MIL Leaving Before We Arrive

[PlinkPlonkThePiano]

So, MIL stayed with us for Christmas. Our relationship is fine, though she doesn't have much interest in our kids which has essentially created a chicken and egg situation. She doesn't have any interest in them, they lose interest in her, with cajoling from us (me mainly) she tries, and then they don't react instantly to her so she then tells us they hate her and how badly done by she is because they won't respond in the way she expects at that point in time.

After leaving us she went to stay at BIL's house (one of her other sons) and she is still there because she has been ill. They have children and maybe three days ago there was a picture of her teaching their youngest to knit (I guess maybe I should have been all about the photos when she did do one activity with one of our kids in the 8 days she was here).

We are due to go over tomorrow afternoon, and MIL has now announced that even though we are going over, she is still leaving in the morning to go home so we will miss her by a few hours maybe. She isn't leaving today cos she had a bad night the night before last and BIL insisted she stays tonight.

AIBU that considering she has been there for god knows how long and away from her own place for a good while, any normal person would just stay for that one extra day (at admittedly mild inconvenience to her as it is a 4 hour drive and probably better to travel on a Sat than a Sunday)? Or am I wrong?

She only just saw you for 8 days, she's already stayed a day extra at BILs than she planned to because he insisted. Let the woman go home!

I should clarify that for my MIL someone ‘insisting’ on them doing something for her is usually the slightest hint and she’s on it.

And I am happy not to see her. She was a pain in the arse whilst she was here with her victim playing but I thought she might stay to at least see the kids.

But you have just said that she is not interested in the kids and they aren't interested in her....what are you expecting here?? Let the poor woman go home and have a break.

You don't want to see her but you're annoyed she's going home? I think you should lower your expectations all round, leave your DH to worry about her and crack on with your own family.

She's been I'll, already had to delay going home and you think she should delay further?

There are clearly things for you guys to sort out, but don't bring this into it. Take it at face value that she just wants to go home.

I don't see the point in her staying. She just saw you guys and isn't a hands on grandma anyway. Maybe nil orchestrated the knitting photo but either way it sounds more fun to have time at bill's without a moany grandma you only just saw.

Your posts don't make logical sense to me.

You actively dislike this woman, state she is a "pain in the arse", saw her recently for several days yet expect her to stay at your BILs later than planned to see your children?

She is clearly not inline with your expectations as a MIL however there is absolutely nothing you can do about this. Let the woman be.

Conversely surely you could go to visit sooner to see her if it’s that important?

You sound like hard work.

She wants her own home and bed, that's completely understandable especially if she is unwell. I would understand your point if she hadnt seen you for ages but she has just seen you

She isn't interested in your children, you say, and you don't care about seeing her. There's no reason for her to stay.

I don't get what you want? There is only so much 'well this person should do this because I have decided it makes more sense than what they have decided to do'

You don't want to see her but am upset you are not seeing her?

I wouldn’t delay a 4 hour drive to later in the day if I could help it.

A 4 hour drive, alone, that but older, in the dark and cold, and arriving late in a dark cold house when you have been ill isn’t that appealing. If she had gone home as originally planned she wouldn’t have been there anyway.

I would drop the cajoling. Relationships work better on the whisperer principle, if they are going to work at all. You cajole, set yourself and then up to fail, then feel resentful. Drop the rope.

She's seen you over the Christmas period, she's been away from home for over a week, been ill and wants to go home. What do you want, blood?

This is a non issue, you saw her recently.

It doesn’t sound like your relationship is ‘fine’ to me from what you have wrote.
Let her go home. She has spent a long time away from home between visiting both families. She probably just wants a rest in her own home.
Its disappointing when your MIL isn’t the MIL/Grandmother you would like. I know because my MIL is also a pain. You can’t change them, you just have to let go of all expectations of them and disengage in the same way as they disengage with your family.

Ok fair enough. Point taken. I hadn’t taken into consideration the fact that it would mean her driving in the dark. We can’t go earlier because DS has a match tomorrow morning. I don’t mean to be hard work or demanding things I don’t want.

In my defence, I suppose I want her to, for once, make an effort that’s not just about ‘her’. As I say when she was here, she ate, slept, read her book or whinged. She certainly didn’t help me.

I accept AIBU

I think you're conflating two things here; an awkward relationship between MIL and your DC, and MIL going home after Christmas.

It sounds like she's been away from home for a long time, is ill, and leaving in the morning would be a sensible option with a four hour drive ahead of her. It's not like you haven't already seen her over Christmas so I think you're being v unreasonable expecting her to stay longer to see you again.

The awkward relationship with DC is entirely separate. I would stop cajoling, it's not your job to engineer a relationship between your MIL and your DC (her GC).

Fair play to you OP, you have accepted that you are BU with good grace. Nice one.

I'm really confused about why you posted.

You don't like your MiL, you don't want to see her, yet you're aggrieved because ... she's not going to see you again this visit?

Maybe the knitting is something she likes to do and an interest she could share when a grandchild asked about it why so bitter their is a photo?
How is she playing the victim?

Although you start by saying your relationship is fine the rest of your comments don't really sound like it....."she was no help to you anyway" stands out is that why you invited her? Do you think she was maybe already coming down with something at yours and your children were a bit more boisterous than BILs?

She's probably exhausted from being around all her grandkids for two weeks. Give her a break.