Red flags

[Besswess88]

So been seeing this guy for a few months (3/4 nights a week).

Got out of 12 years DA 18 months ago. It’s the first relationship I have had since. He is fit and healthy and is 12 years younger than me.

My adult daughter has pointed out a few red flags. She has recently recovered from
the flu and has offered to help but I don’t want to ask too much of her.

The biggest one being that I am currently unwell with heavy cold rather than complete flu, although struggling to do anything for myself due to no energy.

He is absolutely paranoid about “getting sick” because worried a lot about getting unwell and I understand this although and said I would not leave him alone to fend for himself if it happened. He was supposed to come tonight but hasn’t due to not wanting to get what I have - fair enough.

But the emphasis has been on this rather than any concern about me. He’s knows I have not eaten as have no energy to do this for myself (although have been in this situation on my own with 3 kids which was worse).

Is he an absolute selfish prick or am IBU?

I can't say I understand what the red flag is meant to be tbh. He doesn't want to catch your cold, so is leaving you alone for a bit until you feel better? And he knows you have an adult daughter who could help you if you needed anything?

Is the red flag that he knows you haven't eaten but... what? hasn't offered to come over and feed you? I know when I'm unwell, I want to just be left alone to get on with resting until I feel better, maybe he's similar. I understand having no energy to manage to cook a meal, but surely you can open a tin of soup, or butter some toast?

It comes across like you’re testing him really. It’s quite weird to be so ill you cannot look after yourself but you can text someone and drop in how you haven’t eaten and can’t possibly sort any food for yourself (therefore hinting that they should sort that for you) but you can message him, share all the details with your daughter and now here.

I think with 3 kids and only a few months into a relationship seeing someone 3/4 nights a week is a red flag.

I wouldn't bother with him. I'll tell you why - if he doesn't show an ounce of concern for you when he's worrying about getting ill, then he's ultimately only out for himself. He is absolutely 100000% allowed to worry about being ill, clearly his health is important as it is for everyone. However, if he doesn't ask how you are, check on you throughout the day vis SMS etc, or even offer to drop things at your door if you need things from the shops etc, then dump him.

Your daughter is right - and well done for raising such an excellent child! 🥰

Your daughter has offered to help you. Use it.

She's knows herself if she's well enough to help and she is.

You've been seeing him a few months. He doesn't live with you, he's not your partner. You adult daughter has offered to help you and her younger siblings.
He's elected to give you space so he doesn't get infected. Is he self employed? Does he have anyone that could help him? Is he in a shared home? All these things are relevant.
I'm sure if you asked him if he could drop off a few goodies and some tissues from the shop he would.
Maybe his friends are saying 3 kids and she wants you to look after them? Red flag!

All my kids have left home 🤣🤣🤣

I detest colds and tend to get very ill with them. I would very much avoid getting ill if I could.

Have you asked for help and he won’t?

This alone doesn’t sound like a red flag to me - what else has your daughter noticed?

Eh? You've got a cold, of course he doesn't want to catch it unnecessarily.

What exactly do you need help with? Can you really not make yourself beans on toast or something?

You said red flags, plural.

What are the other ones?

His behaviour in this context is a little self-centered and uncaring. But it's not LTB territory.

So what other concerns are there?

I wouldn’t expect him to call over to look after you or get you food when you have only been ‘seeing this guy’ for a few months.

I am also paranoid about catching colds/flu/covid etc since dc have been ill so often over the last two years so I don’t blame him there either.

Agree. And quite frankly an adult woman should not be this dependent on a man. Ever. You've only known him a few months; why on earth expect him to ride to your rescue in any regard?

Dating is for fun and companionship, not to latch onto someone who will be available to bail one out of life's problems.

I wouldn't want to catch the virus either, in his shoes.

Has he not even dropped anything off for you?

Like what?

The OP hasn't said she needs anything dropping off?

Crikey, I had Covid and Flu last year and didn't get/or need any help. I also wouldn't have expected or wanted anyone else to help. Rather stew in my germs thanks. Really not sure what you expect him to do. He wants to stay away, fine.

You’re well enough to message your daughter and post on here. You have adult kids that could help if you were actually in need. So I’m sure you could get food if needed. He quite rightly doesn’t want to get ill. What’s the red flags apart from you thinking he’s displaying them? I’d be warning him, based on this thread.

You have a heavy cold and no children to look after. What help do you need? Surely all you need is some tea, toast, paracetamol, box of tissue and the remote.