Irrational toilet fear ruining my life

[artfulbodger22]

NC for this but not a poo troll, MN can verify etc etc etc.

I'm nearly 40 now and have struggled with this since my mid 20's. So 15 years I've had this hanging over me. I have no idea why because I don't suffer from physical IBS as such. I can get a dodgy tummy at certain times of the month or if I've had a lot of rich food but I'd say that's pretty standard for most people.

But I still have this fear of having an accident in public. My anxiety over this is sky high and that in itself contributes to bowel upset and the feeling of urgently needing to go. I have lost count of the times I've had to dash to loo in various public places. The sheer panic of not knowing if I'll make it. I suspect this feeling has perpetuated the cycle of fear of it happening again.

Over the years I've tried everything. Diet restrictions, IBS medication (including stuffing myself with Imodium), anxiety medication, beta blockers, therapy, CBT, meditation, visualisation, yoga, Pilates. I've tried taking the 'I don't give a shit' (no pun intended) approach but ultimately I cannot seem to control or forget this.

After years of suffering I'm at the point where I won't let it stop me doing most things but I expect to have a panic attack and a loo stop at least once or twice during the day. So if we go somewhere I will plan the route to see where I can go. If there is a chance there won't be a toilet available for several hours I simply won't go.

I honestly don't know why I have this irrational fear. I don't know where it stems from. I know it's a strange one but does anyone have experience of this and if so have you managed to beat it? I'm at a loss now. I try to tell myself if the worse ever happened I'm certain I could sort it out discreetly without too much embarrassment. There are only a few places where it would be really obvious and unable to escape - like being stuck on a plane or train or something. But even so, I can't seem to shake it off and it's in the back of my mind whenever I go anywhere - town, kids assemblies, holidays, days out, supermarkets. Some places I feel safer than others but it's always there. Wtf is this?

It seems you are not alone! Maybe speak to the GP to discuss some help for the anxiety? I think you can actually self refer for some help too.

discovery.ucl.ac.uk/id/eprint/1560037/1/Kamboj%20%26%20Brown_Anxious%20Times_Focus%20on%20bowel%20and%20bladder%20control%20anxiety.pdf

Here’s some info about self referral. I’m sure that with the right help you will be able to lose this fear, it must be really hard constantly worrying.

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/talking-therapies-medicine-treatments/talking-therapies-and-counselling/nhs-talking-therapies/

Wow it's like that was actually written about me. I have tried CBT twice and it didn't work. But perhaps I didn't have the best therapists. It is comforting to know this is actually a thing. Due to the embarrassing nature, its not something that's talked about in the same way other panic attack symptoms are (racing heart, breathing issues, shaking etc).

I could have written your exact post except mine is bladder, not bowel. It has ruined many days out for me and stopped me doing many things. It is definitely psychological as I can sit in my own house for hours without needing to go. I have been like this since primary school so it's a major part of my life. I got worse after having kids because my bladder was a bit worse and this increased my anxiety.
I am very interested in advice too. That article attached was very relatable for me.

@TheWelshposter yes this is how I know it's psychological not physical too. I'm fine if I'm at home or somewhere I perceive as being safe. It's only when I have to go somewhere new or into a situation where I might not be able to quickly or discreetly get to a toilet that I experience problems. The article says it's a form of social anxiety which does make sense because I suppose it's all steeped in the fear of having an accident and being humiliated in front of others.

Yes this is me. I have my safe spaces, ie local shopping centre and certain parks and beaches where I know the facilities. I really don't want to pass this onto my kids so I try to hide my anxiety from them.

Flights and buses are big triggers for me.

Funnily enough I never even consider bowel issues, mine is 100% bladder. Is yours bowel only?

I agree it could be a form of social anxiety. I would so love to get help but never have.

Given you have tried so many things I don’t expect this to work but offer it up just in case! My son had a similar fear but with wee. Wanted to stop at every loo on all trips out. What solved it was me saying I knew he could get from A to B without a loo stop so we weren’t going to stop anywhere on this next trip until we got to B but I would take spare trousers and pants so that if the worst happened we could sort him out without anyone knowing. He hasn’t had a problem since, partly due to proving to himself he could do it.

Perhaps if you had spare clothing with you every time you go out it would help you relax and the problem would gradually disappear? I’m not trying to minimise it with a simple solution for an upsetting / complex problem but anything is worth a go I always think!

Do you think that the shame and disgust that you feel about bowel and bladder movements are related to how your parents reacted to your bowel and bladder movements when you were a baby/toddler.

Take care of yourself

Ah OP this sounds incredibly annoying for you. An indelicate question - when you dash off to public loos, do you always poo, or does it turn out to be a false alarm? Just wondering if it’s more physical or mental really. I wonder if alongside therapy etc you could take a small bag with spare knickers and wet wipes if something, so a short trip, and not give in to the urge to go. It might be a case of making yourself feel secure enough to test it out (hence the spare pants). You could tell yourself bluntly - the worst that could happen is you poo yourself, the solution is clean up and bin the pants - make it really practical and emotionless. I’m sorry you have struggled with this.

in reality worst case scenario is you poo yourself. i pooed myself on a packed bus during rush hour a few years ago. couldn’t get off for a good 5 minutes and had tears streaming down my face by the time i finally got off and could run to find a toilet and sort myself out. was awful at the time but now a funny story i laugh about. colleague was also on the bus at the time and i told her years later what actually happened that day (became a close friend lol) and she said ‘oh i know, it was fairly obvious’ but was unphased 😂

it is crap having ibs and having this fear. i thought i’d never get a relationship because i was so scared of going on dates that i used to chug a load of buscopan beforehand and even then would barely eat/drink out of fear of pooping

no advice really other than that if the worst case does happen, it becomes a funny story in the future. i promise. in fact my cousin has pooped herself in public 3 times and my auntie and dad also have lol. it’s more common than you think

No I do need to go most of the time. The urgency may pass once I know a toilet is in sight but the urge is real and I think it's activated by the fight or flight response - so when I become anxious and produce adrenaline it goes straight to my bowel and causes the need to poo. Apparently it's the body attempting to empty itself so that in the face of danger you are lighter therefore it's easier to run away or fight.

I have experienced it with bladder issues too but that phases me less as I feel like a bladder accident would be less noticeable and easier to deal with than a bowel one.

Just giving this another bump.

It's strange how the mind works because I think that a bladder accident would be far more noticeable than a bowel one. Isn't it strange how our anxieties make us feel like that.