleDots · 09/01/2023 12:22

They'll just have to accept that you moved away for a reason and that you can no longer prioritise them, unfortunately.

thunderstruckk · 09/01/2023 12:25

Wiennetta · 09/01/2023 12:22

Oh and we did invite them up but they said it was too expensive (i.e the same price we’d have to pay to visit them….). They financially comfortable, so are we but trying to save to buy somewhere in the current climate isn’t easy.

😂 that's so cheeky!!

I'd have replied "oh I know it's quite expensive, cost us an arm and a leg last year so thought you'd want to help by coming up this year"

Honestly OP, don't allow them to make you feel guilty. They're able bodied and financially able to visit, they just don't want the fuss. They'd rather you take annual leave, spend hundreds on flights and board a dog to see them. If they genuinely genuinely wanted to see you, they'd offer to come up or meet you in the middle. You've already done so much to visit home, you'll run yourself ragged and spend a fortune keeping that it. Make it back for the huge occasions like milestone birthdays and weddings, then offer up a weekend for them to come to you. If they don't accept that's on them - feel no guilt, if they wanted to they would.

Thepeopleversuswork · 09/01/2023 12:25

This is why I'm extremely glad that both my ex MIL and my crypto current MIL (not married but partner's mum) both live overseas. I couldn't be doing with having my social life dictated by elderly women who aren't blood relatives.

I presume this sort of stickybeaking and micromanagement is a large part of the reason you and your DH moved away OP. Stick to your guns. You've moved away and its not feasible to spend that much of your leisure time and money on visits. End of.

854HeadToeHeadToe831 · 09/01/2023 12:25

If they are retired, why can't they visit you more ?

Secondly, you can't do everything due to time, cost, distance, holiday allowance

Do you phone, text, skype too ?

You have to also balance family, friends & your own down time

Nevermind31 · 09/01/2023 12:28

If they moan… why don’t you come up? When are you going to visit? We haven’t seen you in a long time…
if the moan about cost… yes, that’s why we can’t come, too expensive for us…

but mainly… I don’t have guilt. I travel when I can and that’s lovely. But otherwise I let any whinging wash right over me.

GreenManalishi · 09/01/2023 12:28

In-laws are playing a real guilt trip at the mo that we haven’t visited for a while

Let them. Don't take it on. You've made a decision and presumably you're happy with it. They have to accept it. You visit them as often as you want to, if they want to see you more, they do the leg work.

Stick to your guns and they'll get the message. Don't feel guilty, don't let them know you feel guilty. Confidently back your decision to move, and enjoy it, life is very short!

BeyondMyWits · 09/01/2023 12:32

When my dad moved away we saw him once a year, that was what we could afford. And as he moved, not us, we felt it was up to him to help keep the relationship going by visiting more if he wanted to. He didn't... we got the message.

If you don't visit, when you can afford to and it was you that moved, you are sending a clear message that they are low on your list of relationships-to-keep-going... Which is fine. You do not have to prioritise them. But you can't blame them for being upset by that.

2bazookas · 09/01/2023 12:43

What "guilt"???????

We did the same; no guilt no regret. Our parents were independent adults living their own best lives. Just like us.

midgetastic · 09/01/2023 12:46

But they do visit!

Yes the op has a priority of her health , her job over visiting people who don't care enough to ever visit her

I was never made to feel guilty - my parents understood I moved for work , they understood I couldn't visit frequently and they booked trains down once a year to visit me - that's normal

Eastereggsboxedupready · 09/01/2023 12:46

Road goes both ways. Their turn to travel to you. Don't back down..

RandomMess · 09/01/2023 12:47

Just grey rock "you are welcome to come up and visit anytime", if the says it's too expensive "yes it is a lot, we will only be able to afford it once or twice a year from now on".

Sandinmyknickers · 09/01/2023 13:04

My mil is a bit similar (even though I've never moved away, it was her son who moved and then met me in London and stayed!)

I've always struggled with boundary setting but have gotten better at it when I think of boundaries as not always being 'no'. Setting a boundary can be offering a compromise but not being willing to go further. Therefore it is less of a constant request from them and a no from you, it is an active choice that both parties make. Such as offering to alternate between you travelling or them, offering to meet in the middle which you all pay for etc...it makes you feel less "guilty" because its not just you making the decision its them.

Sandinmyknickers · 09/01/2023 13:07

I would also not wait for them to ask and then counter with the compromise. Ask them when they're coming to visit...

