I’ve killed the wedding group chat (AIBU)

[TheLastTimeISawRichard]

NC as a few details may be outing but been around a long time.

Apologies if this is a long one!

My sister is getting married this year to a lovely guy, she has waited a long time to find the one and absolutely deserves all the happiness, we are delighted for her.

I am a bridesmaid as are other family members and my 3 DD’s, it’s all very exiting and my girls have talked about nothing else.

We are however unique in the wedding party in that we live over 500 miles from the rest of them and only member of now hen/bridesmaids chat groups that have any dependants/DC

So not to drip feed and because I think might be relevant to the post, I also have a DH in the Forces who is operational this year and Dogs and larger animals that need taken care of twice daily.

A hen weekend group chat has been set up by sis’s good friend and MoH, let’s call her Sharon. Sharon is lovely and VERY keen, I think I counted 8 “supers” in the first message she sent me back on October, that being said obviously has my DS best interests as heart and wants her to have a lovely time.

Sharon had spoke to my DS and they had decided on a central UK city for the location, I think somewhere my sis would have picked anyway but it was very much sold as this would make it easier for you to get to as middle of country, Sharon has wanted to book and organise for the start of summer since October and I have felt the pressure since her original message back then.

Firstly we have no idea if my DH will be here in the summer, he is working with an ever changing program that we are used to working round and has been the story of us married life but it’s really hard to explain to non service young girls who all work in Mon-Fri 9-5 jobs that we probably won’t know if he’s going to be here and able to be around for our 3 DC and small petting zoo until a few weeks before.

Its also right at the start (like the weekend before) of my eldests GCSE bracket so can’t uproot her or expect someone else to responsible for making sure she is studying etc.

Secondly it’s just all so expensive. Sharon has priced and provisionally booked an AirB&B which covering DS’s share comes to £200, I will be at least £100 on transport and they are looking at booking boozy brunch’s, champagne rooftop bars and dance workshops. I’m definitely not not going to get change out of £600 and that’s if my DH is around I don’t have to look at Kennels for Dog, care for other animals etc and with the wedding shorty after and everything we need to pay out for that just too much!

There are 6 members in the group, obviously my DC are too young and I don’t think it was even considered that my DM and DS’s (soon to be) MIL & SIL’s would come so a very small group and I’m not sure if this is making me more or less guilty.

After sitting on it for a few days and mulling it over with DH & DP’s I sent a (nice) message to the last night saying that with DH’s job, costs, exams and various other moving parts it just wasn’t possible to commit to dates/book and it was going to be financially too much for us, I did however suggest than maybe I could get the train for the day, wasn’t sure if doable but was definitely something I’d look into (and I will)

Since then we have gone from a very quite an annoyingly busy chat to absolutely nothing, and I’m now scared that everyone thinks I’m a right dick…

Admittedly things have changed since I got married 17 years ago, DS (and I’m sure her friends) has been too 3 Hen’s in Marbella in the last 5 years and would think nothing to putting aside £1/2K to spend on each, I had a lovely night at mine but went out for an Italian with my nearest and dearest and then on to a cheap night club with a big inflatable Willy under my arm! My wedding was wonderful and beautiful but definitely not as polished as the cool Insta weddings of today with the trendy venue’s and expensive Dj’s and it’s really skewing my view of what I should have done and how my message last night was received.

It’s also worth mentioning that my sister isn’t on the Hen/Bridesmaid group chat, Sharon is chatting to her separately and then relaying back what she would like and suggestions to make this happen. It feels quite strange as she and I are quite close and talk/message at least 3 times a week and it’s made this quite an elephant in the room and we seem to clunk round it whenever we do chat…

However I’ve bit the bullet and asked if she is free for a call over lunch so I can talk to her about it which feels much more normal to me but I’m sure will will piss off the rest of the group further, unsure if I will add to the hen chat the outcome!

Im not really sure what I’m asking but would be nice to have some views on this.

Why be so condescending and snide? All this, and all the other bitchy comments coming from other people, all because she can’t go to a hen do?

