To think this was weird behaviour (OLD)

[Sparklfairy]

This is a bit of a non-issue as nothing else will happen, but AIBU to think this is strange behaviour?

I chatted to a guy briefly on an app (one evening). It was basically just banter and quite good fun, but he's not relationship material for me and honestly the mental gymnastics with the constant 'bantz' would do my head in person.

The next day, I had to work late and didn't look at the app.

The following day I had 3 or 4 messages from him, things like 'Ghosted me? How rude!' with a laughing emoji and then finally something like, 'ok, wish you all the best'.

I didn't reply, didn't see any point and this isn't the strange bit.

I don't post on FB, but keep an eye on local groups. That's literally all I use it for. I went on and there's a friend request from him.

My first name is really common (there was always about three of us in a class at school), and he didn't know my surname. My profile pic is on the app though so possibly reverse image searched me (weird in itself IMO).

I'm not spooked or worried or anything. I just don't get the logic. If someone has 'ghosted' you (in his mind), why would you then track them down on FB. What exactly does he expect - me to talk to him there when I didn't on the app?

Now I find he's unmatched me on the app but left the friend request.

Fucking weirdos on OLD

Possibly friend requested you when you were chatting ?

No, it was a couple of days after his 'all the best message'.

I don’t know, this is really deranged /non-sensical to me. Maybe he thought that as you weren’t interested, he’d stand a better chance by trying to become your friend. Bit desperate/creepy….

Reminds me of when I’ve rejected a guy I actually dated from OLD: first, he got angry; then when that had no effect on me, he guilt tripped me with passive aggressive comments and accusations..”I guess you never did really like me!” etc; when that didn’t work he opted for “I’m here for you just as a friend”…

So if what you describe happened to me, this is what I’d be thinking of. It’s red flag stuff to me so my advice is don’t have any further contact with this guy!

Definitely weird. I'd just ignore the friend request and block him on FB.

He's done you a favour to wave his red flags about before you potentially meet.

Next! Onwards and upwards.

When I was OLD, I was chatting to some guy, he wanted to meet. I agreed, and suggested a bar in the city centre that was slap bang in the middle of the areas we both lived, literally no more than a 10 min drive for both of us. On a Tuesday night (the only night I had free) at 6pm.

He was agreeable to date and time, but kept going on about going somewhere quieter. I pointed out that at 6pm on a Tuesday, it would be quiet at the bar.

I then mentioned that I had a job interview first thing next day, so would need to be away by 9pm at the latest. To which he started throwing his toys out of the pram and suggested that we "rearrange when I can for him better into my busy diary".😏

I told him that 3 hours is more than acceptable duration for a first date and then promptly blocked him. He obviously had issues that I wasn't prepared to be a part of. There were a couple of things in our chat that hadn't sat right anyway, so I trusted my gut after his outburst.

I also got a message from another guy, his (one) picture looked fake and he wasn't my type. So I ignored it. Two hours later, I received a barrage of abise calling me a slag for not replying and saying no wonder I was single. 🤣

I met my wonderful DP on OLD a couple of weeks later. That was 8 years ago.

I’ve had this several times wit he OLD. I also have a pretty standard first name but I live in a small area so fairly easy to identify despite my account being private and only showing my profile picture to people who aren’t friends. Whenever this happens if we’re still chatting and haven’t yet met I immediately stop contact and block. There’s no way I’m continuing wasting time on someone who has no concept of boundaries.

*when I can FIT him in better in my busy diary (that should say)

@DontStopMeNow7 I'm so sorry you went through that. I agree I won't be contacting him. My young and naive self 10 years ago might have thought 'what's the harm' but it becomes more and more difficult to extricate yourself from these boundary-lacking-types if you don't get out early.

@IchWill your post made me laugh. they have no idea do they! I've had similar. I also live in a very convenient city centre location and it's ridiculously common how many first dates drive to the location, deliberately have too much to drink and just assume I'll let them stay at my place! Errr no, and you're not driving home either, taxi for you loser!

It's not great but it's also not that bad, either. He misunderstood and overreacted a bit, not the worst thing I've heard by a long way.

I've noticed the younger someone is, the more they expect you to reply instantly. Was he younger than you?

@Sparklfairy Yeah, I did wonder if he was angling for the date to be at one of our homes. Erm... NOPE!

for sure. the 'somewhere quieter' and having a tantrum about it all being over by 9pm are dead giveaways

Definitely weird but not uncommon. Also had a fleeting encounter with a guy many years ago and turned out we went to the same uni. I had no interest in a relationship but the shared connection meant we chatted a bit on Whatsapp. Then it got a bit intense (he was clearly interested in more) and I ignored him. Followed by a slew of similar messages to the ones you got and he also managed to track me down on several other platforms and sent copious message through those as well. I just blocked him on all apps and never heard from him again, thank god.