NightOwlNotEarlyBird · 09/01/2023 13:10

I think there's an adjustment period. Going from seeing someone regularly to once/few times a year will be difficult at first but they'll get used to it after a couple of years. I've lived in different countries for about 10 years and while my family do ask when I'm visiting, they've accepted that it will be when I can/want. Of course, they're always free to visit me wherever I am and sometimes they do.

Re friends, if you plan to be away indefinitely, reality is you will drift apart from some. The ones you have a solid friendship with will understand 😊

cushioncovers · 09/01/2023 13:11

Op you need to throw the ball back in their court and ask them why they haven't been to visit. Stop pandering to their whinging. They had plenty of time to get used to the idea that you've moved up to Scotland.

devildeepbluesea · 09/01/2023 13:12

im not in your situation but this wouldn’t make me feel guilty.

If they want to see you so much they know where you live and they have much more free time.

AmazonsFuckedUpFreeMusicFeature · 09/01/2023 13:14

I live abroad and this is the reason why I visit my native country max 2x a year.
DH goes to his by himself (different country) because tickets are pricey.

We do love our families, but that's just how it is. We do lots of video calls so it genuinely does not feel as bad as it sounds

AmazonsFuckedUpFreeMusicFeature · 09/01/2023 13:15

Bah. Too early.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. Set a maximum trip boundaries per year and stick with it.

DashboardConfessional · 09/01/2023 13:17

They'll adjust, and any guilt (you shouldn't feel guilty!) will fade. I moved away at 23 and am now 38. Mum and dad are retired so visit maybe 3/4 times to our once a year but they appreciate we both have work and DS has preschool. You have to steel yourself against it and don't run ragged emotionally or financially visiting somewhere that you moved from for a reason.

user1471592953 · 09/01/2023 13:20

Book a weekend back in your old area when it suits you to be there, a long way in advance. Give lots of notice to old friends that you’ll be down that weekend and say that you’ll ‘be in such and such a place between midday and 6pm and anyone who can should pop by as it would be great to see you’. No rushing from place to place because people come to see you instead.

My friend did this for years when visiting from abroad. It was a great way for him not to have to stress meeting everyone separately and for me to see him, also meeting other friends of his.

JudgeRudy · 09/01/2023 13:27

YANBU to move away. Your family are being unreasonable if they are not prepared to do what they are expecting you to! I'd have picked them up on this when they complained about dates. Are they under the impression that you're more affluent than they think. Some people with paid off mortgages are oblivious to housing costs.
If they'd like to see you every couple of months, ask them to choose the 3 dates they'd like to host and the 3 dates you will host

Original poster
Wiennetta · 09/01/2023 13:28

BeyondMyWits · 09/01/2023 12:32

When my dad moved away we saw him once a year, that was what we could afford. And as he moved, not us, we felt it was up to him to help keep the relationship going by visiting more if he wanted to. He didn't... we got the message.

If you don't visit, when you can afford to and it was you that moved, you are sending a clear message that they are low on your list of relationships-to-keep-going... Which is fine. You do not have to prioritise them. But you can't blame them for being upset by that.

It’s not really that they’re low on the list. It’s just that the list is long. We have lots of things we need to balance:

  • Finances - it’s expensive to travel at the moment and we want to buy a home
  • Visiting them
  • Visiting my parents
  • Visiting other friends and family that aren’t in those two bases (ie aren’t near my or DH’s parents)
  • Attending work trips
  • Having time to ourselves to relax/spend time at home/do things we want to do - including holidays that aren’t in our home cities.
  • Building a new life in Scotland including socialising here

Etc etc. Its not that we don’t want to see them, or have a good relationship with them, but it is that there are other things we need to/want to do too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wiennetta · 09/01/2023 13:28

user1471592953 · 09/01/2023 13:20

Book a weekend back in your old area when it suits you to be there, a long way in advance. Give lots of notice to old friends that you’ll be down that weekend and say that you’ll ‘be in such and such a place between midday and 6pm and anyone who can should pop by as it would be great to see you’. No rushing from place to place because people come to see you instead.

My friend did this for years when visiting from abroad. It was a great way for him not to have to stress meeting everyone separately and for me to see him, also meeting other friends of his.

I like this idea and will definitely do this next time!

OP posts:
Original poster
Wiennetta · 09/01/2023 13:31

Lots of really helpful comments, thanks everyone.

I’m definitely taking away the need to be more clear and assertive about this. I think it would be worth having an honest conversation with them about the various things we have going on and be more proactive and assertive about saying what we can and can’t do and make it clear if they want to see us more than we are able to visit, they will need to visit us.

OP posts: