I’ve killed the wedding group chat (AIBU)

[TheLastTimeISawRichard]

NC as a few details may be outing but been around a long time.

Apologies if this is a long one!

My sister is getting married this year to a lovely guy, she has waited a long time to find the one and absolutely deserves all the happiness, we are delighted for her.

I am a bridesmaid as are other family members and my 3 DD’s, it’s all very exiting and my girls have talked about nothing else.

We are however unique in the wedding party in that we live over 500 miles from the rest of them and only member of now hen/bridesmaids chat groups that have any dependants/DC

So not to drip feed and because I think might be relevant to the post, I also have a DH in the Forces who is operational this year and Dogs and larger animals that need taken care of twice daily.

A hen weekend group chat has been set up by sis’s good friend and MoH, let’s call her Sharon. Sharon is lovely and VERY keen, I think I counted 8 “supers” in the first message she sent me back on October, that being said obviously has my DS best interests as heart and wants her to have a lovely time.

Sharon had spoke to my DS and they had decided on a central UK city for the location, I think somewhere my sis would have picked anyway but it was very much sold as this would make it easier for you to get to as middle of country, Sharon has wanted to book and organise for the start of summer since October and I have felt the pressure since her original message back then.

Firstly we have no idea if my DH will be here in the summer, he is working with an ever changing program that we are used to working round and has been the story of us married life but it’s really hard to explain to non service young girls who all work in Mon-Fri 9-5 jobs that we probably won’t know if he’s going to be here and able to be around for our 3 DC and small petting zoo until a few weeks before.

Its also right at the start (like the weekend before) of my eldests GCSE bracket so can’t uproot her or expect someone else to responsible for making sure she is studying etc.

Secondly it’s just all so expensive. Sharon has priced and provisionally booked an AirB&B which covering DS’s share comes to £200, I will be at least £100 on transport and they are looking at booking boozy brunch’s, champagne rooftop bars and dance workshops. I’m definitely not not going to get change out of £600 and that’s if my DH is around I don’t have to look at Kennels for Dog, care for other animals etc and with the wedding shorty after and everything we need to pay out for that just too much!

There are 6 members in the group, obviously my DC are too young and I don’t think it was even considered that my DM and DS’s (soon to be) MIL & SIL’s would come so a very small group and I’m not sure if this is making me more or less guilty.

After sitting on it for a few days and mulling it over with DH & DP’s I sent a (nice) message to the last night saying that with DH’s job, costs, exams and various other moving parts it just wasn’t possible to commit to dates/book and it was going to be financially too much for us, I did however suggest than maybe I could get the train for the day, wasn’t sure if doable but was definitely something I’d look into (and I will)

Since then we have gone from a very quite an annoyingly busy chat to absolutely nothing, and I’m now scared that everyone thinks I’m a right dick…

Admittedly things have changed since I got married 17 years ago, DS (and I’m sure her friends) has been too 3 Hen’s in Marbella in the last 5 years and would think nothing to putting aside £1/2K to spend on each, I had a lovely night at mine but went out for an Italian with my nearest and dearest and then on to a cheap night club with a big inflatable Willy under my arm! My wedding was wonderful and beautiful but definitely not as polished as the cool Insta weddings of today with the trendy venue’s and expensive Dj’s and it’s really skewing my view of what I should have done and how my message last night was received.

It’s also worth mentioning that my sister isn’t on the Hen/Bridesmaid group chat, Sharon is chatting to her separately and then relaying back what she would like and suggestions to make this happen. It feels quite strange as she and I are quite close and talk/message at least 3 times a week and it’s made this quite an elephant in the room and we seem to clunk round it whenever we do chat…

However I’ve bit the bullet and asked if she is free for a call over lunch so I can talk to her about it which feels much more normal to me but I’m sure will will piss off the rest of the group further, unsure if I will add to the hen chat the outcome!

Im not really sure what I’m asking but would be nice to have some views on this.

It is possible to like a plan and think the bride would like it but not be able to go.

