Feel like the worst person in the world

[needahandholdw]

Sorry if this comes off self pitying or if I truely am just an asshole but I feel like I could really use some gentle words right now.

I'm a mum to an 18 month old, currently 18 weeks pregnant. Always struggled massively with ocd and anxiety which got far worse in pregnancy with DD. Once she was born I managed to get myself back together and started to feel ok.

Today however I just lost it, I can feel those terrifying suicidal feelings creeping back in this evening after what happened.

She's been really difficult today, having tantrum after tantrum no matter what I do. I work long hours four days a week so I can look after her on Thursday and today was our special day off together.

No matter what I did she would keep screaming and kicking me and scratching at me. We went out, went to see my family and made sure she was clean, fed and happy.

This evening though she head butted me by accident and then scratched me in the eye, and I just lost it. I screamed in her face while DH was there who told me to "f* off" and that I'm a horrible mean person to my daughter. I know she doesn't understand and won't remember but it's broke me. Im sat crying in my bathroom upstairs feeling like the world would be better if I just died and he could look after her by himself

I feel awful, I know I'm only going to get bigger and more tired and I feel like I'm just the worst parent to this new baby before it's even been born.

I don't know where to go. I never found the mental health teams were very good last pregnancy and I have very few friends to lean on.

I couldn’t just read and run…

OP you are SO not an asshole. Toddlers can be so much fun and so entertaining. They can also be utterly awful! Something I read when I was having an awful day with my toddler was that when you’re questioning your parenting skills and wondering if you are good enough, that is because you ARE a good parent. A bad parent wouldn’t even consider it.

Is your DH normally so short with you? Speaking to you like that in front of your daughter is not good regardless of the circumstances. That said he might be feeling the strain too.

Once your daughter is in bed later on have a sit down and chat to your DH. Talk about how you’re feeling - he could be feeling the same - you are a parenting team and need to support each other through the tough times.

Also if you are genuinely thinking of harming yourself I recommend calling The Samaritans - 116 123 - just to have someone impartial to chat to.

Sending hugs OP

No no no no! OP, you are not a horrible person, you are a HUMAN BEING. You had a tough day and you are hormonal and toddlers are the most challenging creatures on this planet and beyond. You lost your cool, we all do! We really do. When you both feel ready, I say both because toddlers can have awful days when nothing helps, but when you are ready, just give your DD a big cuddle, tell her you lover, read a story and you'll feel much better. And do speak to your GP, there's so much help out there to make you feel better. Please don't suffer alone ♥️ Hugs

Toddlers are tough OP. Most people lose their cool occasionally. You're daughter is safe, cared for and loved. She's fine. Ironically I think setting yourself impossible standards can make us worse parents. If she's driving you mad it's fine to just leave the room for a few minutes. Sometimes we lose our cool before this happens, it's not the end of the world.

It sounds like you need more support with your mental health. Can you afford private therapy? If not get yourself on NHS waiting lists. You deserve support.

See your GP

Get private therapy if you can

Reflexology was great for me too

I suffered for years with pre and post natal depression. You are worth it. Please seek support