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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Close friend abusing adult son

26 replies

Bristoluser · 05/01/2023 00:38

One of my close friends treats her 20 year son like he's 12 years old. She weighs him weekly, tells him what to do, where to go and is completely controlling towards him. He is immature but mainly because of how he's been treated. She loves him dearly but can't seem to see he's an adult. He's desperately unhappy and has confided in me about suicidal thoughts because of this. How can I help him without losing my friend? I have spoken up for him many times but she is very strong minded and doesn't react well to criticism.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bristoluser · 05/01/2023 00:40

He has asked my son to help him and we really want to help but don't know how to

OP posts:
RunLolaRun102 · 05/01/2023 00:41

Take her out for the day somewhere, and encourage him to leave home while you are out.

2023goals · 05/01/2023 00:42

He needs his own place - tell him to apply for council lists? Victims of abuse get priority.

or if you don’t think the situation is volatile, gently speak to your friend about how she is making him feel. She may not realise and may be willing to change

Original poster
Bristoluser · 05/01/2023 00:44

Many people have spoken to her. She rows with her ex about him often. I don't think he's mature enough to leave home.

OP posts:
shieldmaiden7 · 05/01/2023 00:47

Can't his dad step in and move him in with him temporarily until he can find his feet?

Daisybuttercup12345 · 05/01/2023 00:48

Contact adult social services for advice.

Original poster
Bristoluser · 05/01/2023 00:48

It's a very complex situation as he's immature and not yet working. He has very low self esteem. He was bullied at school and I don't think he'd be able to live independently yet. She wouldn't take much criticism from me well though I have tried. I am thinking of confiding in her sister in law who is aware of the situation

OP posts:
Original poster
Bristoluser · 05/01/2023 00:49

Unfortunately it's impossible for him to live with his dad

OP posts:
Sugarfree23 · 05/01/2023 00:49

The obvious answer is he moves in with his Dad.
I can't think of many 20 year olds being willing weighed by their mother. Does he have anorexia or a weigh issue?
Does he work or go to college ie does he get time out the house?

2023goals · 05/01/2023 00:50

Ultimately though, him not being able to live independently is not a reason for him to stay in an abusive situation. It may be that he needs social services support in the future or a support worker

Mybonnielad · 05/01/2023 00:53

You say he is immature so maybe your friend is looking after him and it is appearing as abuse. If he isn't able to live independently then perhaps he needs the guidance?

Original poster
Bristoluser · 05/01/2023 00:55

It's a mix of him needing support and her providing too much and over dominating

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 05/01/2023 00:56

Mybonnielad · 05/01/2023 00:53

You say he is immature so maybe your friend is looking after him and it is appearing as abuse. If he isn't able to live independently then perhaps he needs the guidance?

Do those descriptions count as one person caring for another? The boy is having suicidal thoughts.

OP is he willing to speak to his GP?

Original poster
Bristoluser · 05/01/2023 00:59

He's having counselling, has been in touch with some support services about abuse and is on ADs.

OP posts:
Cherry35 · 05/01/2023 02:36

Maybe mother and son could attend counselling together so the counsellor mediates on how controlling your friend is.

I think that her overprotection comes from a place of love due to his bullying.

TheCatterall · 05/01/2023 02:38

it doEs sound like a vulnerable adult safeguarding issue. Have you spoken to social services. Or asked his other family to. I’d also speak to his gp with him. The more services aware the less it can be hidden. Does she realise or agree she’s going overboard with him or that her behaviour is ‘off’?

MichaelFartblender · 05/01/2023 03:29

Could he move in with you for a while?

KickBoxingDay · 05/01/2023 06:45

Is he physically well?

kittensinthekitchen · 05/01/2023 07:23

What explanation does she give for the weighing?

CremeEggsForBreakfast · 05/01/2023 07:32

Mybonnielad · 05/01/2023 00:53

You say he is immature so maybe your friend is looking after him and it is appearing as abuse. If he isn't able to live independently then perhaps he needs the guidance?

But it's a vicious circle, isn't it? If she continually treats a 20yr old man as a 12yr old he won't ever become more mature and independent. Telling him who he can be with, where, and when isn't "guidance". It's control.

I don't really know the answer OP but if he's asked your son for help I would either consider arranging for for him to move in with you (huge undertaking) or, more likely, try and contact adult social services.

MissMarplesbag · 05/01/2023 07:54

Get in touch with MENCAP in your local area, it sounds like he has undiagnosed additional needs. If so, then they can advise on next steps.

RavenclawsPrincess · 05/01/2023 08:02

Cherry35 · 05/01/2023 02:36

Maybe mother and son could attend counselling together so the counsellor mediates on how controlling your friend is.

I think that her overprotection comes from a place of love due to his bullying.

No way would I allow anyone into a counselling session that my client had told me was abusing them and making them feel suicidal. That’s gone way beyond family therapy into safeguarding territory.

Hopeandmoss · 05/01/2023 08:02

Contact your local adult social services for advice as they will be able to support him independently and legally. Ideally you need his consent for this however as you suspect that he is in an abusive situation you don’t need it to report it. The other option would be to either take him to his gp surgery without his mother or contact them yourself to say you have a safeguarding concern about him and would like to discuss it. Make sure that you have support for yourself from someone not directly involved in the situation (a real person not a forum) even if you have to reach out to someone like Samaritans as you will need someone to be a sounding board and a hand holder. Hope it goes well.

ShakespearesBlister · 05/01/2023 08:10

Are you able to invite him to yours more often to try and get a bit of space between them while you learn more from him and try to find a way forward?

Eastereggsboxedupready · 05/01/2023 08:14

Ring the local council.. They have a vulnerable adults team.