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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find colleague a bit irritating

36 replies

Aceofbase00 · 04/01/2023 17:46

It's in a care home role, I was here for a year, left and I started back recently. There's a man here who's since started as a carer, he seemed pleasant and welcoming.
He knows I used to work here and and have had other care experience.
Anyway most residents are no longer here sadly, but a couple are. I'm getting to know the new ones.
He's taken upon himself to be some sort of mentor, which is good and bad. It's a bit irritating as he keeps saying "you're new, you're a learner, you're new."
Keeps telling me, 'right we're going to do xyz', and it's always 'no that's not like that, no wait I'll do it, no that's wrong, no let me show you."
Just constant little corrections.
Stating the obvious, "Make sure you're gentle with her, make sure you don't do it too quickly."
He even told me to get some fresh air and said 'because fresh air is good for you you know'.
I reminded him earlier that I've already worked here and done this job before.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aceofbase00 · 04/01/2023 17:47

I mean I'm trying to be assertive and remind him I'm capable but that I appreciate his help.
No other colleague is being like this.

OP posts:
Ludo19 · 04/01/2023 17:51

Unfortunately you'll always get one who'd put tits on a snake.
Just keep being assertive.

FictionalCharacter · 04/01/2023 18:12

You’ll have to be much much more assertive if you don’t want him to treat you as his trainee indefinitely. If you’re not doing something wrong don’t let him tell you are and take over. “I don’t need you to do that John, I’m getting it done”. “Yes I know how to do it John”. Don’t thank him or smile.
However polite you are he’ll probably be annoyed because he wants to be entitled to boss you about. But that’s his problem.

Original poster
Aceofbase00 · 04/01/2023 18:21

I tried to do that and then he was like 'are you ok?'
The good news is I'm moving up to senior soon so he won't be able to! Ha

OP posts:
saturnisturning · 04/01/2023 18:40

Ludo19 · 04/01/2023 17:51

Unfortunately you'll always get one who'd put tits on a snake.
Just keep being assertive.

I have no idea what this means but i love it

Herroyal · 04/01/2023 18:42

‘Unfortunately you'll always get one who'd put tits on a snake.’

???? what does THAT mean!

GrumpyPanda · 04/01/2023 18:44

The word does get overused but this sounds like a classical case of mansplaining to me. Suspect gentle mockery is the best way to go here- thanks, dear, so kind of you, dear. Roll your eyes while speaking.

Fraine · 04/01/2023 18:46

Maybe he has seen abuse of patients by carers and is being extra careful?

Trigger Warning: video contains very upsetting footage of an elderly dementia patient being abused Sad Angry

StickofVeg · 04/01/2023 19:05

I think you need to carry on being assertive and gently correcting him. "Yes, I've looked after X before" "I used to work here" "I am an experienced carer". If he continues I think I'd ask "Why are you worried, I have good experience and I'm always careful/gentle?" If it continues beyond a couple of more weeks I think I'd have a chat with the shift lead/manager and tell them and ask them to reassure him to see if he can stop.

Ludo19 · 04/01/2023 19:07

@saturnisturning and @Herroyal

It's a term frequently used if someone is being tiresome don't know if its just a Scottish thing!

We aso say "as much use as tits on a fish" for a useless character.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 04/01/2023 19:09

Herroyal · 04/01/2023 18:42

‘Unfortunately you'll always get one who'd put tits on a snake.’

???? what does THAT mean!

I wondered that too! But I love the sound of it!

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 04/01/2023 19:10

Ludo19 · 04/01/2023 19:07

@saturnisturning and @Herroyal

It's a term frequently used if someone is being tiresome don't know if its just a Scottish thing!

We aso say "as much use as tits on a fish" for a useless character.

I'm making it my mission this week to use both phrases as much as possible

Ludo19 · 04/01/2023 19:10

@dexterslockedintheshedagain I use it frequently as there's many people who test my patience 😊

Ludo19 · 04/01/2023 19:11

@dexterslockedintheshedagain and then laugh at all the puzzled expressions 😉

TwitchyJerk · 04/01/2023 20:23

Argh, I work in care too and have had long times off work due to injuries.... I hate going back and all the new staff think I'm new! And treat me like an idiot, so I understand your frustration!

