Page 2 | To not let my kids have phones/iPads in their bedrooms?

Sicilianchi · 2023-01-06T11:03:03+00:00

We have blanket rule of no technology upstairs. Eldest child is 10 and now has phone. I obviously have my reasons for this while they are still little. Child thinks Aibu of course. Am I?

ChocChipOwl · 06/01/2023 11:27

No access overnight for as long as you can!

My youngest is now 16 and has he only just allowed it in the past month - as in, he can just regulate himself and if he chooses to stay up late, he has to accept the consequences of tiredness the next day.

I'd never have allowed it at 10

MrsR87 · 06/01/2023 11:29

MrsR87 · 06/01/2023 11:26

At the end of the day; your child, your decision.

However, as a teacher who obviously has dealt with safeguarding concerns that have stemmed from mobile phone/internet usage, I would say you are not being unreasonable.

Of course, children and teenagers need some degree of privacy but IN MY OPINION (based on some of the safeguarding cases I have seen) this should not be extended to the internet until they are much older. Even 14-16 year olds often fall foul of the internet and sometimes their actions can have lasting consequences. We always say to our pupils that if you wouldn’t show your grandma what you’re up to on your phone, then you shouldn’t be doing it. To me the easiest way of ensuring this is making internet usage something that happens in a public space in the home for as long as possible and even when you decide that they can have access
in their private spaces, it needs to be in the understanding that if you want to see their device, they show you immediately.

I know lots of people will disagree and say it’s an invasion of privacy, but to me safety is the priority and when I think of how many children in a school of 1500 have had some kind of problems stemming from phone and internet usage, it makes me realise who rife the problem is.

To add to why I said, the more tech savvy you are yourself always really helps as you can restrict screen time and what they can access etc.

I think it’s also important to be open about the problems they can face online! If you are able to have open conversations and they are open with their device usage then this is a way of allowing the internet in bedrooms in a safer way.

Original poster

Sicilianchi · 06/01/2023 12:27

caravanbuckie · 06/01/2023 11:24

As far as my reasons go, I was allowed a laptop in my bedroom as a teenager and was groomed online repeatedly. So that’s on my mind.

Was that simply because you had your laptop upstairs or because you hadn't been taught about these things, and protected from them?

Also bullying, I can’t protect her from that if she’s holed up in her bedroom.

Unless you are reading their phone over their shoulder you have no idea what is being said. I think it's better to encourage open and honest conversations about these things rather then simply ban the use upstairs

You are talking about a 10 year old though so I assumed you were asking about watching movies and maybe playing games, not online use.

Theres two things going on here.
Firstly, she may only be ten and not into all this stuff yet, but it’s easier for me to have a ground rule from the start, than to allow it and then take it away as she grows and these things become problematic.
Also she’s not 10 emotionally, she’s very young for her age and isn’t able to navigate these things for herself yet.

We do have open and honest communication, and she comes to me if she’s worried about something she has seen. But I just feel this is best for her at the moment. All kids are different.

Really interesting responses though. I’ll show her some of them.

OP posts:

YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake · 06/01/2023 13:49

We have this rule, the older ones are allowed to take their devices to their rooms to FaceTime their friends, but apart from that devices are downstairs.

WhenIAmOldIShallWearPurple · 06/01/2023 13:53

My eldest is 10. I have this rule.

I also work in safeguarding.

The two things are linked...

Adeleskirts · 06/01/2023 13:53

I preferred to teach my child how to use technology appropriately and to safe guard, banning in the room doesn’t really help them any other time. But you need to parent as you see fit. But for me, no this is the easy option that shows no trust and takes you off the hook. It wasn’t the option I took.

BabyOnBoard90 · 06/01/2023 13:56

DuplicateUserName · 06/01/2023 11:05

You're neither reasonable or unreasonable - your child, your choice.

No doubt this thread will turn into the usual mud slinging from parents who are pro/anti this sort of thing.

Either way, you're going to do what you're going to do.

This sums it up well

WinterSnowing · 06/01/2023 14:09

Social media and the internet are in no way safe places for kids or teenagers. We are only just catching up with the harms so YADNBU. A kid is only a few clicks away from so many rabbit holes, or dodgy chat sites.

That being said, it’s also a fantastic resource and one that kids will fight tooth and nail for as ‘all the other kids’ will be doing it etc.

So if I were you I’d keep it out of the bedrooms for as long as possible, homework downstairs, social media sites restricted. Forget privacy, tell your kids that their devices are not private until early teens at the very earliest. You will need to monitor their devices, set parental controls and be vigilante. But also use the technology yourself, learn about it, share it with your kids, play computer games together, educate them and you together.

