Will DS ever sleep without me, am I a bad mum for his sleep habits?

[BeckyBoo16]

Apologies this might be a long one!
My DS is almost 7 months old, we have been co sleeping since he was 4 months but with the sidecar cot option (normal sized cot with side taken off and next to our bed) and this has been working well, he is getting used to being in the cot more. However he often rolls over and ends up next to me in bed. He is just starting to move himself around and can army crawl forwards. I would like to put the side back onto the cot as I’m terrified of him falling off the bed in the middle of the night (highly unlikely as I wake at the slightest noise he makes but it could happen).

I introduced a bedtime routine when he was 5 months which was bath, quick masssge with lotion/moisturiser etc, change into pjs, put in sleep bag, bottle, hold and pat bum till asleep and put into cot - I would then sit next to him asleep in the cot until I went to bed myself. If he stirred or woke I would be there to soothe back to sleep/put dummy in etc. Recently the routine has gone to pot, we’ve had a lot of late nights at family/friends over Christmas and he’s been too tired to bath etc when we get back so it’s been bottle, pat bum and bed. He’s also had an ear infection, been full of cold and kept waking constantly unless he was in our bed so the last couple of weeks he’s been in our bed. I hate myself for not sticking to the routine as he knew after the bath it was time for bed as he was all happy and playful in the bath but when getting dry and pjs/sleep bag on, he’d become tired and rubbing eyes, tired moaning etc.

When he’s asleep he will sleep for 3-4 hours, wake up for a feed (formula fed as I couldn’t breastfeed) then go back to sleep for another 3-4 hours. Usually has 1/2 feeds a night, wakes up between 7-8am. My actual point is that he’ll only fall asleep while being held, dummy in and having his bum patted. I have tried patting his bum in the cot instead but he lifts his head up, starts smiling and rolling around. Tried just leaving him and sitting next to him but not touching him and he rolls around even more making lots of playful noises but as soon as I pick him up and pat him, he’s asleep within minutes. Have I made him like this? Is it my fault he won’t sleep alone? I miss my evenings with DH and would like them back if possible! People say it won’t be forever but I can’t see an end to it and it upsets me to think I’ve damaged his sleeping/self settling.

if you’re still reading then thank you so much. Any advice would be appreciated. FTM so just looking for helpful tips or someone to fix the issues I’ve caused!

It's so frustrating when the evening routine gets disrupted! Don't worry, you can get it back again. Maybe time for him to move to his own room now, 7 months? The No Cry Sleep Solution helped us massively at that age. This is also the age where we started night weaning DD and by 9 months she was sleeping 12 hours every night in her own room. It can be done!

Don't be so hard on yourself, you're a lovely mummy. Each baby's routine constantly evolves and you'll naturally move into the next phase x

The idea of children sleeping alone is Western modern crap. Your son is totally normal in wanting to not be alone to go to sleep. It's babies that are forced to be alone before they are developmentally capable of going to sleep without their parents that have shit parents. So much research is out there that even as adults many of us sleep better in the same room as someone else. I never night weaned and didn't do any sleep training whatsoever and mine learned to go to sleep when they were ready (around 2 but it can be much earlier or later depending on your child). This is one of many short term phases in little one's sleep and you can ride it out and change nothing and he'll still learn to sleep when he's ready.

my baby is 7 months and she sometimes still comes into my bed, normally in the early mornings if she’s fussing and doesn’t want to go back in her cot and tbh sometimes needs must for sleep. Our babies are still tiny and they’ll go in their own bed eventually, you’re not a bad mama! Do what you need to! It’s hard enough as it is!!

My daughter is 4 & we still co-sleep! It’s nothing you have done. Agree with the post above, it’s very much cultural. I find it weird that we expect a child to sleep alone when we are sleeping with a partner. It also changes all the time. For a while my daughter would sleep happily in a cot but then she started crying loads & wanting comfort.

Don't worry about the future too much. Babies learn at different rates. What you think is an 'issue' is probably not! I remember my SIL telling me that feeding my baby to sleep was an issue - it had never occurred to me to think of it like that. I wasted a lot of time worrying about it. Actually when my baby got older they grew out of it naturally.

Now all the festivities are over, get your routine back in place. Do this until you feel settled again. Then think about the next thing to change - when you feel ready. As he can crawl, probably the next step is to put the side on the cot - then you'll be able to leave him sleeping alone safely. Then move it away a bit from the bed. Then into own room if that is your plan.

Get him to sleep in whatever way works. You will get to a point where you won't be able to lift him in and you will have to change the method - but that's ok. Patting his bum is working at the moment, and you can easily transition to patting in the cot later.

Throughout all of this, accept he will sometimes end up back in bed with you! It's only natural for them to want to be next to you when they are poorly.

This probably sounds weird but when they are older you will look back on this time with nostalgia and wish you were sitting in the dark with a snuffling baby passed out on you, all warm and snuggled 😂

Despite not planning to cosleep, I have to agree that the idea of not sleeping with your baby seems really odd to me. It just felt so unnatural and stressful.

Do whatever works for you now. It's best for all of you.
I coslept with both mine till almost 2 and 2.5 ish and one of them is a great sleeper and one isn't. I don't think what we did made a bit of difference. One takes after my side of family re sleep/ insomnia and the other their dad's (out before head touches the pillow)

My DS is 6 and still comes into our bed every night, DS2 is 4 and will come into our bed or call for one of us to go to him most nights too. We were in the 2 under 2 club and did whatever we could to survive some rough sleep and we've not fully come out of that yet. I agree with others that it seems odd that as adults many of us like to sleep with a partner but we expect babies and young children to sleep on their own.