What is the answer?!? I don't know! Eye rolling and ignore them I guess.

ILoveeCakes · 04/01/2023 20:26

Are you doing things wrong though? Due to being out of the workplace for a while?

I might check that before biting his head off or trying to take off the tits he put on the snake, or whatever people are saying

Original poster
Aceofbase00 · 04/01/2023 20:49

No i don't think so, well I mean he's totally right to tell me any particular info I might want to know about people. But the role hasn't changed and I remember what I used to do. Telling me stuff like go and get fresh air because it's good for you ..

OP posts:
Keyansier · 04/01/2023 20:52

Anyone thinking of googling tits on a snake I wouldn't recommend it...

I've never heard of the expression before! Does it mean 'trying to play God?'

Judgyjudgy · 04/01/2023 20:56

Aw gawd. I had a patronising male colleague like this (although he was much older). I'd actually just tell him nicely, thanks I do realise you're trying to be helpful but you're coming across quite patronising

Greensleevevssnotnose · 04/01/2023 20:58

Keyansier · 04/01/2023 20:52

Anyone thinking of googling tits on a snake I wouldn't recommend it...

I've never heard of the expression before! Does it mean 'trying to play God?'

No it just means doing or saying unnecessary stuff. Ok be careful, when you already are I think

Original poster
Aceofbase00 · 04/01/2023 21:23

He's just told me "I can see that you're learning, so that's good. But when I started, I was like you, rushing about, trying to do things quickly. What you need to know about this job is that you don't need to rush, you need to calm down."
Also told me yet again what we do at night even though I've been here the last several nights.
I just told him yet again, don't worry , i know what I'm doing, I've worked here before.
He can fuck right off, i am sick of him.

OP posts:
toucaninjapan · 04/01/2023 22:25

"Thank you for mansplaining this to me, <colleague name>, what could I have done without you. Maybe you could explain to me how to drink from a cup next time, since you enjoy explaining obvious things so much lol".
Be very obvious that you don't like his ways.

My DH is not this terribly patronizing, but he also has a bad habit of giving people piece of advice they weren't asking for (he fell out with some people for this reason) or explaining how to do simple things because he thinks his way of washing the bottles before throwing them away is 1 sec more time-efficient than my way of washing said bottles. 😂Thankfully he doesn't say things like "hey fresh air is good for you, did you know that", that's some next level.😂
Being nice and silently clenching your teeth won't help, I think you need to brush away all the unnecessary advice in a way that the colleague might find slightly offending the first time, because he obviously doesn't realize how irritating this all sounds. I don't think he means to sound this patronizing, from what you've told I got a feeling that it's his way of being kind, so if you make it extremely clear that you want him to stop, he would probably stop (with time). Otherwise he's just an ordinary arsehole and it's a totally different story.
Please tell us how it goes, OP.😊

Original poster
Aceofbase00 · 05/01/2023 08:48

He makes jokes to the residents which they do not find funny at all, one of them told me they're sick of it. For instance there's a resident who struggles to stand up without support and he said loudly to her, "Well Margaret, I really think you need to start doing more exercise!"
She pretty much waved her fist at him and asked him how he would feel in her position.

OP posts:
OriginalUsername2 · 05/01/2023 08:52

Ludo19 · 04/01/2023 17:51

Unfortunately you'll always get one who'd put tits on a snake.
Just keep being assertive.

What does this mean?! I’m intrigued 😆

JudgeRudy · 05/01/2023 08:57

Oh dear I shouldn't smile but this is a perfect example of mansplaining!
If you don't want confrontation could you turn it his behavior into a bit of a joke? I worked with someone who constantly referred back to her former job....all, 'well at X we did Y. Oh when I worked at X...'. She sounded like a reminising veteran so each time she did this we started saying 'when I was in Nam'..She soon git the message. I bet its in his nature and he does it to others too. Get some allies and just say 'Yes Sir' and salute...then smile and continue with Maggies toileting