The main reason for snippy comments is that OP started by getting everyone irritated with her snide attitude "it’s really hard to explain to non service young girls who all work in Mon-Fri 9-5 jobs", which would be rude if she even knew these women. She followed up by changing the narrative from plans in.October to everything was booked within 10 hours, as though she couldn't have predicted GCSEs falling in May to suggest April many months before. She isn't interested in actual workable options like getting the little ones to stay with friends for a night and 15 year old to walk the dog, but wants people to fall over themselves saying how desperately tough it must be for her to be invited to a weekend away. Newsflash, everyone has some sort of commitments and needs to juggle to get weekends away to work. Those who don't want to go away at all just need to wash up-front "I can't get away for weekends unfortunately, but hope you'll have s great time!", before they are factored into accommodation costs.

The main reason for snippy comments is that OP started by getting everyone irritated with her snide attitude "it’s really hard to explain to non service young girls who all work in Mon-Fri 9-5 jobs

I didn't think that was snippy, I thought it was true. Because they have regular jobs, they don't understand how difficult it is when you don't. A similar lack of understanding is betrayed by many posters on this thread.

She isn't interested in actual workable options like getting the little ones to stay with friends for a night and 15 year old to walk the dog

I am still gobsmacked that people would go 500 miles away and leave a 15 year old on her own. And the assumption that everyone else is falling over themselves to have your younger children for a weekend.

Whether or not the OP drives is irrelevant in this context.

Fucking hell, is this thread still going? OP, if you stop responding the thread will just die.

I wish people would actually read the post before they dive in. Your reasons are perfectly valid, the whole hen things sounds ludicrously elaborate but that's not the issue. You have too many commitments and you live too far away. That's fine.

Fwiw, and I know it was a different time, but my late DH and I nipped off to the Registry Office with a couple of friends to act as witnesses and told everyone what we'd done afterwards. No elaborate clothes, venues, exotic locations, hens, stags or anything. It was calm and stress-free, we had lunch at our favourite pub afterwards, and we were very happily married for forty years. He died three years ago, and I'm still heartbroken, but I wouldn't change a thing.

Not quite. These are her sister's friends. OP doesn't know them, and is highly unlikely to know any of their jobs. She assumes they went on the same other hen dos as her sister, but doesn't actually know anything. Yet she's decided they have no responsibilities, decided she knows what hours they work, decided they can't possibly understand the awfully big responsibility of owning a horse etc etc.

OP's attitude towards these women is snippy and it's unnecessary. Remember what their "error" is, they didn't effusively respond to OP dropping out 3 months into the planning process after the accommodation was already booked. You can surely see they've done nothing to deserve attitude from OP, they are just her sister's mates.

@MaverickSnoopy OP has said a few times. In October she was told that the MOH was looking at options for the hen do. No dates were discussed. A few different locations were mentioned. Everything then went quiet until a few days ago when the WhatsApp was set up. The MoH quickly booked a venue and dates. OP then said she may not be able to make those dates as she may not have childcare.

She then gave additional reasons to us in the thread as to why the dates and location may be difficult.

Here's what OP could have said in October.
"Ladies, time away from home is ridiculously tricky for me, so I'll try to fall in with plans for one day of the weekend, but don't count me in for accommodation unless there's a sofa going spare. March/April or late June onwards are easier for dates due to GCSE kid. I'll let you know nearer the time if I'm able to get there for any of your activities, no problem if I end up having to watch and take photos! Thanks so much for organising this for DS, it's really kind of you all and I'm looking forward to seeing you all however briefly at the hen do and then at the wedding."

@MRex but in October, the details did not exist. She was just asked if she was keen to join the hen. Which presumably she is. She could have opened with these lines recently, but the group WhatsApp and booking was only discussed and decided in the last week.

@MRex they're not 3 months into planning. They're about a week into planning actual details.

@EsmeSusanOgg

You’re wasting your breath they’re far happier with their version of events.

🤣

This thread is comedy gold.

OP: I can't afford to go because of a gazillion valid reasons.

