To expect to get my life back on track one day?

[DonutsAreNotLunch]

Aibu to think that one day I might be happy and healthy again or in other peoples experience once life goes to shit does it tend to just stay there?

For context a few years ago I was reasonably happy, I was in a tolerable relationship, a sahm to 2 young kids. I was super fit and healthy, ran ultramarathons etc and ate really healthily, to be honest I was a bit of a smug twat about how healthy and fit I was and I was sure I would live like that forever. I was definitely an ebf blw attachment parenting smug twat with my dc.

In the last 5 years I got pregnant with dc 3 unexpectedly, my partner became obsessed that I was cheating on him (I wasn’t and never had) and became more and more controlling until the point that I had to leave him and I’m now a single parent to 3 dc. I find having 3dc a million times harder than having 2 to the point that I can’t really cope with them anymore and their behaviour is awful so we don’t really do anything nice as a family.

My career was going okay since going back to work but recently I just couldn’t cope with the lack of childcare and the stress of trying to find people to look after my dc so I just chucked it all in and set up a small business from home that will never make much money but means I have more control of my work hours and can occasionally take dc to work with me if needed. I feel like a complete failure because of this though.

I’m 2 stone overweight, have constant health niggles. I don’t have time to exercise and my diet is shit, I literally eat junk from morning to night. I have severe depression (on ADs)and I can barely function because of it. I just spend all day waiting to go to bed so I can sleep and avoid the shit storm that is my life.

Can anyone say that they have been though a really bad phase in their lives and come out the other side feeling better or does this just stick forever?

I'm kind of in the middle of recovering from my life disaster, but I think things do get better. I think it's really tough when you've had the stuffing knocked out of you, getting back to where you were before is impossible, and it seems a huge effort to try anything at all, and feels kind of pointless.

I think part of it is grieving and accepting what was lost. And then realising that I can't undo what happened, but if I don't try my life will inevitably be shit, if I do try to make small changes, maybe things can improve.

My friend has come out the other side of depression and gave me a good pep talk today.

It's really hard though 💐

Go back to focusing on diet and fitness. It's marvellous what it can sometimes do for depression. Make that your one thing you do for yourself in 2023. For me, I've just been referred for an ADHD assessment after noticing my 'mask slipping' hugely over the last few years meaning I can't really cope with normal life anymore but I'm working towards regaining control and funnily enough something that really seems to be helping me is good diet and lots of exercise.

Fwiw I don't think you're a failure, you sound amazing, to be parenting 3 small children alone, and to have set up a business that can fit around that. Hopefully once they are older you'll have more options open to you from a work perspective.

Agree with this 👆 I'm sorry to hear that things have been so hard. It can feel like such a spiral but the biggest thing is perspective. You've got to keep reframing things positively. I'd also recommend prayer. When everything seems unsurmountable, I turn to Jesus. Wish you and the little ones the very best going forward x

There was a piece of advice I saw in the Guardian - yes I am one of those readers.
But it was One tree at a time - when things seem insurmountable. I'll give the link.
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/jan/03/my-oma-survived-unimaginable-tragedy-she-taught-me-when-the-forest-is-too-big-focus-on-the-trees
But when my mum was dementing and Dad had bowel cancer and I was going up and down the M4 like a crazy person. You can't do everything at once and you can't forsee all outcomes even though your head whirls. Don't even try.

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I definitely does feel like a spiral that’s impossible to get out of. I keep thinking things will get better but they invariably get worse. I’ve made some really big life changing decisions over the past few years thinking they will improve my life but they have really made things worse in a lot of ways so now I’m scared to do anything.
Thanks for the article @Sarahzb that is a helpful way of looking at things.

I found it helpful to read about "attributional styles of thinking" in depression. It made me realise that being knocked down so badly had changed the way I interpreted information, which then made smaller things seem insurmountable. It's not about forced positive thinking, but was about realising the conclusions I was drawing from things were really different than what my non-depressed self would have thought.

I'm sorry you feel this way OP, I'm sure you are doing a great job though and raising a lovely family.
If it is any help or consolation I find myself in a similar position, dashing from one disaster to the next- I won't bore you with the details.
Something that helps me greatly is writing down everything that is in my mind(notepad on my phone) then taking a few minutes when I have some peace(usually 12am!) to address the things I can change and the things I can't.
Its a wasteful worry if you can't do anything about it, so I remove it from my head and leave it on my notepad.
Other worries I try to figure ways to conquer them.

Example.

Recurrent tumor - wasteful worry BINNED.
Keeping the kitchen cleaner - set aside a 10 min speed clean/use alexa.

Take care X

@MMMarmite thanks I’m sure that is part of the problem. I will look into that.

I would love to hear from anyone else who has turned their life around after being at a low like this.

Thanks @FTMFML that’s really good advice!

How old are your kids? I've really struggled through my 30s (kids with special needs and giving up work). It's so much better now they're older.

Youngest is 10 and I've managed to start a new career which I love.

I didn't have the energy to focus on it when they were younger as it was exhausting!

@Citylab they are 4-11. Everything is exhausting just now, but the kids especially. My dd doesn’t have special need but she has a health condition that means she is often off school and has spent a fair bit of time in hospital over the last few years. It makes life a lot more difficult and really affects my ability to work, it was one of the main reasons for giving up my job as it just wasn’t fair on the company to keep having to reorganise work to account for my dd being off school.

That sounds tough. We have endless hospital visits as well for another condition. It's very wearing, especially if you're doing it on your own.

My special needs kid also had behaviour problems which made things really hard when they were younger.

Honestly, it does get better!

Is there any way you can get help to spend some alone time? Don't feel guilty if you want to have a coffee on your own, read a book, run a nice bath for yourself!! 😍

Feel free to pm me as I don't want to go into too much detail online!