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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

You aren't even my friend .....she knew I had been reported ...aibu ?

43 replies

railforsakeoe · 06/01/2023 11:13

Il start by saying I have posted before -so if that bothers you please don't be nasty just scroll past (as i don't need any nasty comments today please )
I had a long-standing friendship over 15 years with a girl we will call her Lucy ... but I'm a pushover and was always the one she took the mick out of and always commented on what I was wearing or my hair etc...saying she didn't like something then next week she wore it.
I went out on a Christmas night out and lucy introduced me to her friend who was single (and a bit of a player )
We hit it off and began seeing each other (she hated it as normally it was just sex with them and no feelings )
Anyway lucy caused so much trouble telling lies about me and the person I was seeing believed every word (they had been friends 10 years)
Lucy orchestrated a massive falling out blocked me everywhere (knowing that the person I was seeing would ditch me too -as it was too uncomfortable)(she was happy to loose a long standing friend to stop us dating )
We spoke daily for over a year even after lucy tried to stop us speaking.
Dates /slept together /met the sister and daughter.
Then she backed away but still continued to speak daily for months (Constantly)
There was still an attraction there.
Anyway I found out my ex friend (lucy )reported me to social services saying I was stealing from my grandad who I cared for (lies -and thankfully I could prove was lies-but they follow all reports even anon )
The person I was seeing knew about it and believed lucy (hence backing away from me)
When I was trying to show her that my "friend" was lying she didn't believe me ,were convinced I was lying and wouldn't hear a a bad word about Lucy "
I finally proved what I was saying was true and I hadn't stole from my grandad.
I sent a message saying I thought you had feelings for me-how could you do this,how could you know about this and be a part of it-if anything I thought we were friends,we spoke every day.
They replied "i have told you ,I don't have any friends""you are just someone I met about 12 times with and spoke too "
I'm hurt still
How Could they believe my friend?
After sleeping with me ,speaking daily?
Why not give me let me give my side ? When you knew my friend had it in for me
Why did they say I wasn't even a friend?
I'm so confused

OP posts:
CockSpadget · 06/01/2023 11:58

It sounds to me like Lucy is very insecure and also envious of you. Commenting negatively on your clothes hair etc, is just trying to make herself feel better, and trying to make you insecure as well.

foremostwilly · 06/01/2023 12:00

There is no point in trying to work out what is going on in their heads-just don't let them go on living rent-free in yours.

QueenieL1 · 06/01/2023 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Gazelda · 06/01/2023 12:05

railforsakeoe · 06/01/2023 11:57

I'm trying to move on
I struggle to get my head around how nasty they treated me
I expected it from Lucy but can't believe someone I was intimate with and grew close too could do this to me or at least know about it .

People sometimes do things, say things or behave in ways that others will simply never be able to understand.
I've done things that I can't explain even to myself!

Put Lucy and the woman behind you. They are not worth a further moment in your mind.

Concentrate on other friends or building up a new crowd of people to spend time with.

It's a new year, make a fresh start.

Raquelos · 06/01/2023 12:06

Oh, you poor thing this sounds really hard, I hope you are okay. It sounds as though you felt like you were in a genuine relationship with this person albeit with Lucy being a constant troublemaker. Ultimately it hasn't worked out and your relationship now feels like it was never real and that you must an idiot for feeling that it was. That is so hard because it makes you question your own judgement.

There are a few possibilities, but first I think you have to accept that Lucy was never a friend, and she certainly doesn't seem to have had your best interests at heart. Try and stop trying to work out why she has behaved so badly, it's because she isn't a nice person and was never really your friend, just someone you shared space with for a while. That's all that matters really.

With the relationship, I suppose it is one of two possibilities, either it never was real and you were being played. That might be true, this person might be skilled at stringing people along for their own amusement and seeming more engaged than they really are. If that is the case you have nothing to feel ashamed of, you have been the victim of a player and although that will make you feel horrible they aren't worth your time. People like this often end up sad and alone as they fail to make any real long-term connections.

Alternatively, it was real for a time for both of you, but it has run its course and this person doesn't want to continue. That might be because of Lucy or it might just be that this wasn't "the one" for both of you. In a way, this is easier to accept because it means you weren't cynically taken for a ride by someone you had feelings for. It is sad, but relationships end and often we don't get the closure of understanding exactly why the other person has withdrawn.

Please try and move on rather than focusing on the why. You have been through some horrible stuff with social services, but you have come through it and been found not to be at fault. Thinking about the details of who knew what and when isn't going to change things and it can only prolong the time you spend feeling awful about it. That only delays you moving on to whatever comes next, which can only be better times.

I would cut ties with these people and try and concentrate on other friendships with people that make you feel happy. Life's too short to spend on other people's toxic dramas

All the best

TheShellBeach · 06/01/2023 12:12

OP They both sound horrible and I think you're well rid of them.
Good luck going forward.

KettrickenSmiled · 06/01/2023 12:15

Dump Lucy, dump this "friend", & don't date people you know are players in future.

JoyPeaceHealth · 06/01/2023 12:23

@railforsakeoe with regard to getting upset and confused when people don't behave the way they ought to have I think it's shocking but also useful to understand that people do not have to behave in the way you want them to or the way that you expect them to.

Your yardstick of decency is not yours. They can rationalise things. We all do that.

But the most useful thing to take from this is that there's nobody coming in to your life with a cape now to behave the way they should

You want the pain to end and right now you think that the way the pain will end is if they do what they should do; ie, acknowledge that they behaved badly and hurt you and show some regret. But as you've told us, they've rationalised their behaviour. That is easier than admitting that they did something very shabby.