You are in no way a bad mum. You can definitely "sort" it if you choose to but also do whatever works for you as a family, not what you think you need to do by others standards.

That's as may be and I'm sure your decision suited your dc, lucky you. But there's really no need to call anyone a shit parent on a thread like this, which could well be read by many sleep-deprived mums, who are desperate for advice.

I never night weaned and didn't do any sleep training whatsoever and mine learned to go to sleep when they were ready (around 2 but it can be much earlier or later depending on your child).

Same here. DD around 2-3, DS was still sometimes sleeping with me till he was 5, by which point we were starting to annoy each other, him by fidgeting and me by getting annoyed at his fidgeting, and he decided to decamp to his own bed fulltime. Both kids slept like logs after that, with no fuss or struggle needed. I have no regrets - those are some of my very favourite memories of when they were little and I treasure them.

Well my youngest two are 7 and 4 and. They still sleep with me every night. DH goes in their bed! It won’t be forever. I will miss it when it’s gone. They way I see it is I get double the time with them. And no it doesn’t affect mine and my husbands relationship. We just find other places and times for that.

DS is 9 years old and asleep in my bed next to me as I type!! He sleeps with me now as a treat but your post could have been written by me only DS only fell asleep whilst being breastfed once he woke in the night. The routine will definitely come back, but be patient and enjoy those nights with him. in the grand scheme of things, these times pass all too quickly!!!

I don't judge anyone. It's what works.
My older two have always been fine in own beds. Youngest however is like nothing I've ever known. He just wants to be with me 24/7. He was ok between 2-3 yrs but since nursery started he's not settled in own bed. We put him back in his bed but he always wakes up screaming during the night. I go to his room and he's wailing and I'm worried it will wake the whole house and the neighbours who have a newborn. So at the moment we are doing this merry dance at 3am. He's never slept through fully. All children are different I suppose. It makes me feel better that OP and many others are in a similar boat. I'm hoping he will eventually just settle into his own space, maybe it's because of nursery and developmental things going on.

Ours are 5 and 3 now. 5yo goes to bed at 7 and sleeps til 7 most nights, odd call out for a wee. 3yo cosleeping still, goes to bed at 7 nicely but in our bed. Wriggles all night and wakes to check one of us is there. Will do as we did with his big sis, and look for opportunities to build sleep habits a bit at a time. With her, we started lying with her in her own bed to get to sleep, but weaned off that to being nearby pottering with jobs. We weaned off cosleeping with her about 10x... First got her sleeping on her own until midnight, then 2am, then 6am. Also many set backs for illnesses, spates of nightmares, etc. We have just done it little by little when we are in the right place for a little push forward. We have been lazier with him, partly because we now recognise it's a long game not a short sprint, so we are more tactical with our energy. There seem to be waves when there are opportunities to push forward with good habits and waves when it is about survival with love and flexibility to maximise on quality sleep. So my advice is if it feels wrong right now, just get sleep however works as best as possible, but be on the lookout for little moments that might work to build towards where you want to be too. With ours so far has been free of tears/tantrums, and I feel confident our 3yewr old will be mostly in his bed within the year.

i agree it’s a western philosophy but when you’re a working mother - as is common in the western world - co sleeping/non sleeping baby can be a nightmare

I didn’t Co-sleep with my first, tried endlessly to get her to sleep in a cot she clearly didn’t want to sleep in, tried lots of different methods, wouldn’t say we ever really cracked it and age 7 she is still the more difficult to get in to bed, lying down and asleep.

my second I Co-slept with and she is a dream at going to sleep now age 5, I think this is because she doesn’t associate bedtime with stress.

Honestly at this point I would just do whatever makes your life easiest. Cuddle your baby to sleep! It won’t be forever, and once he’s asleep and down you can go downstairs to be with your DH.

Up and down the country hundreds of thousands of parents are co-sleeping, rocking to sleep, feeding to sleep, cuddling to sleep, babies to much older children. Many others start off in their bed and then come in.

You are a responsive and caring mum acting in your instincts to comfort your child. I'm what world could that ever be you being a bad mum. You sounded like a great mum.

My child is also 7 months but has been sleeping in their own room/cot since 3/4 months. Quite early for some, but it's what worked for us. Now my child is crawling and a lot more alert but it's all they know, so there's no desire to join our bed.

We got rid of dummy and sleep probs at 4 months. Started sleep training with naps.

At 6 months slowly weaned off night feeds.

Barring the occasional regression, my child sleeps from 7pm till about 5am. I think the parents dictate the child's routine, but I understand it's not easy for many to stomach the protests or cries.

Ultimately setting a firm routine helps provide structure that's beneficial to you and your child. When you're able to rest and be refreshed you'll have more energy for them

Thank you everyone. It’s been reassuring to read that what I’m doing is perfectly normal and I’m not creating bad sleep habits and that also so many of you co sleep too, and that you used to co sleep and your children have no problems sleeping alone now.

I think once he’s properly crawling the side will have to go back onto the cot but I’m happy continuing as we are as it does seem to be working. Maybe I just need to stop sitting with him when he’s asleep and take my evenings back that way!

Guess I'm a shit mum then 😂 We didn't do any sleep training though, our son sleeping alone just happened naturally with no fuss. He outgrew the bassinet in our bedroom at four months so we transferred him to his cot in his own room and he just carried on sleeping as he normally did 🤷🏻‍♀️ We've never had any issues with bedtime and he doesn't seem damaged by it.

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OP I think your suggestion of sneaking away once your little one is asleep to have your evening time back is a good one. If you have a monitor you can still go and resettle baby if they wake or cry.