Dp is selfish

[Seasider2017]

So my ds as come back home recently until he can save some money again to put down on house/flat (which is fine by us)
ds is NOT dp son
we are both retired

Ds goes to bed around 10-10.30pm as he’s up at 6am.
Dp thinks it’s ok to start going in wardrobe and drawers and walking in a bed with NO carpet & squeaky floorboards at 11-11.30pm

Tonight I said don’t be banging about to which I got
” I won’t breathe then”

when ds was younger and dp was going to work he always used to say
”tell …… I’m going to bed, so tell him to be quite”

AIBU in mentioning to dp to be quieter when we go to bed later ?
I think this is selfish?

Your partner is going into the bedroom your son is sleeping in? While your son is asleep?

Nope once someone in the house goes to bed everyone has to keep the noise down

No not ds bedroom but empty bedroom No carpet and squeaky floorboards, then crossing landing to the bathroom

Surely it's just good manners isn't it?
Your DP should be keeping the noise down once your DS has gone to bed - he'd expect the same if it was the other way round....

Your DP is being unreasonable. My DH has grown up with a stepdad (dad died 1983) and both treat the other as family and would be quiet when required. DH works night shift. How long has your DP been a stepdad?

Can see both sides its also your dp house and surely you don't have to creep around when an adult is in bed

I think more context is needed. WHY is he going into the noisy room? Does he need the things he's getting? Pajamas to sleep? Or clothes for the morning (before ds leaves?) if he's getting his clothes for tomorrow, that he won't need until after ds is gone- why? Have you asked him? Obviously his "I won't breathe then!!!" Is exaggerated hyperbole. But is he being asked not to do reasonable things because of the houseguest you have ? (And your ds to him is the same as your mil to you!!)

It’s a bit like those neighbour noise threads. Yes, in an ideal world we would all be free to do whatever we want at any time, but the reality - particularly given the very poor quality of sound insulation in most U.K. houses and flats - is that we have to be considerate of others. I live in one such house and am very mindful of being quiet if others have gone to sleep.

Another thought occurred- has your ds complained? Or are you stepping in on his behalf without knowing if he actually cares? If so then are you creating problems between these two men that aren't there? If ds is fine with it and dh is fine with it- don't rock the boat.

If DS is coming back to the house surely he has to deal with DP's habits, not the other way round?

Did he keep his promise not to breathe?

I'm with DP - he should be allowed to move around his house doing what he wants within reason - 11pm isn't late and it's not like he's using power tools or something really loud. It's also not like your son is a newborn baby - he's a grown adult who is going to bed unusually early and will probably sleep through the noise but if not can buy earplugs, especially as it's not his house.

Your DP should be trying to minimize disturbance, because it’s just polite not to wake someone who’s trying to sleep if you can reasonably avoid it. But at the same time, it’s ridiculous that he can’t go into another room at 11 at night because your floor is “squeaky”. Move the wardrobes to the other wall, nail down the floor boards and put some carpet or rugs down FGS.

If he's going into the other room just to make noise then he's welcome to stop breathing.

If he has to go there to get something he needs for bed, he should still try to be quiet, maybe even get the thing earlier. Or as suggested, move the furniture he goes to every evening, put down a rug, etc.

Do you suspect he's being passive aggressive about your son moving back in - this is his immature little way of kicking up a fuss about it?

So he is going into the spare bedroom to go through drawers and a wardrobe? What reason does he give for wanting to go through things in the spare bedroom? To me he could do that during the day because I don't see why he would actually need to do this. Why not just go straight into his own room?

I don’t think your husband should be practising his trumpet, but I think it is a bit much to tell somebody they should be tiptoeing around their own home after 10pm because the adult that is living there yo save money has gone to bed early.

It sounds like previously he would demand total silence when he was in bed, but won't give the same to your son? And its the hypocrisy that's passing you off? Is it thoughtlessness or malicious? Does he want your son there - is this a passive aggressive "make his life miserable so he moves out quickly?"

Is this the only thing he does?

Walking around your own house at night is not unreasonable. DS is an adult, does he really need absolute silence to sleep?

If he was practicing his drums, tap dancing, hammering or even blasting the TV then that's not ok. But walking barefoot in his own home..

YABU.

Was DS banned from walking around the home when he was younger? If DH was controlling to DS as a child then that's shitty behaviour and I can see why this would bring up residual anger for you.

But people can walk in their own homes after 10:30.

Why is he ferreting around in drawers and wardrobes at that hour?

Is he doing it regularly?

Is he making noise on purpose?

Is he just getting ready for bed himself? Yabu really; a bit of a squeaky floorboard probably doesn’t bother your ds- it’s not like he’s playing loud music