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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want to look good when I see my horrible ex ?

19 replies

brellopol · 07/01/2023 12:13

I am a grown woman and this probably to most will sound pathetic but here we are ..
I'm 33 and my ex (who I haven't seen in 2 years ) was the most gaslighting man,put me through hell,cheated with so many women,made me feel so inadequate and for a while made me wish bad things about myself.

Now I'm on the other side I'm happy.
I've got a partner of 2 years and I'm okay.
When I see pics of my ex (Facebook mutual friends ) I honestly feel zilch apart from "how did I put up with that crap"

Anyway -I'm going to a gig in a few weeks of a band we both love.
We used to go to see them together.
I think he will be there -I know the chances of running into him are slim but I still want to look good.
You know the chick flick moment of nice outfit -walking with confidence and showing him he didn't break me.

Aibu?

OP posts:
SavoirFlair · 07/01/2023 12:16

When I see pics of my ex (Facebook mutual friends ) I honestly feel zilch

ok that’s fair

but I still want to look good….walking with confidence and showing him he didn't break me.

um, I think your last statement contradicts the first

brellopol · 07/01/2023 12:18

I meant I don't have feelings for him anymore
Which I don't
The last time we seen each other I had no self respect left

OP posts:
Valeria89 · 07/01/2023 12:20

That wouldn't occur to me if he was an ex I was gladly rid of.

ToDoListAddict · 07/01/2023 12:21

I totally understand but to be honest, just you being happy is the best revenge.

Put him out of your mind and enjoy the gig!

magnic · 07/01/2023 12:22

Confidence is the only thing to wear!! Wear what you feel good in you will exude Confidence. Don't change your style and risk that self conscious uncomfortable feeling. Dress to suit you, hold head high and smile because your life is amazing. Good luck 👍🏼

Thisismadness · 07/01/2023 12:22

i totally understand, I have felt the same in the past. You ANBU!

YoBeaches · 07/01/2023 12:23

You will look good so long as you feel good.

But 'making an effort to look good for him' demonstrates you still have issues to put behind you.

Would you find yourself looking out for him whilst your at the gig?

Sparklfairy · 07/01/2023 12:25

SavoirFlair · 07/01/2023 12:16

When I see pics of my ex (Facebook mutual friends ) I honestly feel zilch

ok that’s fair

but I still want to look good….walking with confidence and showing him he didn't break me.

um, I think your last statement contradicts the first

Not exactly. I have an ex who I genuinely never think of, no idea what he's up to now and I'm so glad to be rid of him.

I was in the supermarket grabbing a few things before going to bed, looking so scruffy as I was working nights. Tracksuit, no make up, hair pulled back.

I saw him up an aisle and I hid before he saw me. I don't regret it Grin

Snoopystick · 07/01/2023 12:28

It’s understandable, but just enjoy the gig. If he happens to see you your ‘revenge’ is that you’re enjoying life without him.

ToBeOrNotToBee · 07/01/2023 12:32

Go for it.

I'm in the same place.

I had years of his gaslighting bullshit, he tried his hardest to break me and very nearly did. Not only did he financially, emotionally and mentally abuse me, his lies made my family cover his cheating with a family friend for a whole year. Things with my family still aren't the same.

Around the time of breaking up, I became very unwell, and went from being very active to not being able to get off my sofa, gained 3 stone in weight, started losing my hair, suffered from terrible migraines a few days a week, and more.

When I saw him 6 months after the breakup at a concert of a band we both loved, I was a shell of the person I was. The clothes I had no longer fit, my blad patches were showing, obviously very overweight with a puffy face, and nothing like the person he was once in love with.

It was horrible and made me feel a hundred times worse, there I was dealing with a yet undiagnosed serious medical condition, felt so fat and ugly, still didn't understand the extent of his lies and abuse, and he was his usual fit, cocky, healthy self.

He made a few barbed remarks which really ruined the lovely evening I had been having at that point.

Since then, I've lost tonnes of weight, I feel amazing, I'm OLDing, met some lovely men, having incredible sex, my health is back and I'm in a better place than I ever was when I was with him.

I wish I could bump into him, show him that he didn't break me, that I'm doing better than ok and that I'm not so fat, frumpy lump.

So go for it. Buy a nice outfit, wear the lovely earrings and expensive perfume. Fuck him.

mondaytosunday · 07/01/2023 12:33

Totally understand! If I ran in to any of my exes, be they a short term or serious, I'd want to look fantastic. None of them were abusive or whatever - most we departed in mutual agreement. Even the ones I only dated a few times I'd want to look great. It's vanity I guess - we all like to be admired.

purplebutterfly121 · 07/01/2023 12:33

Do it. It's natural to want to look good in front of an ex even if you don't have feelings for them anymore. I can't stand my ex but I do exactly the same!

DifficultBloodyWoman · 07/01/2023 12:44

YANBU

Watch the music video for ‘Best days of your life’ sung by Kellie Pickler (Taylor Swift makes a guest appearance). I think it should be official break up music.

5128gap · 07/01/2023 12:54

I understand but I think you should fight it.
For starters, it's all in your head. Realistically how many times do you see an ex and think 'Oh my goodness, they look great and seem so happy! What a fool I was to lose that relationship!' In reality exes who've mistreated us don't give a damn about us, or what we look like.
Secondly while he's factoring into your thoughts, your outfit choices, you're still defining yourself through the lens of his opinion and therefore you're not free.
The only way to liberate yourself is to neutralise him. His opinion should matter no more to you than any other random. Push him out of your head and wear what you feel good in for your own pleasure.

SLS500 · 07/01/2023 13:14

Totally makes sense. You know how far you've come and how happy you are now and you want him to see that.

Perfectly normal.

FromTheFront2theBack · 07/01/2023 13:56

In an ideal world you'd be completely indifferent but I think most people would feel as you do. Clearly you still have a bit of resentment about the way he treated you and you want him to see that you're better off without him. The most emotionally healthy reaction would be not to engage with those thoughts but if this meeting is a one off I'd probably be tempted to just go looking absolutely great.

brellopol · 07/01/2023 14:52

I mean he might not even be there -i won't be spending my time looking for him or anything.
I would just get a satisfaction out of looking my best.

OP posts:
UnicornsHaveDadsToo · 07/01/2023 15:05

You just want to give him the middle finger, don't you? 😂

And yes, it'd be totally worth it!

brellopol · 07/01/2023 15:31

@UnicornsHaveDadsToo I honestly would love too😂
I know that's probably Petty
Or the thing where you walk past looking good and just look and look away

OP posts:
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