Overbearing family

[Throwaway202]

Hi all. Just wondering if I’ve gone too far or now. I’m currently pregnant with my first child. I have quite a large family and some family members tend to get very involved in others lives (basically 2 aunts in particular and 1 cousin). Throughout the pregnancy every week or so I was getting phone calls and messages asking for updates and that was all lovely and didn’t bother me. The closer I got to my due date the more frequent the calls and messages. I hit breaking point the week leading up to my due date when Id have a call from my dad (his first grandchild so I do understand the excitement) and the first thing he always asked was where was I (meaning home or hospital?) and he’d ask it a few times within the same conversation then would keep asking how long did I think until I had the baby. Then I had a call from one aunt asking for an update and as we were getting off the phone she basically said “ok I’ll call you in 2 days”. I tried to gently discourage this but she was adamant just in case something happened.

2 days later she tried phoning but I was out at the time and couldn’t answer. My plan was to message her when I had gotten home but I forgot. The next day I had a message from my cousin and another aunt asking for an update and a message from the first aunt asking if everything was ok. Again I was out and busy so didn’t answer straight away but an hour later I replied to the first aunt just saying all was well but was busy and i would call her in a few days. All of a sudden shit guys the fan, she’s started messaging and calling the rest of the family and somehow they all decided something was wrong. I started getting more messages asking if everything was ok and my partner started getting messages as well.

Now my thing was if I was in labour I’m hardly gonna be calling/ texting everyone every 10 mins. I basically sent out a message to everyone saying I was going offline and not to worry and once there was any news they would be called and told. I know they’re all saying I’m being unreasonable but also a lot of the rest of family are on my side. I feel bad as I would like everyone involved but I have enough to deal with without the added stress of dealing with a million phone calls.

So far it’s worked I send a brief message every couple of days to say no sign of baby yet but I find it sad cause I’m a week overdue and had a sweep, I’ve got another booked in next week and a date for induction but I’m not telling any family cause otherwise it would be constantly ringing me. AIBU?

You know you’re not being unreasonable. Tell them you’re turning your phone off now because you’re practicing setting boundaries now for when the baby is born. You’re going to be tired, establishing breastfeeding and sleeping, and as a first time mum, you are not going to allow people to intrude on this bonding by expecting you to constantly pick up the phone, send photos or allow drop ins.

Can you pass on this burden to someone else in the family? I would if you can.So maybe if you could say to a sister or brother or mum that its really getting you down could they message for you to say all is ok and you are resting and will let them know when anything happens? I do understand your frustration but on the other side they must be very excited and looking forward to your new arrival,I think by the sounds of it they love and care for you very much and its coming from a good place. It might be a good idea though to put some boundaries in place for when your new baby arrives . A group whats app maybe where you can message a couple of times a week with a picture and tell everyone you are ok all at the same times? It might keep them in the loop and make them back off a little? Good luck sent on your sweep!

You aren't being unreasonable, but when people know your due date some are relentless. I'd send a message to all who are badgering you, tell them no sign of baby you are taking time to rest and will be spending limited time on your phone and will update them when you need to/ want to.

Thank you. I did try that but still had a phone call a few hours later asking for news. When I mentioned there was still no news she said “oh ya so and so did say that. I just thought I’d check myself” so it didn’t really work out 🤦‍♀️ I do know they mean well I just found it was getting to the point that the whole experience was getting ruined for me and my partner. The only good thing (which up till now I never said was a good thing) is we don’t live near to them so it’s not like they can just drop by unexpectedly which I think definitely would have happened

Have you seen the David Attenborough is alive subreddit? Someone posts "Yes" every day just to confirm he is still alive.

I'd be tempted to set up a group WhatsApp with everyone in it, remove yourself from it, and have your DP post "no news" in it every day. So you're not involved, no one worries, and everyone shuts up.

You need one family member (ideally DP) being the point of contact. That way you can focus on the birth and not your relatives

You're not being unreasonable at all, but you've (inadvertently! I'm not blaming you) set a precedent where you will answer their calls/give them constant updates etc. Obviously that would be fine with reasonable people who wouldn't take it too far, but this lot have, so it's time to start creating a new narrative.

I agree with PPs suggestions regarding this immediate problem - get DP to update them with one/two words each day. Simple message when baby is born, and then get used to the DND function on your phone. When you say you're going offline mean it - block them temporarily or set your phone to DND.

Then slowly start building a new reputation as someone who doesn't use their phone much. Say it's your new year's resolution if you want. Take 2-3 days to reply to messages. Only answer every third call, or only answer between 7pm and 8pm - whatever works for you. Eventually (hopefully 🤞) it will just be the norm.

Definitely set up a family whatsapp. I do think it's lovely they're so interested but a simple message on a group whatsapp to let them know there's no baby yet should be enough. It's normal to let people know when you go into labour but be clear there won't be hourly updates as DH will be busy supporting you but he'll post when baby is here.

Switch your phone off they are being incredibly selfish not to mention entitled I’d switch my phone to do not disturb let you and baby settle and then contact them! This is the sort of shit that causes PND! Boundaries need putting in place rn.

And it’s non of there business what your having done medically either!!!! That’s completely crossing the line.

Not unreasonable, it drove me up the wall!