Bullying

[SablesRoses]

Hi

I would really appreciate some advice; my son 14 was previously a victim of months of bullying, the school didn’t take matters serious until I threatened to make a complaint to OFSED and get the police involved (I did actually contact the police) it was only then that the main bully was permanently excluded.

My son has Aspergers, is very likeable, has a solid group of friends.

Despite previously being bullied, he still used to want to go to school every morning. I was told the majority of the time the bullies decided that they wanted to verbally and sometimes physically abuse him, 9/10 the popular students would stick up for him, and tell him what was being said by them was out of jealously, so it did used to give me some peace that other students at such a young age knew it was wrong and decided to protect my son.

Since then, he has had 4 therapy sessions, because comments made to him were enough to lower anyones self esteem he was continuously called

Ugly (that was the main bullies favourite)
An Ugly dog
Useless
Worthless

The list goes on

He was also told to kill himself, and that he was going to kill me, and my sons family.

After months of my son being happy at school, it has started again. We had a great Christmas, and he was looking so forward to going back to school.

He returned back to school on Wednesday, during first break, he was approached by two girls whom he thinks are in the below year, they said they think he is “nice” and asked for his social media accounts.

I allow him to have Snapchat and Instagram; but I have made him fully aware that he is only allowed to share with close friends.

Since starting secondary school he has attracted the attention of girls and regularly gets asked - do you have a girlfriend? do you have Instagram/SnapChat? my friend likes you

Due to him having Aspergers his understanding is a little different from the usual 14 year old boy, he doesn’t understand why people he doesn’t know are asking him those questions.

He told me that he didn’t want to offend so he simply told them he didn’t use social media.

The two girls then started to be very nasty to him (verbally) second break he was met by the same two girls but this time they brought a group of male friends, who asked him why he “had been rude” to the girls, and was punched in his head by one of them.

My son didn’t tell me about this until Friday, when he called me crying saying he is on his way home, this was after he was attacked again, this time by one of the girls and told that she is going to bring her big brother and watch on Monday.

As you can imagine my son is very upset and anxious and has said he doesn’t want to return to school again.

I notified the school of what had happened, and they’ve assured me that they will deal with everyone that’s involved and arranged for me to meet with head teacher on Monday.

They failed to keep my son safe during the months he was verbally and physically attacked, so is there really any point of me meeting with them?

AIBU?

Move schools. He shouldn’t have to put up with this.

Yes that’s what I intend to do, just worried that it will start again. It’s very hard when someone has taken an instant dislike to your child.

Also, does anyone here think a non-mainstream school would be more suitable for my child?

I would go to the meeting, but with the view that if it isn't properly sorted out (as in the culprits dealt with severely, there and then) then I would be looking for an alternative provision for him asap.

It does sound as if your DS has generally been happy at his school though, and that he has a good group of friends and other people who will stick up for him, so if the bullies are properly dealt with, it sounds like he might prefer to remain there - what does he want to do?

Hello,

Thank you so much for replying, I don’t have anyone in real life to speak to about this.

Yes he has been generally happy in school, he has been through so much whilst being at this school.

He has said he doesn’t want to return to school because he is scared and anxious that the bullying will continue. He has also asked me why bad things keep on happening to him when he is being the best person he can be, unfortunately I don’t have the answer for that ☹️

He has been very upset this weekend, very reserved and just wants to be alone.

That's truly heartbreaking that your son is wondering what he's done wrong OP. He sounds such a kind and caring soul. In my opinion schools spout about anti bullying policies but when it comes down to it, nothing is really effectively done.

@Ludo19

Thanks for your comment, yes he is kind and a loving soul he has already forgiven the bullies.

I just wish schools took bullying more seriously, I will go into the school on Monday to hear what they’ve got to say, but I don’t feel comfortable sending him back there.

@SablesRoses I am so sorry. I feel really upset reading this because we are going through similar.

There is definitely an increase in bullying, I’m sure of it. It some kind

So sorry reading this op my daughter 15 (asd), has been through similar and I took her out of mainstream schooling earlier this year. Her anxiety has improved significantly and she doesn't seem to be depressed anymore. Please consider taking him out, he needs you to make that hard decision for him. I feel for you both so so much. Xx

@Muddledbutwellmeaning I hope it gets sorted soon 🤗

@phleb I am going to keep him off school because I don’t believe they are capable of keeping him safe, the thing with my son is that he would never go and approach a teacher and tell them what’s happened, he’d rather suffer in silence, bless him.

