Distancing myself from family - AIBU?

[WhatinTheJeremyKyle]

Hello all

I wont go into full details as my post could get quite long.

I have been with my husband for 14 years, married for 5. In January 2022, I shared concerns with my mum and sister that we werent right for each other and that we dont seem to get on anymore. My mum offered support and my sister basically told me that I was not putting in enough effort. I didnt like her response, I thought it was very ill-informed. So I decided I wouldn't tell her anything, ever again.

Come April / May, I met a lovely man, I am ashamed to say this but I started an emotional affair. In September, I then told my husband that I wasnt happy. I said that we needed space. He got really defensive and was not very pleasant.

During all of this time, I told my mum everything, start / middle / end and kept her informed of all details as I needed support. My husband and I decided we would split mid-Nov and I then spent some time with this other guy, as me and my husband hadn't slept together in over a year, we would barely talk to each other.. we were basically like housemates that didn't get on.

During this time, me and other man went away for the weekend and the following day, I met up with my mum and sister for dinner. Too much drink was had, and my sister kept asking me questions and not believing my answers - silly things like, what are you upto this week.. when I told her christmas shopping, she refused to believe me and accused me of being secretive and not telling her what was going on. I then blurted that I have started seeing the other man, we spent the weekend together and that I like him very much.

She then demanded why me and husband hadnt legally seperated, I said it was too close to christmas and I had to think about my finances. She then turned nasty. Called me; disgusting, a slut, money grabbing, etc. etc. My mum, who told everything too - including the weekend away, sat in silence, I asked her if she was going to say anything and she said "well, what do you expect, i dont even know what is going on" - this shocked me, as I told her alot and she acted that I didnt. I then decided to leave as I was crying and I had enough of my sister shouting at me. I went to the loo first and bumped into my mum who asked what was wrong, I asked if she was being serious after what had just happened and she said "this has nothing to do with your sister, you just feel sad because of what youve done". They both then told my dad all of my business - he didnt know anything about my marriage breaking down or this new guy, and then they both gave me an ultimatum to tell my husband the full truth or they would.

The next day, mum and sister couldnt remember a word.. they were too drunk. Since that night, there have been many apologies and tears. I did meet with them before Christmas and my sister asked what was going on with hubby and new guy. I told her husband had been back staying in the house, as we wanted to talk and spend time together, but I know that its really over, that we both cant accept that and I want to know for certain if it is the right thing to do after all these years togther. My mum then got annoyed and asked why I was entertaining this and declared that she wouldnt be spending Christmas with my husband - I never even mentioned Christmas. I then told her to keep out of my business.

The next day, my dad called up and asked if my husband would be there at Christmas as he didnt know if he should buy a gift, I said he wouldnt be as we are over - my dad then said "why not?! shoudnt you try and work at your marriage". Then on Christmas day, he sat and pointed out things he can fix / change in my house while asking when I wanted him to decorate again - this really pissed me off, as there is a very, very high chance the house will be sold - they all know this!

I decided at that point that I wanted to take a step back from my family - that I wasnt actually getting upset at my marriage ending, I was getting upset with them. Constantly judging, opinionated etc. So I have, after Christmas day, I simply replied back to message when I was contacted, thats all.

Last night my sister asked if she could call for a chat - this literally never happens - she assured me, after I asked, that it had nothing to do with my husband. We spoke. She started saying that she is worried for me as I have been very quiet and "strange" with money. I said I was thinking about my finances as I was moving from 2 person income to 1 income, so I had to think about this and that is why I have been careful with money. She then said that she knew nothing about this new guy and that I have isolated myself by not talking to anyone. I then told her I was distancing myself from my family because they have hurt me and since doing so, I have been soo happy. She then started shouting at me and telling me I am selfish and distancing myself is a really horrible thing to do. SHe told me our mum and dad dont know what to say to me as I get so defensive.She said I am going through a huge life event and that I need people around me. I told her I had colleageus and friends that have not once judged or been nasty. SHe then started crying, as did I.

She then texted saying she was always here for me and she is sorry for upsetting me. There have been a few texts since but I have been really wound up since. I have been annoyed, irrtated and angry since our phone call.

She keeps telling me I am not reflecting on my actions and I am hurting other people. Yes, I regret starting something with this other man but my marriage has now ended. I dont know what they all want me to do. Why does my family need to know every detail of my life, and when I dont give them this, or am quiet, I am being secretive.. what business is it of theirs!

Sorry for the long post.

Please can you give opinions or am I being unreasonable?

Also, I havent isolated myself. I am meeting and chatting with friends, I am meeting with my personal trainer and going to the gym every few days. I have told some colleageus my situation.

I have only stepped back from my family.

They are being unreasonable. Has your sister apologised for the insults? How does she expect you to still talk to her then? Even if she apologised, she should understand now you need some space. You’ll talk to them when you”re ready.

they are only making you upset, and you’re going through a stressful time.

tell them you need time and space to go through this big change and you’ll reach out when and if you need them. If they can’t respect that, tell them it’s on them.

