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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be dreading MIL's visit.

16 replies

claireybee · 04/02/2008 15:09

We last saw MIL 18 months ago when dd was 2 months old (DH is African). I like MIL and am looking forward to seeing her, and also for her to spend time with dd and to meet ds BUT I am still dreading her staying with us for 10 days, especially as DH hasn't taken any time off work so it will be just me and her during the day.

She is coming over "to help me" with the children etc, except I know that in reality that in't going to happen. She said the same when she last came over, but she spent only a few minutes each day with dd, completely hyped her up, then passed her back to me as soon as dd got overstimulated and began to cry. I then had to spend twice as much time settling dd as I would normally have to. I'm not so worried about dd this time, as she is pretty adaptable and copes well with stimulation but ds is far far more sensitive than dd ever was and already cries easily without MIL hyping him up.

We have a tiny 2 bed house so will be moving dd into our room for the duration so that MIL can have a bedroom. It is already extrememly cramped with ds in our room, neither of them sleeps well and I just know the lack of space/us all being on top of each other is going to stress me out.

Last time she was over she also kept bursting into our bedroom at 7am or whenever she woke (not knocking), not ever thinking that we might want privacy, or even considering that we had been up half the night with a baby and could do with some rest.

MIL is also quite domineering. She means well, but has a habit of telling me "you should do xyz" or even "you must do xyz". She is also very blunt, and has no problem making personal and often rude comments. She also has a habit of mocking me, for example making 'jokey' comments about the tidyness of the house etc-coming from a woman who has always had a maid to help her with her housework and do the bulk of the childcare I find it quite insulting.

Ok I am being unreasonable, she hasn't seen her only grandaughter in 18 months and of course she wants to meet her only grandson. I don't begrudge her wanting to spend that time with them, and it is important to me that they grow up having a relationship with her - I just wish she didn't have to come and stay with me to do it! If we had more space, yes. If DH was also going to be there, even better. It's just the thought of an intensive 10 day MIL session that is freaking me out.

Can you understand where I am coming from or am I being ureasonably unreasonable???

OP posts:

HalleBerrysBikini · 04/02/2008 15:11

Oh gawd YANBU, I would kill myself. Not joking. ((((HUGS))) for you.

pol27 · 04/02/2008 15:12

you're being reasonable MIL's are a pain in the backside. Thank god you don't see her that often!!

bigknickersbigknockers · 04/02/2008 15:12

Can you not ask DH to take some time off work during her stay, also suggest she stay in a local B&B due to the lack of space

WinkyWinkola · 04/02/2008 15:31

She must stay in a B&B. It's ridiculous to put you out like this.

Original poster

claireybee · 04/02/2008 15:37

Problem is that neither she nor dh see it as putting me out. To their minds she will be helping! Also we don't have the spare cash to put her in a b&b ourselves and the currency translation means she can't really afford it either after her flights etc.
AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!

Do feel better though just for knowing that other people see my point!

OP posts:

MrsMattie · 04/02/2008 15:41

She sounds exactly like my MIL. And she stayed with us for THREE MONTHS last year . Never again. I have imposed a 2 week limit on any future stays, so your 10 day stint sounds quite luxurious :-) Sorry, don't mean to make light of it. I totally sympathise. Grit your teeth, smile sweetly, get out and about a lot so you aren't stuck with her chipping away at you all day & keep telling yourself how great it is that your DCs have their grandma around for a bit...

saralou · 04/02/2008 15:46

not unreasonable at all... i have my mil coming in 3 weeks - joy! i'm dreading it too.

can your dh really not have any time off? even a couple of days? thats really not fair! i actually get on ok with mil - she is nuts though... no way do i want to be left entertaining her!! i'd kill her!!!

Original poster

claireybee · 04/02/2008 15:53

Three months??? Bloody hell! Poor you! I shall just keep telling myself it is only 10 days

OP posts:

Flibbertyjibbet · 04/02/2008 15:57

Also keep telling yourself that you don't have to put up with them calling unexpectedly....anytime they feel like it...all year round.

MrsMattie · 04/02/2008 15:58

I know, I know, POOR ME [grin}. She lives in the USA and is a widow, so when she comes over she comes for a while and we feel bad about making her pay for a hotel when we have a spare room. She stayed for 2 months when I was pregnant / had just has my son. Now that was unbearable. She is also very blunt and bossy, and claims to be helping when she doesn't at all. I feel sorry for her in some ways, though. but my gosh she is hard to get along with. You have my sympathies!

bozza · 04/02/2008 16:03

So why is DH not taking time off work to spend with his mother? Presumably he hasn't see her for 18 months either? I think that would ease things for you a bit.

kayzr · 04/02/2008 16:08

I would expect that dh would have taken time of work to see her.
I secretly think you're lucky I'd to love to only see MIL once every 18 months.
Hope all goes well for you

Bouncingturtle · 04/02/2008 16:09

Clairey - you are sooooo NBU!
Your dh is BU ny not taking any time of, doesn't he WANT to spend time with his mum? ( don't answer that)
Really feel for you, she sounds like a well meaning PITA!

nametaken · 04/02/2008 16:37

Yes, your dh should spend some time with her too.

If she makes a joke about the house joke back and say "oh yes, you must give me the telephone number of your maid" - if your brave enough.

WinkyWinkola · 05/02/2008 20:25

Or when she makes jokes about your house just tell her she doesn't actually have to stay with you if she finds it so bad.

If there's any fallout from this (i.e. she reports back to DH), just say that you're not used to having house guests making rude comments especially when you're putting yourself out for them.

I think if you stand up to bullies (and she does sound like a bully!), they soon back off.

RandZsMummy · 05/02/2008 21:16

YANBU at all. I sort of know how your feeling, my PIL come every year for 4 MONTHS and split their time between their 3 children so it works out that I end up having them for about 7 weeks (more if their not getting on with their other dils) and they drive me INSANE especially as they are always here in the summer, so we don?t get to really do anything with the dc as a family during the holidays and they do nothing but bitch about their extended family. And my dh is like yours he thinks they are helping me (when in fact they are making life so much more difficult!) and I should be privileged to have them. Sorry rant over!!!

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