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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I go to DD10’s concert or not?

19 replies

Balloonsandroses · 03/01/2023 23:02

DD 10 is in the young voices concert tomorrow… these are concerts of 5-8000 kids performing in a massive arena. She’s really looking forward to it. I’m struggling with whether or not to go - currently off work with severe depression (still getting crisis team input) and just so exhausted all the time. The concert is 90 miles away, the closest we can park is a mile away from the venue and it’s likely we’d be out till midnight. Tickets already bought at a cost of £25 each so the money is spent regardless I’m finding it really hard to face the thought of going. BUT I’m also really aware that I haven’t been parenting especially well recently - I’ve been struggling to interact with the kids properly, not doing enough etc etc and I want to do better for them rather than worse. DH has suggested I stay at
home but I’m worried that’s letting her down. Whether I go or not he’ll be there with her nana so she will have someone watching. She says she’d like me to go but not if I’m not well enough (bless her, she is a lovely girl). Also have an older DD 16 who was never going and would quite like it if I was at home with her. So… AIBU to back out of going now just because I’m tired?

OP posts:

TimeForTeaAndG · 03/01/2023 23:05

You're not just tired though, you're in a depressive episode and are not well.

I was ready to say of course you should go, she's your daughter but if she has her dad and nana there and fully understands this isn't something you're just choosing not to do then I would stay home. Will the concert be filmed and you could watch it with her later?

TimeForTeaAndG · 03/01/2023 23:06

Also, why is the other DD not going? Could she go on your ticket?

Eastereggsboxedupready · 03/01/2023 23:08

Imo the next day you will still be tired but will have guilt to deal with also...

watchfulwishes · 03/01/2023 23:08

What would you want your DD to do in your shoes? I'd want my child to care for themselves. Make her a special card to open when she gets home and tell her you are extremely proud of her. There is more than one way to make her feel special. Her dad is going to be watching.

I hope you feel better soon.

Ponoka7 · 03/01/2023 23:09

Is it your Mum or his that's going? I'd be concerned that he's happy for you to be cut out. You should do your best to go. It's stuff like this that she will remember you not doing.

Original poster

Balloonsandroses · 03/01/2023 23:10

@TimeForTeaAndG that’s a really good idea. Just checked and you can buy the video for £12.99 so maybe that would be a good compromise and then she’d still know I really care about it.

other dd has gcse mocks at the moment and wants to stay at home and study (and actually is studying!) so wouldn’t want the ticket.. no other relatives. But we could maybe get school to email round and see if any other families can use a spare ticket, might be nice for someone?

OP posts:

watchfulwishes · 03/01/2023 23:11

Forcing yourself to do things when depressed is deeply unhealthy and guilt-tripping others is toxic.

CrapBucket · 03/01/2023 23:12

These concerts are SO huge that not going is less of an issue than something in a small venue where she would see you or your absence from the stage.

I say stay at home and rest but get your DH and mum/Mil to facetime you before it starts so you can see what its like and get a screenshot to show your DD later.

Kanaloa · 03/01/2023 23:14

I would try to go. But if you feel like you can’t I would be upfront with her and explain that you’re too unwell to attend but you are so looking forward to watching the video and seeing her perform.

Original poster

Balloonsandroses · 03/01/2023 23:14

@Ponoka7 it’s his mum that’s going which is good (mine is an alcoholic narcissist nightmare!). I think he genuinely means it supportively - he has been great through this episode of depression, for example spent weeks working from home so I can avoid hospital admission, been up in the night keeping me company more times than I can count etc etc. And other times I’ve been to stuff he couldn’t go to because of work like her playing the piano for a school church service. But I know what you mean. These things are important to kids… hence my dilemma. Just wish it was a bit closer eg something at school!

OP posts:

BeautifulDragon · 03/01/2023 23:16

You won't be able to see your DD, not she you.

I didn't go and watch my 9yo last year, DH said I didn't miss anything.

She has her Nana there, she'll be fine.

Rest.

Puffykins · 03/01/2023 23:17

I've been to the Young Voices concerts several times and I find them really uplifting. If that's helpful to know?

Notagardener · 03/01/2023 23:20

I've been to many concerts of my children over the years but didn't bother with this one. As pp mentioned you won't see her and she won't see you

JellyInMyBrain · 03/01/2023 23:23

I'll go against the grain and say I think if you can at all then do go. I have suffered from severe depression and I know that some things are just impossible. When you can't get out of bed to have a shower then there isn't much else you can do. But if you think that there is any way that somehow you can go then I think you'll feel better for it and you'll feel better the next day. (And your DD will remember that you really pushed yourself to watch her though I'm sure there will be other opportunities to support her so please don't use this as a stick to beat yourself up if you can't go)

Is there any way you can make this slightly easier for yourself? Can your dh take over all logistics so you just sit and the car and kind follow him. Can you give yourself permission to just do the bare minimum in terms of getting ready and dressed? Take a taxi to the venue from the car park of ask dh to drop you there before parking?

JellyInMyBrain · 03/01/2023 23:26

Balloonsandroses · 03/01/2023 23:14

Oh I change my mind. I think if you have managed to go to other things then it's probably not a big deal if you miss this one.

FlorenceAndTheVendingMachine · 03/01/2023 23:32

Eastereggsboxedupready · 03/01/2023 23:08

Imo the next day you will still be tired but will have guilt to deal with also...

I agree with this.

Not wanting to guilt trip you, as only you can really know how you feel, but I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder at 16yo and what worked for me was 'faking it till I felt it'.

It was only when I forced myself to maintain a structured life and stopped allowing myself to make excuses that it became easier to do so, like it became second nature. But on the other hand, if the problem is more burnout related than apathy related then maybe you do need to rest.

Original poster

Balloonsandroses · 04/01/2023 08:15

Up again since 3 feeling awful.. so I think I’m going to stay at home. Have sent her off with a little good luck note in her bag to say how awesome she is and a plan for us to buy and watch the video together. She seems happy and excited and not too bothered that it’ll just be dad and nana there. I so badly wish I could stop my illness impacting my kids!

OP posts:

Highlyflavouredgravy · 04/01/2023 08:19

Of course you should ho. Sraying at home won't make you feel anybetter.

ZooMount · 04/01/2023 09:17

Don't feel guilty about not going, my dd is in a different one and I'm not going as I will have a newborn. DH is going instead but plenty of mums/dads have said that no one is going to watch. It's not as if it's a small play where you can see them, they are just going to be amongst a mass of kids and won't see you. We always try and make sure that someone is there for all these kinds of events but I'm sure there are thousands of kids going without both sets of parents in attendance. The only reason i'd tell you to go is that it might actually make you feel better, I'm sure it will be uplifting as someone said. Don't make yourself feel guilty though.

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