WOW

Yeah 2 messages vs a lot more than 2 messages is exactly the same thing of course 😂😂

mumsnetters will be absolutely loving the OP and her ‘tell it like it is me’ Mum, because they’re all antisocial and think anything where ANYONE has to put the effort in for anyone else is some sort of torturous obligation they are way above even contemplating

then on their birthday they’re posting that they’re sobbing in their car because no one made an effort for them and their DH and kids that they apparently can’t ever leave the house because of didn’t even realise or give a shit 🤣🤣

@Orangepolentacake so you live hundreds of miles from family, with no close friends you can trust, and a husband who works away for weeks on end at short notice, would you really think ‘I know let’s get several horses dogs and other pets to add to the list of shit I have to do alone’ ?? I mean I wouldn’t but it’s a great excuse to never go anywhere, ever.

Why am I quoting very positive

Er… because you said it OP 😂

I was very positive and polite on accommodation and plans and said it all looked and sounded lovely

Oh hi @5moments welcome to the 17% 👋🏻

Brilliant 😁 good luck with that relationship with your sister.

It takes the whole thing out of context but I’m guessing that’s your plan of maybe you’re just unsure how to use inverted comma’s?!

i copied and pasted “very positive” from your post! 😂

YANBU. But maybe you and your mum and any other female relatives should do a family hen do for your sister, one that won't need such long notice - afternoon tea or dinner out somewhere local to your sister.

So so true

the amount of threads saying “I don’t have any friends”

and I think… is it any wonder? Every other post asking “AIBU to cancel at last minute”. “AIBU to not want my BF to pop around unannounced?” And so on. And on. Any on

"Yes you’re quite right, that 10 hours of waiting for a weekend 6 months off must have seemed like a lifetime to them."

Oh give over. You said they wanted to book it before the end of 2022 and asked you in October saying they'd choose the venue based on what was easiest for you. You said that.

You also told us how cringeworthy and excitable they are so it's likely they've been planning all sorts. Now they find out they didn't need to restrict themselves to London after all. Even now you're saying to them you'll "definitely maybe look into coming for maybe a day, definitely"

OP you're a nightmare.

@Gigglechop

To act positively (which is what I said but I think you know that)

ie “Well done Sharon, great find, I’ll give some thought.

And to say “I’m feeling very positive about those plans” which is what you’re trying to insinuate I said and agree would suggest I’d be leaning towards going are two completely different things.

Surely you can see that?

When was the last time you did the 1000 mile round journey to see your family Op? Or vice versa to you?

No I said Sharon was keen to book it at the end of 22, the chat group was started and hen group introduced 48 hours ago, I’ve now said this several times.

I don’t know Sharon very well so can’t be sure but I’m presuming she also messaged the rest of the hen party individually before Christmas and since didn’t get another response to a few days ago would think the rest of the group thought they same, to leave until the NY.

No I am not insinuating you agreed

you said you were never “very positive”

so the sister of the bride is I was very positive and polite on accommodation and plans and said it all looked and sounded lovely.

you then said you could potentially come.

a number of us are saying that in this content “potentially” would indicate more likely than not.

whereas someone NOT “very positive” and effusive and NOT the…. Sister of the bride… “potentially” means less likely!

I was very positive and polite on accommodation and plans and said it all looked and sounded lovely

So did you say “very positive” things or did you “act positively”… not clear as you’ve said you did both!

And to say “I’m feeling very positive about those plans” which is what you’re trying to insinuate I said

versus

I was very positive and polite on accommodation and plans and said it all looked and sounded lovely

Your her sister….. if close, didn’t you want to get things rolling on planning?

I’d have dropped Sharon when no contact to see if any thoughts and whether I might be able to do some research or planning

I do t blame you for NC OP!

I would say they are both much of the same thing.

I acted positively towards Sharon’s efforts finding good accommodations, and having the hindsight to book provisionally, I reassured her that I thought DS would love.

I would therefore say I used positive language.

As a 2nd point I said it would potentially work for us and I would get back to her which I did less than a day later.

How can you act over the phone?

you “say” surely

I would therefore say I used positive language.

actually you said very

Op your last few posts are coming off a bit odd

you scorned a PP for not knowing about how to use quotation marks but she was directly quoting you.

And now you’re getting yourself in a twist and clearly backtracking from being “very positive” about the “lovely plans” to some kind of muted “I acted positively”

odd

DS was very clear at the engagement stage that Sharon was MoH and would do all the planning for the hen.

They have known each other a long time, live fairly close to each other and have support each other lots over the year.

Im delighted DS asked Sharon, she was the right person for the job.

We do have other siblings who are also involved so it wasn’t at all like it was just me and her and she picked someone else, we were all more than happy with her choice.