I think most of us have had similar if we've ever dabbled in OLD @PastelFlowerJelly. Years ago I went on one date with a guy but wasn't interested in more. He followed me around dating sites/apps for literally YEARS afterwards. Every time I joined one, I'd get a message from him. Some were really unhinged/desperate sounding (lots of !!! and PLEASE). It was awful. I still get the odd FB message but don't find it for months goes into my 'other' folder, by which time he's blocked me 😂

So in the scheme of things, this guy is tame. But I still don't understand the mentality. Gluttons for rejection maybe.

The friend request thing isn't as weird as you are thinking
Facebook uses lots of things like mutual friends, location, check ins etc to suggest friends to others. If you are local to each other or visited the same places (doesn't have to be at same time) then Facebook will bring your profile up first when he searches the name. AI can even bring up interactions with people on other forms of social media to suggest as Facebook friends.

I don't think it was that bad for him to have searched if you's were enjoying a conversation together and then you suddenly stopped replying.

Omg reading the PPs have reminded me of similar experiences.

Went back onto OLD about 4 years ago and a first date I had was pretty weird and dull; I wasn’t interested I suppose but I wasn’t taking dating seriously. Long story short he was enraged when I told him I couldn’t text all the time because of work and then livid when I said there would be no second date.

So now when I do OLD I deliberately drop in a mild boundary/mild no somewhere along the way deliberately just to test the waters early on. Before arrangements to meet are in place.

Ive had guys go full on psycho with me just for not replying immediately, getting themselves kicked off the site in the process.

It’s insane behaviour and more insane to me just how common this is? In any case, I’ve known people to live happily ever after from OLD. So hopefully I’m getting better at sensing red flags earlier and earlier for a better experience. There’s a whole spectrum of weirdness though which at times is laughable!

Oh good point. I'd forgotten about how the algorithm works. Still, if you searched 'Sarah' (not my name but similar in terms of ordinary) in a town of 50k people quite a few would come up.

But even searching for a bloke who 'ghosted' me on an app would never cross my mind tbh!

Just delete the request, and block him if you feel like it.

A weird move on his part, but fairly harmless I reckon.

If he seemed quite nice (just not your type) and the chat you had was enjoyable, maybe he liked your sense of humour and thought you had stuff in common and genuinely thought it would just be nice to be friends with you (in a vague, Facebook friends kind of way). Quite a few people like to be friends on SM with everyone they know even vaguely (and I suppose that is what it's there for in a way).

As you will (hopefully) have nothing to do with him again, may as well take the most charitable view of his actions, and see this as a compliment to your sparkling personality!

In fact, a friend of mine told me just the other day that he is now good friends with someone he met on a dating app, even tho nothing romantic or sexual ever happened between them because he didn't fancy her (and quite possibly she didn't fancy him, tho he didn't tell me that bit!) . So at an outside chance this is what he was hoping for?

I wonder if he was having a little Facebook stalk because you happen to be a friend of a friend and added you by accident?

To me, this smacks of a potentially dangerous man who is angry because you rejected him. Maybe I'm old and cynical but can't believe how many people think this is harmless behaviour.

When did he send the friends request? If it's the evening of or morning following your chat that's not so bad. If it's after 3 x where are you messages that's desperate.
In fairness he probably thought you clicked and were having some well good bantz. He wasn't to know you were bored and just using him for your amusement. Still THREE messages is a bit much

Bit weirded out by the folks defending this weird ass boundary crossing shit.

honestly op it’s not just men, women do this shit too and worse . I have a divorced middle aged male friend on line dating and some of the behaviour is just appalling, for being furious if he doesn’t want to go further after a brief first date , to keeping asking, phoning and texting and not accepting no, till he blocks, to literally offering all kinds of sex to try to get him interested

I think it’s desperation. They desperately want to be in a relationship and if they get a sniff of interest from someone decent they go all in.

We chatted on Wednesday evening, on Thursday he sent one message, Friday he sent the rest, including the final 'all the best' message. Yesterday he sent the friend request, after a two day gap.

It's the gap which is the odd bit I think. Like after one afternoon and it going nowhere/getting ghosted, he's still thinking about it to go on a different platform, look me up and add me two days later.

Also completely forgot to mention he randomly sent his phone number to me as well, which I haven't used or saved, and didn't send mine back. He sent it after I stopped replying.

Funny you say that @Frankensteinisamonster , because I kind of got Glenn Close/Fatal Attraction vibes from it

Yes, I'm putting him in the creepy zone now. Ignore...block if it continues