I just don't know anymore if IAU with MIL

[hamlover]

So much backstory here with MIL. So many arguments / bad feelings. Sometimes I just don't know if it's me or if it's genuinely her who's UR.

This isn't a big deal, but more of a thing that just annoyed me and showed that I annoy her as well.

We recently moved to MIL area. ( MIL didn't grow up there ). We moved here for many reasons, not really only because in laws live near.

It's a nice enough area, but a bit nothing. Nothing special. We absolutely knew what we were getting before moving, so it's not surprising in any way. But I was just commenting ( general chit chat ) about how it's a bit nothing and there's not many nice places to go/ not that many nice things to do in general. How I would probably move further away, if it wasn't for work. That kind of thing. Just general chit chat, not wishing to offend. We are still happy with our decision etc. which I also said, I was kind of just chatting about the benefits / and things I didn't like about it.

MIL turns around and goes - well where your parents live is just awful. I really don't like it there.

I'm like.. Ehm ok... she seemed generally pissed off when she said it too. Like how dare I say I don't like her area, seeing as I come from such a shit hole ( where my parents live ). Or am I over thinking it ? Isn't that just an odd way to respond to general chit chat ? We weren't even talking about my parents or where I'm from in any way...

I think it's quite odd to casually sit and slag off where someone lives.... I expect, combined with the previous bad blood, she got defensive.

I can understand your MILs reaction. You were offending her by criticising the place she chose to live. She would have felt like you were looking down on her so has bitten back.
I think you are unreasonable.

But I live in the same place !! And chose it as well!! Knowing exactly what it's like.

I agree, OP, her reaction is disproportionate. My DM does that sometimes takes things personally and digs up some random criticism of someone in defence of something totally unrelated. A more measured reaction from her would have been to talk about the positive aspects of the area.

Also we were having general chit chat and she was even saying the things she doesn't like about the area.

It sounds like she was looking for a row but I get what you are saying. If you didn't live there also, then it would be a bit of a put-down to your MIL but as you are living there it does seem a bit of an over the top reaction.

Why would you be bothered about her opinion on where your parents live?

You were being rude!

My thinking is this - you are new to the area and you seem to dislike it more than you like it (from your post), whereas your MIL chose the place before you and must like it more than she dislikes it otherwise she might not have stayed. Therefore it might be perceived by her that you think you have come from a ‘better’ place, which is why I think your MIL seemed offended and bit back.
Only you know the context of the conversation though. My opinion is just based on your post.

Yeah you were out of order. Mil obviously chose to live there and you are slagging it it off and moaning. I'd have been on defensive too.

It's a conversation we often all have / had even before living here, because we frequently visited anyway.

Everyone who lives here has the same convo about how rubbish it is, but how it has its benefits etc.

I just don't see why that's offensive, as we all do it... what the place I come from has to do with it, I don't know !

And also, I was saying how much happier I am here, than where I lived before ( not the place I'm from ), but where I lived before moving here..

Have you moved to Bedford @hamlover?

Was it an odd way to respond ?
Not really. You were talking down where she lives. She took offence and took it personally. She has chosen to live there for many years.

Very hurtful to her. She may have felt it was almost a sideways attack on her.

There is a thing called tact. And to think before speaking. Good manners show both. Consideration of other peoples feelings matters.

I'm really surprised you think it's so rude.

If roles were reversed and I responded like that to MIL, she'd say I was sensitive and unreasonable, that's for sure.

Unfortunately I think you were being a bit unreasonable to criticise where she lives. She became defensive as I would if anyone criticised where I lived. Doesn't matter that you have moved to the area also.

You upset her. I can talk about the shit things about my city but I get annoyed if dh does (he's not from there). Its a bit irrational but there you are. I suspect you got her back up. I'd just apologise and not have that kind of conversation in front of her again.

When immigrants or expats to this country complain about it (even though, like you, they've chosen to live here) don't we all bristle about it? It's quite natural to do so. Your MIL is just doing the same, but on a smaller scale.

So I'm right then, she lashed out... by saying where I'm from is rubbish.

If I lashed out at her the same way, she would say I was so sensitive and take everything personally....

She's not from the area either ! Neither of us are !

I think you were rude and she got defensive. Just put it in the past and move on.

I think you were wrong personally. You were insulting where she lives, It doesn’t matter if you live there too, an insult is an insult. It would be like rocking up to a party wearing the same dress as another woman and casually telling her that the outfit is awful! Surely you get that she would then be offended?

She got defensive and bit back. It’s that simple.

I agree you were being rude. "Not that many nice places to go" is pretty negative. It's rude to move to an area and then complain about it to the locals (even if they weren't born there) - if you don't like it, don't come.

You were rude and she got defensive. Neither of you are covered in glory. I'd put it down to an awkward moment and move on.

This. Her reaction was definitely touchy but especially given you already don't have a good relationship it seems a bit provactive to start critisizing where she lives. It's the kind of conversation I might have with a close friend who I know isn't easily offended but is a bit rude to have generally.

You were rude and she bit back. Good on her.