You live this life only once, ignore people that a trying to pull you down, no one is perfect. Some of these people are happy trying to make people feel like shit on the Internet. If not being in contact with family makes you happy, go with it. We have no choice who our family are, but we have the choice to be happy and not made to live feeling guilty.

I think your user name sums it all up really. Sounds exhausting. Perhaps stop all the drunken conversations with your family, give everyone some space while you get things sorted and don't just jump straight into another relationship.

It is never a good idea to tell someone everything as you have to your Mam.

The sort of unconditional support you wanted is reserved for issues such as illness, when it's an affair you will be judged by most people, even your parents.

I told my mum as she had an affair years ago and I wanted advice not for someone to just agree with me.

Seems to me that you are the one who started the ball rolling by 'oversharing' with your mum. It's one thing to seek support when a marriage breaks down. It's another thing to confide an affair (of any kind) to someone who has an emotional connection to the person being wronged (ie your husband). That was a big mistake. Then it appears that your sister started inquiring about your whereabouts/activities, which leads me to suspect that your mum told her what was going on, or at the least added to any info you'd already told your sister. Then they both blabbed to your dad. So I find 'fault' on all three sides for that. You for oversharing, your mum and sis for not keeping your confidence.

If you feel it necessary to back away from your family until you get your new life on track, then that is what you need to tell them. Don't bring up past behaviour or their blabbing/talking behind your back or anything about the OM and your past behaviour. Don't make a big 'thing' of it. Simply say "Mum/Sis, I'm trying to get my life together and figure out where I go from here. To do this I need time to myself to really concentrate on my own thoughts and learning about what went wrong in my marriage, how STBX and I can divorce amicably, and where I want my life to go from here. So if I'm quiet or distant it has nothing to do with your behaviour or actions. I just need solitude to figure things out. Please respect that".

Then do what you need to do taking the time that you need to do it.

I've seen it time and again, people who have cheated in the past are often the most intolerant of people who cheat. Never confide your own cheating to a cheater.

The only person I wanted to confide in was my mum.

I just dont like all the constant questions from everyone else now.

I dont like how after THEY told my dad then questioned why I never told him, that I put everyone in an awkward situation.

I hate how they dont understand that I have been quiet / funny with money because I am going through a seperation.

I hate how they are taking it all so personal. I hate how they are all so worried about me but no one thought to actually ask how I am, it was just "youre being weird, youre being strange with money, we know nothing about new man".

I never asked for any opinions, for them to tell me what I done was right. I only spoken to my mum for support. My mum would then keep in touch with me almost everyday enquiring about updates, so I wasnt in constant contact with everyone, telling them everything.

You did share too much with your mother. Also you can’t expect people not to be judgemental when you tell them you’ve been having an affair while married to your husband.

My bad, your OP said he was living with you still and was still talking with you.

I think it's nice that your family were concerned for your husband.
He is family too now and the injured party by ways of the affair, they didn't want to take sides and then you get back together in 5 minutes and then they feel awkward with him.

They think you're being unethical and are probably worried you're chucking away your marriage on a fling.

Your mum doesn't want to know you're essentially having an affair on a man she's known and (presumably) liked for 14 years? I know I wouldn't. I'd feel sad that lots is about to change (impacting them and you) and likely get very messy.

You wanted support, in your affair? I mean, you said your separation wasn't causing you pain, so what did you want support with? A little gossip about being with another man before ending your 14 year relationship? It just comes across as disrespectful. How would you feel if your sister in law knew more about your marriage ending than you did?

I think you need to take a step back really think about how you've handled this. To me, it sounds like you think it's a family's job to support you regardless of what you're doing. And sadly, that isn't realistic.

I think you should have been concentrating more on your communication with your husband than you have on that with your mum and sister.

This is the crux of your issue. In all of this shit show, the only person you've really considered, is you.

What you needed and wanted. You didn't care about your husband, your mum or family. To expect your mum to keep secrets from her husband is totally unfair and the fact you don't understand this speaks volumes.

You show their relationship a lack of respect, just like you did your own.

Sorry my post was a bit jumbled.
He moved back in for 2 days in December. We didnt share beds, and we didnt spend much time together.

For reference.
My mum and dad are not together.
My sister doesnt live with my dad.

He agreed to pick them up after this nightout and they told him everything then.

I was looking for support that my life is going to drastically change in the next weeks/months in terms of moving houses and my finance situation changing.

I am not looking for support with my husband - thats over or for the other man - I have told family I dont want to speak about this.

So yes, I am looking for support for the big changes about to occur in my life and it would be nice to be asked how I am doing every once in a while without judgement.

Also, I didnt tell my mum I was having an affair. I called her up and asked for advice because I wasnt happy, as per conversation in January. I only had this conversation with her as a) shes my mum, b) she has been telling me for so long that I seem happy and she doesnt think me and my husband suit.