BigMadAdrian · 06/01/2023 14:10

Very strict no tech upstairs rule in our house - all adults also abide by it. This includes TV. The more time kids spend away from tech the better. We have lots of communal space, so they can quietly do homework that needs laptops, etc, without having to go to their bedrooms.

WinterSnowing · 06/01/2023 14:12

Also I have lots of friends who work in Silicon Valley type tech industries and social media.

Almost all of them keep their kids away from devices and social media as much as possible. So… they should know!

antipodeancanary · 06/01/2023 14:19

DuplicateUserName · 06/01/2023 11:05

You're neither reasonable or unreasonable - your child, your choice.

No doubt this thread will turn into the usual mud slinging from parents who are pro/anti this sort of thing.

Either way, you're going to do what you're going to do.

FS No! Never say or even think this. Your child does not mean your choice. You don't own the child. You get the responsibility, you get to advise and guide, you get to support, discuss, hope and pray if you want. But you do not get to do whatever you want. That's a short cut to abuse.

UnbeatenMum · 06/01/2023 14:21

Mine are 12 and 13 and we also have this rule. May relax it at 16 although DC2 is autistic and a bit more vulnerable so we haven't made any promises yet.

caravanbuckie · 06/01/2023 14:22

@antipodeancanary

It is OP choice about whether to let her child have a phone/iPad upstairs.

What are you waffling about?

NameChangeGin · 06/01/2023 14:24

You are not being unreasonable. Your house, your rules.

My children have PCs they use in the kitchen dining room. They have phones they use anywhere except bedrooms. I'm not particularly strict with how much screen time they have, just like to make sure I know roughly what they r doing and looking at. But every parent does it differently and there's no right way

WinterSnowing · 06/01/2023 14:25

I guess the problem with your child your choice...
Is that this is a safeguarding issue.

ily0 · 06/01/2023 14:25

YANBU those things are addictive for adults let alone children

NameChangeGin · 06/01/2023 14:27

antipodeancanary · 06/01/2023 14:19

FS No! Never say or even think this. Your child does not mean your choice. You don't own the child. You get the responsibility, you get to advise and guide, you get to support, discuss, hope and pray if you want. But you do not get to do whatever you want. That's a short cut to abuse.

Show quote history

I think the poster meant 'your child, you parent them your way'.

Safeguarding issue? 🙄

caravanbuckie · 06/01/2023 14:28

WinterSnowing · 06/01/2023 14:25

I guess the problem with your child your choice...
Is that this is a safeguarding issue.

In the context of the thread though, letting a child have internet access is a safeguarding issue regardless of which room it is in. It is our choice as parents to make rules to keep our children safe. For some that may be no tech upstairs, for others no tech and some might allow it upstairs for X time per day. There still always be parents who don't take this seriously but those are not the parents asking on mumsnet because they are not sure or want to confirm their choice is valid.

redskydelight · 06/01/2023 14:28

With children that age I can't see why anyone thinks YABU. It's not as though they were teenagers. Although I hope their access to inappropriate material is locked down anyway, you have conversations about keeping themselves safe on the internet, dont' allow social media etc.

Original poster

Sicilianchi · 06/01/2023 14:28

Adeleskirts · 06/01/2023 13:53

I preferred to teach my child how to use technology appropriately and to safe guard, banning in the room doesn’t really help them any other time. But you need to parent as you see fit. But for me, no this is the easy option that shows no trust and takes you off the hook. It wasn’t the option I took.

You know what, total respect for you for doing it your way. But for the purposes of discussion, please don’t assume I don’t trust my child.

I trust her. It’s not about trust. It’s about the fact that they are children and not mature enough to deal with these situations, so the safest thing I can do is prevent and supervise. To me trust does not come into it, it just seems mean to me to expect a child who won’t have a fully developed brain for many years, to deal with whatever they might see online with unsupervised access in a bedroom. If she sees something super explicit I cannot take that away from her or undo that damage. I’d rather prevent it from the outset. If she is bullied or stressed out by things as she gets older she has no safe space from that. She does this way. I’m not saying I’m right and this way is perfect, but trusting her does not mean she needs to go through these things if I can protect her in some way until she is more mature or developed. She’s a good kid and I trust her explicitly. But I also want to look after her.

OP posts:

redskydelight · 06/01/2023 14:29

I'm assuming the phone/tablet is connected to the internet. If they are just using them for playing games or reading a book, my answer would be different :)

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 06/01/2023 14:31

We have this rule.

No Internet access in bedrooms at all until high school and homework. Then we allow it for that and for agreed things.

No devices in bedrooms overnight at all.

Somewhat amusingly my 17yo whinges to certain people in her friend group about how draconian we are about the overnight thing. Even though we now allow her to regulate herself - apparently it’s just easier with this group to blame us as there’s a couple who regularly message the groups at 3/4am! (I’ve been told I must not tell anyone it’s her choice as we’re a handy get out)