No contact parents

[Badanxiety]

I’ve recently fallen out with my mum and feel very strong that I don’t want to rekindle the relationship, lots of falling out and fed up of being upset by her.
She was supposed to have my DC for tea and has asked to rearrange due to making other arrangements, this is not the first time she has done this and often has the other grandchild a lot more than my DC, another thing we have fallen out over. I’ve said no to the rearrangement meaning I’ve stopped contact with my DC
im just wanting some reassurance and any tips on how to move forward, due to our falling out my anxiety has been awful and I was just starting to feel good again and now I know I’m in for weeks of bad anxiety
sorry if I’ve drip feed, it will be quite ousting if I give all the details and my anxiety couldn’t deal with that

Personally I would need a bit more of the back story before trying to give any advice. It does sound like she maybe favours your sister for some reason, but I'd like to know why you think she does this, ie, does your sister live closer to her, making it easier for your Mum to help out? What other things have you fallen out over? You say that you suffer badly from anxiety, is this anything to do with your history with Mum, or is there some other reason? Are you receiving counselling or any other help with the anxiety? Do you have a partner, if so, what do they think? Do you have real life friends that you've discussed this with, if so what are their thoughts? Sorry so many questions, but without more info, it is hard to try and help in my opinion.

Issue here is that to many having a bad relationship with their mum is so foreign. You're likely to get lots of messages calling you mean for keeping DC from her and how you 'only have one mum' etc.

If I tell people some of the shit my mum has done to me they cry if they try to imagine their mum doing that to them. Only you know what your relationship is and whether you think she is a good influence on DC and you. You can reduce or stop contact with her. Get some therapy or read some books to understand her behaviour. This helped me predict what she was going to do and why which reduced my anxiety massively.

Example from mine. If I call and she is upset at me for some ridiculous reason she'll refuse to speak to me, but also refuse to tell me she doesn't want to speak to me. So the person trying to pass the phone to her just says she's busy and she'll call later. She doesn't of course, but she thinks she has me sat by the phone waiting anxiously for her to call. She wants me to text her, call her again, feel like she has control, then acts like she doesn't know anything about the silent treatment and its all in my head when she finally speaks to me again 2 weeks later. I don't do that anymore. I roll my eyes and leave it. I know no call is coming. I don't text. Next time she hears my voice is when she calls me. She learnt quick that tactic doesn't work anymore!

I cut ties with my family of origin after years of taking one step back from them at a time. I asked my (grown) kid to cut ties too, not that there was much tie left to cut by that time.

They've (my family of origin) always just been nasty to me. I guess I was the scapegoat. I already knew would try to use my kid against me in any way they could. After all, if I thought they were fair or reasonable or an asset to my family, I would not have cut them off in the first place myself. I also did not want my kid to have to be subjected to all that mess. We live far from my family of origin, I guess I should add.

That's been over years ago and I still think about them nearly every day. But I still don't think it would make any sense to go back, because nothing ever changes and I do not plan to put up with any more mistreatment.

My point is, in my experience it is very painful either way so you have to just pick the least painful of the painful choices, in my opinion.

One thing that helps me is just getting back into the present whenever I catch myself ruminating. I deliberately redirect those thoughts to my immediate, present family. Even about something as small as what I plan to fix them for dinner redirects my thoughts. A worry dwelled on grows and worry ignored shrinks. If that helps.

You might also want to try therapy. Which I always tell people but for some reason have avoided myself. So for what it's worth... Good luck with it.

If it makes you feel better I haven't seen my mother since my child (her first grandchild) was a week old (now 7.5 months) and we live in the same Borough. No argument occurred she just hasn't contacted because as I'm apparently being stubborn whatever that means and should have brought baby to her.

I swore that once I had my child I wouldn't engage in toxic back n forths with friends and family. DM is an alcoholic who finds reasons to be unhappy or to conflict with family.

I say all this to say, toxic people weigh you down. If you need to take a step back then do so.

Thank you for your help and advice and also sharing your personal experiences. She always favours my nephew and always my sister and knowing how that made me feel I don’t want my DC to go through that and her cancelling their visit just showed me that other things are more important to her than my DC.
I will definitely look into therapy as I have a lot to work through with her

I don’t want to give to much as I’m not ready for more backlash if it gets out, we mainly fall out over her having my nephew and not my DC which she says she understands but doesn’t change it. I have been on medication the last 5 years for depression but weaned myself off, my anxiety has been a result of our falling out in November and only the last few day I’ve felt good again. DH totally agrees with me and would of gone no contact earlier and most I speak to agree also with my decision