Most people: You're a shit sister and don't make much effort (proceed to examine minor irrelevant details of OP's life)

@TheLastTimeISawRichard I have a perfect solution for you.
1- divorce your husband (you could use it as next AIBU- "Did I do right to divorce DH to go to sister's hen do?")- surely a reasonable person should know to only marry men with Mon-Fr 9-5 jobs that would allow planning going to family events months in advance.
2- send off your kids to adoption, you wont have to worry about childcare
3- sell all pets and use revenue to fund air b&b for the bride

All that to be able to... yes, again, go to a stupid hen do.
Hope you will find this helpful 😂

Something that I said earlier that seems to be lost among the many posts was that when my sister got engaged and was happy and excited to discuss her hen there were many plans and dates floated about…

A night out in her home town around the same time as the wedding, abroad, UK cities and my personal favourite booking a cottage somewhere and just ordering lots of food and drink and games.

I, along side the rest of the hen party, had no idea what the dates or plans chosen were until a couple days ago and after discussion with DS and her MoH.

@InsomniacVampire 🤣🤣

I cannot lie I’m mostly here for the batshit comments now.

"Sharon is lovely and VERY keen, I think I counted 8 “supers” in the first message she sent me back on October"

She wanted to book. You "put her on the back burner".

"Sharon has wanted to book and organise for the start of summer since October and I have felt the pressure since her original message back then"

So you did know she wanted to get this organised. You should've said no at that point.

"Sharon originally messaged me back in October to which I couldn’t even get into other than a “thanks I’ll give it some thought” as Christmas was just around the corner"

🙈🤣

"After sitting on it for a few days and mulling it over with DH & DP’s"

A few days? Strange. A few days OP or less than half a day? Cause you said...

"between Sharon telling us the plan and me saying it wasn’t possible for me was a little under 10 hours"

Ok then 🤔

"maybe I could get the train for the day, wasn’t sure if doable but was definitely something I’d look into"

Clear as fucking mud. What on earth are they supposed to be able to plan with this?!

"If I’m guilty of anything in this process it’s being non committal and I do get how frustrating that must be and maybe I should have said no from the get go"

Yes. You should. You've left Sharon hanging, put her on the back burner, dragged your parents into it so now they're slagging her off too and you STILL mess her around with your "might get the train in definitely for the day, maybe". Fucking hell 🤣

And despite you being a non-committal nightmare, I completely agree that any reason is a valid one to decline an invite. That's not what's pissed them off.

Wedding related arrangements and siblings really bring out the crazy. There was the thread a few months ago where OP was castigated for not finding a way to travel hundreds of miles at 24 hours notice including a long bit across rural Scotland. Unless she was prepared to spend £100s on multiple connecting flights and trains, with a leg injury, she just wasn't being reasonable.

Total insanity

Were you planning to take the horses, dog and children to the cottage? Or is it just once you weren't interested in the activities that your commitments suddenly became insurmountable?

Come again

the op couldn’t get into discussing the hen do In October because “Christmas was around the corner”?? I missed that nugget! 😂

Some of the replies on this are completely blinkered.

When did getting married turn into a shaming exercise for those who don’t have hundreds of pounds to spend or on tap child and animal sitters? We’ve just had huge energy price hikes and people can’t magic a spare £600+ odd pounds for 1 or 2 daubs entertainment.

Not being able to afford this doesn’t = not wanting to go or being awkward to ruin the b2b hen or wedding do?

Why can’t there be a tiered time and money plan?

OP I’m sure ‘Sharon’s’ lovely but she ain’t making the grade as a hen do organiser.

You did right to let her know you can’t really afford the money or time. If I was your sister, I’d be checking in with you about arrangements and finding ways to make things easier for you to attend. I’d also completely understand if you could only attend the wedding day.

daubs days

"Come again

the op couldn’t get into discussing the hen do In October because “Christmas was around the corner”?? I missed that nugget! 😂"

Correct 🤣🎄

I for one can’t bear how nasty mumsnet has become. We would never speak to a friend like this. OP was asking for advice.
We’re supposed to be supportive women!
Current vibe is like she’s currently under interrogation for the prosecution 😵‍💫

Sorry OP. I can’t believe you’re still here and haven’t hidden this thread. Enjoy the wedding and don’t worry about the hen.

Nailed it.

If she can't go, fair enough. But they way she's communicated about to the hens is annoying. I'd be pissed off if she was my sister.