I would be very anxious about sending him to another mainstream school, although he has Aspergers he doesn’t have an EHCP plan, he has no extra support at school because she simply doesn’t need it.

The only other route for me would be private education, but I’m not sure whether or not he would settle in.

I would meet with the school, I’d also involve the police given he was physically assaulted. If they’ve called him names based on his disability then it falls under the definition of hate crime. We need to stop referring to physical assault as bullying because it down plays what’s actually happening.

I’d be reminding the school of their increased duty of care given your child’s neurodiversity and ask for specifics in how they intend to deal with it. And my child wouldn’t be back at school until I was confident they are safe, and I’d be explaining to the governors/local authority why my child is at home ie due to the schools failure to keep them safe.

My DD was bullied in school (primary) and in the end the only thing that stopped it was the police having a word with the child and their parent explaining that while she was under age of criminal responsibility at the time, if she continued she would quickly end up in trouble.

The school have separated them in class etc and put a lot of support in place for my daughter and she’s been happy to return to school but she knows if there’s any incident, however small, I’ll do whatever it takes to have it stopped.

I’d also revisit the question of an ECHP, he may not need support academically but some emotional and social support may be needed to help him with the more complex relationships in high school.

Morning @SablesRoses I’ve pm’d you.

I was waylaid in the middle of posting last night, apologies.

@Muddledbutwellmeaning Morning, I appreciate your DM, so kind of you 💐 🍰

@Jellycatspyjamas Morning, you wouldn’t know that my son had Aspergers unless he told you, or you lived with us.

He was racially abused by his previous bullies, that’s what got the main bully permanently excluded.

Thanks for your advice, my son is still feeling down. We are going to take a trip to the Lego store in a few, Lego always seems to make things better for the pair of us.

Just an update.

Met with headteacher today, my son and I have decided that he will not be returning.

Head teacher didn’t even offer to help us find an alternative school, so my son is literally school less now!

@SablesRoses - we did this with our youngest DD when she came home with bruises down her spine where she had been beaten by a boy using his PE bag containing studded football boots, she was only 9. School were awful, said there's not much they can do - I suggested calling in the parents, suspension, exclusion etc. and they said "the parents of this child won't engage with the school, so there's not much they can do"... We took her out immediately, it was the Tuesday before Feb half term. I called various local schools to find out where had places the same day, and submitted an application to the council (the form was on the website) and she started at a lovely new school on the first Monday back after half term, so only missed 4 days of school.

You have clearly made the right decision, as you need to keep your son safe, if the school will not. I hope you manage to find somewhere else where he will be happy. Our youngest DD is nearly 14 now and is happily settled at senior school with lots of friends. The bully from her previous primary did turn up at the same senior school as her, but was permanently excluded before the end of the first term in Yr 7!

@SablesRoses

How awful! I’m so sorry for you DC.

You’re not being unreasonable BUT I’d still go to meet the Head on Monday & voice my concerns. Then drop them an email detailing everything you said and everything they promised to do.

If they don’t reply to challenge/counter anything you said in the email, that’s legal evidence. Let’s hope you don’t need it, but it may scare them into taking proper action to remedy the situation.

10/10 for someone who clearly didn't bother to read even just the OP's posts.
She has met with the head teacher on Monday (that would be the 9th and not the 16th).
Head Teacher has been less than useful and will not help the OP find an alternative school for her DS.

@SablesRoses - at this stage, you have nothing, absolutely nothing to lose by writing to the Head Teacher and what I would do is cc the board of management of the school detailing the meeting you had on Monday, the situation your DS finds himself in on a regular basis and the very clear lack of implementation of any anti-bullying policy along with any sort of student safety policy. They should have a social media usage policy too to do with on-line bullying and they seem to be disregarding that as well.
They have a duty of care for your son while he attends school and they have been severely lacking in that. That's shocking. Every child, every student should feel safe while attending school, and your son didn't.

Best of luck with whatever you do next.