But a more long term solution is if you behave the way you should . ie Acknowledge that you have trauma and address it seriously by going to a therapist and healing yourself. You can do it but you're not doing it now. That is your own rationalisation. Have you decided that you shouldn't have to? No, you '''shouldn't'' have to but nobody except you is coming to heal you.

railforsakeoe · 06/01/2023 12:35

@JoyPeaceHealth that does make a lot of sense.
Thankyou
I think the stumbling block I'm facing is the fact we were intimate and discussed a relationship then obviously she knew what Lucy had done and continued speaking ..it just feels a bit like betrayal.
But like you said in her head she's rationalised it as we were nothing /not even friends
I guess that's her way of taking any guilt /shame of what happened away

OP posts:
PortableVirgins · 06/01/2023 13:14

railforsakeoe · 06/01/2023 11:52

@CockSpadget it is-it didn't have to be
Any normal friend would of said good things about me not lied to turn the person off me.
It didn't have to be this way -il never understand why Lucy was friends with me and hated me

My question is why you were friends with someone who was, by your own account, never in any way nice to you, long before you started a relationship with her friend? It sounds to me as if someone who always behaved badly to you simply continued, and worsened, an existing pattern of behaviour. And that your former girlfriend believed her longterm friend.

Oher · 06/01/2023 13:19

Well, that sucks.

To sum up: you need better friends.

Lucy is an asshole for being happy for her friend to use you for sex but not being ok that it turned into a meaningful relationship.

The friend is an asshole for leading you on then dropping you over lies without giving you a chance to tell your side of things. But as they did that, the relationship was clearly doomed anyway.

Block both of them (and any other toxic ‘friends’ you tolerate). Go to things where you meet pleasant, drama-free, people.

Make friends with nice people and don’t waste your time with this crap. If you had more self-respect you wouldn’t have put up with either of them from the beginning.

railforsakeoe · 06/01/2023 13:20

@PortableVirgins I don't have many friends,i was a carer for my grandad since I was 18 so didn't get out to meet anyone.
I thought having her was better than being alone,so when I did have spare time I could go out with her
Quite sad looking back tbh
I think she obviously did believe Lucy as why wouldn't she
I would always assume my friends had my best interests at heart

OP posts:
railforsakeoe · 06/01/2023 13:22

@Oher the girl blocked me when I found out about it all.
She claimed she knew nothing about it and I was "crazy " even tho previously had made it clear it was Lucy and she knew.
The whole situation was toxic

OP posts:
JoyPeaceHealth · 06/01/2023 13:28

railforsakeoe · 06/01/2023 12:35

@JoyPeaceHealth that does make a lot of sense.
Thankyou
I think the stumbling block I'm facing is the fact we were intimate and discussed a relationship then obviously she knew what Lucy had done and continued speaking ..it just feels a bit like betrayal.
But like you said in her head she's rationalised it as we were nothing /not even friends
I guess that's her way of taking any guilt /shame of what happened away

It feels like a betrayal because it was a betrayal. But as for healing, there's nobody coming to save you or heal you. You have to be the strong person who comes to your own rescue now. You've been sad and depressed and confused about this betrayal for a long while now. Stand in your own corner and rescue yourself by going to a therapist to talk it through. I do understand more than you can believe I'm sure. I have gone in to it on other threads but I have been totally scapegoated by my own family and for a long time I was stuck hoping that they would have an epiphany. Three years have passed and they have not had an epiphany. Luckily I have done some work (guided by a therapist) and I do feel detached from it and stronger now. I also can reduce it down to ''two different narratives'' which I never could have done 3 years ago.
Nobody is going to come along now and say the soothing words to heal you. But the good news is that if you actively seek out your own healing, that strength will go with you in your future. I was a people pleaser. Decades of people pleasing under my belt. Decades of writing thank you letters to the people who've been drafted in by my mother to give me the silent treatment too. But I feel a strength I didn't have before the therapy. It's easy to say that the solution to three quarters of life's painful events is to just not feel the pain, and that's easy to type, but hard to execute as a voluntary movement. So to speak. I think gradually though, you do get to a point where you just feel the pain of other people's distorted narratives less.
Go to therapy. Invest in to yourself!

BliainNua · 06/01/2023 13:36

The whole situation was toxic
You said it yourself here, neither of them are nice people and the whole situation was toxic.
I know you're hurting, but the best thing you can do is block both of them and find better friends/girlfriends.

BliainNua · 06/01/2023 13:45

I think I remember your previous thread, at least there's something familiar about being falsely accused of stealing from an elderly relative.
You've been cleared, you know that you did nothing wrong. I think Lucy is a mean, vindictive, bitch who is jealous of you. You might think she has nothing to be jealous of, but she is - maybe it's purely because you're a better person. Someone who can kindly look after a grandparent, and someone who can give love.
Take care of yourself, do the best thing for you and never speak to them again!
Flowers

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 06/01/2023 13:50

Good points from @JoyPeaceHealth Cut all ties with these two toxic people. You are not responsible for their nasty behaviour. That is down to them and they are probably doing this to someone else now. Seek help to learn how not to get involved in similar relationships and how to move on. When you've got it out of your system and try to refocus your thoughts on the future. Its a new year. Put them behind you and focus on yourself. You deserve better but you have to get that for yourself. You cannot fix the past, you can only fix the present.

railforsakeoe · 06/01/2023 15:58

It's a new year like you say
A brand new start
You know the worst thing I loved my grandad so much -he was everything to me
(He actually passed a week after I found out it was lucy)
For her to stoop so low is honestly beyond me
What did she get out of it il never know
I think she went as low as she could to put this woman off.
Said I was crazy ,unstable etc
Neither are true
Anyway -it's done now
So let's try to put it behind me
(Famous last words hey )

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