To cut off my in laws

[ainsley88]

I won't go into great detail but my in laws were repeatedly toxic and every time they were around (his brother too) there would be arguments. I'd been called a neglectful mother among other things. The last time they came resulted in me actually leaving my partner and we separated when our youngest was a new born.
I've said if we are to reconcile I want nothing to do with his family. He can of course see them, as can the children, and I'll go with him to visit but I will stay in the hotel etc and won't see them. I also no longer want them staying in my home. As far as I'm concerned the bridges are fully burnt and cremated.
AIBU?

Nope, I also have toxic in laws, just do it 👍

And you’re ok with your children seeing them despite you describing them as “toxic” 😐

Sounds like you have partner issues, which are much more important and concerning than in law issues

It's a boundary you feel is necessary. I personally would want to supervise my children around people I personally did not trust so I would choose to only meet at public spaces (coffee shops maybe parks) where I could easily leave. I hope it goes well.

I don't want to be the one who stops them having a relationship with them, I'd like them to decide when they're older. His parents don't live in the country so they only see them a few times a year anyway. His Dad has cancer and although I don't give a shit if I don't see him again, although it's not terminal as it stands, I don't want to be so spiteful to stop him seeing my children.
I do have a partner issue too which is why we split up but it seems that his family had been catalyst for arguments and they were very personal and nasty to me. They would stay in our home when they came over and I've said that will no longer be happening, and if we all go over to where they live we'll get a hotel and I'll stay round the pool on my own if they have days out.

I went NC with my in-laws after the second time he told an outright lie about me. DH and his siblings didn’t believe it anyway, but that’s not the point. I’ve not seen them since, nor had any communication whatsoever.

Hard to say if YABU without context so do as you please

I don't want to be the one who stops them having a relationship with them, I'd like them to decide when they're older.

but you’re their mother. So if you think that whole are abusive, toxic, nasty then your responsibility as their mother when they are children is protect them from people that fit in the above category. At least that’s how I see my role

I've said if we are to reconcile I want nothing to do with his family.

and? What did he think? Did he think unteasonable?

You were called a “neglectful mother”

And you’re happy for your children to be around people like that?

what the heck was your partner’s response??

I suspect your approach will make your inlaws very very happy.

why? They get their son and GC to stay with them and their DIL, who they clearly can’t stand either, stays in a hotel.

you are playing right in to their hands op

@Goodgrief82 we would all stay in a hotel and he would have days out with them, sorry if I worded that wrong. x

Still, they will be delighted

and your children will still be around people who regard their neglectful as abusive

and your partner… well, no words