It was only after speaking a couple of times she asked me if there is anyone else on my mind and to be truthful with her, so I said that I liked someone else.

I am sorry if I am being defensive and/or rude in my posts but I feel hurt that my family have acted in this way. I wanted to sit my dad and sister down and tell them both what was happening and that my marriage is ending. I only told my sister the way I did because she asked my plans for the following week and started calling me a liar when I said I was going christmas shopping - I think that is bizzare behaviour! She also asked if I was going out for drinks after dinner. I said no, that I was going to home for my dog that I am now soley looking after! She got angry and said I have no time for her anymore. She then called me a stranger and that she doesnt know anything about my life as I wont tell her. So I did Yes, in a drunken way but I told her. Being called a slut, disgusting, and a money grabber (this was said because I told her I cant move out until our house is sold as I dont have money to rent or buy as all my money is tied up in our house!!), I think it utterly unacceptable.

All of my friends/colleagues that know the situation havent once judged or called me names, or shamed me. They havent agreed with me, nor have the disagreed, they have offered support.

I am suprised by the reaction that I am in the wrong and I should be expected to tell my family every detail of my life. To me that is overstepping boundaries and toxic.

What I dont understand is my sister could disapear and not message anyone back for a day and then text the following day no problem, whenever I have done this, my family demand to know where I have been/what I have been upto, why am I ignoring them, its bloody weird.

Don't make out like you have no fault in this situation with your family. You were wrong (and foolish) to tell your mum about your affair. You could have just said "DH and I are splitting up, we haven't been happy in years". Your mum was wrong to tell your sister anything. Your sister was wrong to harangue you about 'acting weird'. Your dad was wrong to stick his nose in, too. OK, everybody was wrong, wrong, wrong. Now just get over it, tell them to MYOB and that you're done confiding because they aren't respecting your confidences and are being judgmental. But quit acting like you had no part in the whole mess. And next time you think you need to confide, just remember what happened this time and find someone else to confide in.

Sounds to me as if your family is just plain too involved in each other's lives because none of you has any boundaries. Does my family share? Yes. Does my family seek support from each other? Yes. But we know and understand that each of us can set our own boundaries and that one of them is that we'd never dream of sharing something confided in us to another family member, especially when it comes to marital troubles. Our motto could be "Sit, listen, advise, and then shut the hell up".

My fault in all of this is confiding in my mum. Something that no child should bloody say. I'd like to think if I have any children that they will tell me anything.
Its for telling her I liked someone else when she asked if there was anyone else.
Maybe I should have just lied and said no and kept it that way.
Perhaps when my sister was calling me a stranger and that she doesnt know me that I should have just went home.

Your mum and sister sound like gossipy busy bodies who treat your life situations as gossip fodder.

You need to stop telling them anything except fluffy stuff like work, shopping etc.

Your sister calling you a slut reveals her true mentality. She doesn’t care about you. And your mum not defending you makes her weak.

Yes, you should have lied. And yes, you should have just went home. You've allowed yourself to be put in a position of being 'answerable' to your mum and sister. Apparently, since you say your sister doesn't get the same pressure, your sister has NOT put herself in the same position. Now you're having to row upstream to try and change the dynamics of both those relationships.

My sons are grown and gone and I would never assume that they would tell me 'everything'. There are probably some things that, in honesty, I wouldn't want to know. They know I'm here if they want to tell me, but I respect that they may choose to confide elsewhere.

You need to redefine your relationship with your family, but it's going to be hard going, that's for sure.

I know. I have allowed myself to be in that situation. I have beenm trying to change that over the last few weeks by distancing myself. Thats not to say I am ignoring them, absoultely not, but when my sister or dad has asked "whats going on" I've simply replied "I dont want to talk about it".

But by doing that I am told I am selfish as they are all worried. I honestly cannot win.

That's how I feel, that I am "answerable" I guess all my ranting and defensive of my post and updates have been to say that, really.

They’re not worried. They’re after fresh fodder for gossip.

No one who can you call you slut (your sister) or watch you get slutshamed and stay silent (your mum) care about you,

They don’t sound worried about you, but worried about you having your own life that doesn’t fit in with what they’re used to?

Previous posters are piling on due to the emotional affair. It sounds like neither of you have been happy for a while and separating is the best thing. I would think poorly of anyone using the term slut to describe another woman. No wonder you don't trust her as much anymore.

Your family sound a bit toxic really and I'd keep them at arms length. If you want to keep them in your life then I'd keep it bright and breezy from now on. If they ask tell them you're happy and doing great thanks. Don't divulge much else. If your sister starts attacking you again about where you are or what presents your boyfriend got you, just say, why are you so interested? with a tinkly laugh then change the subject. Reassure them that you're doing fine and they don't have to worry.

If they don't back off after that then maybe rethink if you want to reduce contact further or even cut them off.