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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

TTC alone?

26 replies

SingleSnickers · 04/01/2023 21:05

I am 38 own house no mortgage,
Own car, reasonable Wfh job.
Small business done evenings and nights!

Relationship ending with partner who lied to me for 2 years saying wanted 1 more child - had 3 Already of his own, and said wants one more with me, went had vasectomy behind my back- ended relationship 4 months down line - I am not getting younger!

Mum is 62 supportive
And got 3/4 friends who are also supportive

Where do I start? Has anyone else done it as a single mum?

YABU - yea your mad to do it alone
YANBU Life too short go for it

OP posts:
BabyOnBoard90 · 04/01/2023 21:10

I dunno, babies / children, IMO, quickly show you why it takes two to make them.

That said there are many involuntarily single mothers, as was the case for my own mother when father passed (youngest sibling was less than 2 years).

So I suppose where there's a will there's a way. With enough drive and planning, and support you can make it work.

babynoname22 · 04/01/2023 21:11

My friend did ivf as a single mother. Had/has LOTS of support from her mum who is almost a second parent. Well practically is actually. I don't think she could have done it without her mum

overthinkingornot · 04/01/2023 21:12

You will be able to go IVF with a sperm donor - if you look up your local clinic, it should explain the process to you. We are currently awaiting our first IVF appointment but know they offer it for solo mums

parrotonthesofa · 04/01/2023 21:13

Yanbu go for it!

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 04/01/2023 21:13

YANBU - I think in your shoes I’d consider the same. It’ll be hard for sure. I think I’d want to talk to those who will be your support to find out how much they could actually support if you did have a baby (especially in the first year).

However I’ve no idea how you go about doing it on your own. Hopefully someone else will be along with advice. I assume maybe finding a sperm donation or linking with a male friend who also wants a child and who you could co-parent with.

pebblesandsunshine · 04/01/2023 21:14

'Livs Alone' on instagram has written a book about using a donor - might be a good place to look for advice etc

SnackSizeRaisin · 04/01/2023 21:18

I don't really think it's right to intentionally deprive a child of their father. I know that happens unintentionally often enough, but to do it deliberately just seems really selfish to me.
In cases where a father leaves or dies, hopefully there's still some contact with family on his side or at least someone who can tell the child about him.
A person needs to know where they come from and may well be resentful as they get older.

I also think it would be really lonely on your own. Stuck at home every evening on your own etc. Unless you actually live with your mum or she's right next door, it will be quite isolating.

You could freeze eggs to buy yourself some time?

user6278908823 · 04/01/2023 21:19

It’s an incredibly brave thing to do and I would salute you for doing it. I would be devastated had I not had children so can only imagine how you must be feeling. I don’t think it is a silly thing to do at all.

I know somebody who did this and she doesn’t regret it one bit and is very happy she did.

Hatscats · 04/01/2023 21:22

Go for it!

SuperHandss · 04/01/2023 21:32

YANBU - I was going down the same route at 36 then unexpectedly met my OH.

The Stork & I podcast is extremely useful & morale boosting!

SuperHandss · 04/01/2023 21:34

pebblesandsunshine · 04/01/2023 21:14

'Livs Alone' on instagram has written a book about using a donor - might be a good place to look for advice etc

Good shout. Her book is fab.

BedfordBloo · 04/01/2023 21:37

BabyOnBoard90 · 04/01/2023 21:10

I dunno, babies / children, IMO, quickly show you why it takes two to make them.

That said there are many involuntarily single mothers, as was the case for my own mother when father passed (youngest sibling was less than 2 years).

So I suppose where there's a will there's a way. With enough drive and planning, and support you can make it work.

babies / children, IMO, quickly show you why it takes two to make them

I disagree. I think they show you have awful it is that it only takes two to make them because it should take a team of at least 15.

FromTheFront2theBack · 04/01/2023 21:38

There's a youtuber (precious stars vlogs) who is currently pregnant as a single mother who did a four part series starting detailing how she went about conceiving. She sounds like she's in a similiar situation to you. She's still pregnant so obviously no help about when the baby's here but it might be helpful.

