Postnatal and partner always wants us to go out.

Ottersmith · 2023-01-08T05:48:04+00:00

Since our DS was born I got about 4 days reprieve before my DP expected is to go out every day to do lots of various activities. Mainly it's going to Cafes and shops and he would go out two or three times a day if he could. We don't have a car so walk everywhere. My baby is now 9 weeks and he is in a bad mood because we didn't manage to go out today. The baby was unsettled this morning and now it is 31degrees outside so I put my foot down and said schlepping a baby to the supermarket isn't going to be any fun and he can just go without us. He blames me for it all. I told him he can go out anywhere but the baby and me are fine here. I'm not adverse to going out sometimes but I'm enjoying my baby and taking his cues and breastfeeding a crying baby in the street doesn't seem fun to me at all.

Redebs · 08/01/2023 05:58

Your husband is being ridiculous. You have to put your time and energy into your child now that you are parents.
It's not healthy to push yourself to go out if it's a risk to baby; in that heat there's a serious risk of dehydration as you might be reluctant to breastfeed as frequently as baby needs.
Your body is still recovering from the birth too. You need both rest and exercise when it suits you, not sitting in cafes, exposing yourself and baby to illnesses and maybe smoke if it's still allowed in your country.
Does your husband work at home to help you and baby? Does he have a job to support you?

Original poster

Ottersmith · 08/01/2023 20:37

He's just gone back three days a week. He's a very devoted Father but he is very high energy and doesn't understand that not everyone wants or needs to got out every day, especially babies. He needs to calm the fuck down.

OP posts:

youshouldnthaveasked · 08/01/2023 20:40

Oh god he sounds hyperactive, does he have any hobbies you can encourage to get him out of your hair?

pelargoniums · 08/01/2023 20:41

YANBU at all! Some days little babies just want to spend all day on the boob - that’s only manageable at home on the sofa with TV and biscuits, not dragging baby and boobs around to the shops for no reason. He needs to go out without you and get over it.

roarfeckingroarr · 08/01/2023 21:33

Can't he go out alone?

I have to get out every day but that's my call; I don't make my partner or small child do it too.

Quitelikeit · 08/01/2023 21:37

Never heard of a man who loves to go to the shops!

think he needs to up his hours at work if he’s so bored

Zatroya · 08/01/2023 22:14

YABU. You can still enjoy your baby 'out' for a few hours, and perhaps it's your partners way of wanting/needing to bond, by being out with him.

I'm betting he'd be more than happy to go out with your son alone, but you're putting your foot down on that too 🙄

ChillinwiththeVillains · 08/01/2023 22:21

Definitely stick to your guns. My DH treated paternity leave like free holiday. I remember with my second child (first was in nursery to “give me a break”) slumped on the floor of an art gallery on south bank (wasn’t Tate Modern, had done that the day before) just wanting to sleep trying to bfeed my week old son.
Then of course after two weeks he skipped back to work. I really regret not listening to my own body and my child’s needs.
He was determined with both babies that I shouldn’t be lazy. So I never even watched TV. Don’t know why I listened to him but I blame hormones! Have promised myself that if my kids have kids I will try to stay nearby for a few weeks and offer to be on call if they need support. Or shopping or advice on what is sane to do after giving birth.
Will leave DH at home so he doesn’t try to get postnatal DD or DDiL to complete ninja warrior or something.

grumpycow1 · 08/01/2023 22:25

I don’t get why you and baby have to go out every time, you’re not stopping him! Yes it’s good to get out with a baby but maybe a couple of times a week rather than multiple times a day. Tell him to calm down! If he can’t respect your wishes then he can leave…

Hadtochangeforthisone · 08/01/2023 22:49

He needs to get a full time job !

Original poster

Ottersmith · 08/01/2023 23:41

ChillinwiththeVillains · 08/01/2023 22:21

Definitely stick to your guns. My DH treated paternity leave like free holiday. I remember with my second child (first was in nursery to “give me a break”) slumped on the floor of an art gallery on south bank (wasn’t Tate Modern, had done that the day before) just wanting to sleep trying to bfeed my week old son.
Then of course after two weeks he skipped back to work. I really regret not listening to my own body and my child’s needs.
He was determined with both babies that I shouldn’t be lazy. So I never even watched TV. Don’t know why I listened to him but I blame hormones! Have promised myself that if my kids have kids I will try to stay nearby for a few weeks and offer to be on call if they need support. Or shopping or advice on what is sane to do after giving birth.
Will leave DH at home so he doesn’t try to get postnatal DD or DDiL to complete ninja warrior or something.

This resonates so much. Thankfully my partner wasn't that bad but he would have happily done all those things if I'd have agreed. Babies couldn't give a fuck if they are in an art gallery or looking at a book in a nice cosy living room.

OP posts:

ChillinwiththeVillains · 09/01/2023 13:17

Yes! Well done for recognising and prioritising yours and baby’s needs. It’s difficult when you have just had a baby. Enjoy the cuddles (and the rest)

Crunchymum · 09/01/2023 13:23

He was determined with both babies that I shouldn’t be lazy

And you are still married to him?

What an ignorant, unsympathetic twit.

Shrewsdoodle · 09/01/2023 13:24

This sounds really frustrating. I do sympathise with your DH, I'm similar and on maternity leave I was out every day as soon as physically possible (my DS likes to get out/ people watch too so we were just constantly on the move). Ultimately though, if the weather's not suitable for a young baby, you don't want to go out, or your baby's happier at home, he needs to deal with it. If he has to go out there's no reason to drag you along. He needs to support you and your baby in whatever way works for you, not how he thinks you should do things.

GetOutOfMyVadge · 09/01/2023 13:53

Tell him to Google the fourth trimester and to start thinking about your wellbeing

Squamata · 09/01/2023 14:04

Does he know what pregnancy and birth and having a newborn (especially if you're bf) does to your body? It takes time to recover. It's fine to want to stay in, whether because you don't have the energy to go out or because your tiny baby is more interesting than that Hockney retrospective or whatever.

If he's high energy, can he spend his energy on housework and baby stuff so you can rest?

ChillinwiththeVillains · 09/01/2023 15:46

Crunchymum · 09/01/2023 13:23

He was determined with both babies that I shouldn’t be lazy

And you are still married to him?

What an ignorant, unsympathetic twit.

In counselling at the moment - possibly not entirely unrelated. I am much much better at asserting my needs now. Which does also cause conflict but is healthier I think.