BabyOnBoard90 · 04/01/2023 21:43

BedfordBloo · 04/01/2023 21:37

babies / children, IMO, quickly show you why it takes two to make them

I disagree. I think they show you have awful it is that it only takes two to make them because it should take a team of at least 15.

Show quote history

I actually have to agree with you

Simonjt · 04/01/2023 21:49

I did it, but with adoption, it was fine, there are lots of people who intentionally became lone parents, if you’re in a larger area you may find there is a fairly local support group.

ThirtyThreeTrees · 04/01/2023 21:52

I know 2 women who have done this and they were both absolutely convinced it was the right decision for them. One has huge financial support and the other has alot of family support, those factors helped them both when making their decision.

I have other childless friends who considered it and would love a child but didn't think it was right for them.

Only you can decided but in my humble opinion, a child should be wanted, loved, safe and secure. The make up of their family is really irrelevant once those things are in place.

Good luck whatever your decision.

dolor · 04/01/2023 22:02

I wouldn't have more kids in this climate. By climate I mean everything.

FoxtrotSkarloey · 04/01/2023 22:18

Does 'supportive' mum mean willing, able and have the time to actually come round and help out frequently?

In your shoes, I would go for it as long as I had people 100% willing to help with the hard graft and/or the funds to buy in help.

I have a DH but we're both exhausted with how demanding our kids are. We don't have family close by, no way I could, do it alone.

VestaTilley · 04/01/2023 22:20

YABU. Motherhood is incredibly hard- I wouldn’t enter it alone voluntarily.

BusyMum47 · 04/01/2023 23:36

@SingleSnickers

Good for you - go for it! I'm sure it's not a decision you've taken lightly & as long as your child is wanted & loved and you have a support network around you, you'll both be absolutely fine!

I completely understand where you're coming from. It was most definitely on my mind as I entered my 30s, single & childless. As luck would have it, I met my now husband shortly afterwards & we now have a hulking great teenager(!) but I was fully prepared to go down that road alone if necessary.

Good luck! X

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/01/2023 00:57

As many women, I cant think of two right now, on MN will tell you, you can plan a baby with a partner, get pregnant and still end up alone before the birth.

Ime (having been a single mother not through choice, and having babies within my marriage) planning and preparing to go it alone from day one is far better than thinking you are doing with a partner who then fucks off without so much as a backwards glance.

Donors now have to provide information and be willing to be contacted if the child wants to contact them them later (which is why there is a paucity of donors now) so the "depriving the child of a father" argument doesnt really stack up.

Go for it. Good luck!

RobertaFirmino · 05/01/2023 01:40

Maybe look into the possibility of the turkey baster route with a trustworthy gay man first, at least then you'd have additional support.

jeaux90 · 05/01/2023 06:59

I'm a lone parent. I have a good career etc

Honestly if you have a decent support network/can afford childcare etc then go for it.

Judging by many posts on MN being a lone parent is a lot easier than having a shit DP/DH.

Whilst it was a little lonely at times when my DD13 was a baby, it's a short phase. I have no regrets, my life is relatively straightforward.

Fairyliz · 05/01/2023 07:04

How utterly selfish so it’s all about what you want, not what is best for your child.
Yes some children end up with just one parent but no one surely thinks that is something to aim for?

ffsagain123 · 05/01/2023 07:19

@Fairyliz What about the children who have no parents as they are born into this world from drug addicts and alcoholics who don't care and neglect the child? That are shifted around foster care, from family to family. If a lone parent was to adopt said child would you still have the same view.

For some people being a parent is all they want in life, if the child is loved and has many loving family members then it's a whole lot better than the above. Ideally a child would have two loving parents but regardless of situation sometimes life doesn't turn out like that. Clearly she is deeply thinking about it,having come for advice on here.

OP ultimately it is your decision, you will fully need support though that can be there whenever you need it as babies are hard work and that's with a good one. Good luck on whatever you choose is best for you.

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