TW: Child Abuse - Slightly controversial question

[victoriannovelsandapples]

So, I was abused as a child, in many ways (sexually, physically, verbally, etc. I had it all). No one ever helped me in childhood and I just sort of moved on from it, not with the best mental health but it turned out I had ASD as an adult, so I presumed it was connected to that ad it was mostly that fact I was/am socially inept that got me down.

My lowest low came with metoo, because along with this I had a change of perspective on abuse. Somehow, before all that, it had never 'clicked' that my abuse was meant to be this life-changing, awful, very impactful thing. It was a part of my not-ideal childhood-- but what could I do. I have forgiven everyone involved, or rather I never even got angry at them.

I'm sure my abuse had many smaller impacts that I perhaps didn't fully realise were connected before (extreme dental phobia being one, for example), but all in all I think I felt a LOT better before it was brought to the forefront.

Obviously it won't be the same for everyone, but am I crazy to think that sometimes these movements do more harm than good? And that this mindset of 'working through' abuse might be worse than just moving on and not picking it apart?

Completely ready to get told I'm bonkers, but it's just something I've been thinking about.

I'm actually with you a little on this. Of course everyone's situation is different. And having support available is some people's only lifeline. But, I think careful advice on where and how to seek advice is potentially more beneficial than it becoming the latest hype. In my experience, it pushes those who aren't ready to face their demons, into overthinking, and those who have already dealt with their past in their own way, such as yourself, to have it all under a microscope. I am a massive advocate of their being more help readily available to those who need it, but not as the next look at me phase on social media.

Some people need lots of support and therapy. And that's absolutely OK.

I've had to compartmentalise mine because it's just too much. If I started picking it apart I would totally unravel. And that's OK too.

Although #metoo brought up a lot of difficult stuff on the whole I would say it's been helpful and eye opening for the majority.

I do understand where you’re coming from. I, for example, have experienced sexual assault and on several occasions what I am now confident is legally defined as rape. I prefer to keep those experiences at arms length rather than examining them or replaying the details.

Sorry posted too soon!

I think it’s one way of dealing with trauma that can be valid. However, those who may need more support or be more vocal are valid too.

Everyone is individual and every trauma is individual; I absolutely understand how picking apart something you've been through can actually re-traumatise you. I'm sure I read some research on this, I'll have to find the link.

For me, I've really needed to analyse some trauma but other trauma I don't need to look at. I've just moved on.

I think the whole idea of me too is that it’s personal to the individual and if people want to share because that helps them then they should feel free to do so. Not everyone wants or needs to and that’s okay too.

I had a horrible childhood - abuse, neglect, schizophrenic and alcoholic mum, mum in and out of psychiatric hospitals etc - and I talk about it from time to time on here but generally not in real life. I just shut it away. Like it was a different life. I suspect it’s probably impacted me in many ways, I’m extremely sceptical of people and don’t have friends because I don’t trust anyone and I’m very self sufficient because I’ve always had to be. But I don’t want to keep picking it all apart. My Mum died in 2019 and that’s been the most healing thing for me.

But I’d hate anyone else to feel they shouldn’t seek help or talk about things if they feel it would help them.

sorry those things happened to you, OP
sounds like you had found a way to cope and get some perspective on it
I agree that for different people different ways of coping work
It might also be helpful to bear in mind that the impacts may be felt differently depending on what is current in your life. For example, for some people, when they become parents they experience anger and betrayal at their parents, either for the abuse itself or for not protecting them. Or, if the abuse was in the context of domestic abuse they may feel unsure how to have a healthy intimate relationship themselves.

Whether 'metoo' does more harm than good is really difficult to tell- I get that it can retraumatise people, or make them question their own resolution about the abuse (sounds like this was what happened to you) - on the other hand, it can help people realise that they aren't alone, and that what happened was abusive and not OK. I don't think there's any way to balance the harm against the good.

I think there needs to be more assurance that its ok to be ok. You can be a victim and not feel like one without someone judging you X

I think the way you deal with it is the right way for you if it feels right.
DD developed PTSD after being involved in a fatal accident as a child. She had some councelling but we stopped it as she got too upset. We just let her talk as and when it suited her. She often talked to the dog. Sweet if heartbreaking to hear her in her bedroom but it worked.

Wishing you all the very best op you are one brave strong person so bloody well done to you

First off I'm sorry you went through what you did. I do agree with what you are saying, society in particular social media seem to have this theory that everything traumatic needs to be worked through in nitty gritty detail. However, when I've had therapy (and I've had different types of therapies and different psychologists) when I've said I don't wish to discuss the abuses I've had, both in adult and childhood (never had therapy for any of it) , that I've happily put them away in a box and don't feel the need to go digging stuff up unnecessarily - they have all said that is fine and they agreed if that's how I feel it actually isn't best to dig it up. Most recently told this by a newly qualified psychologist this year so not out of date practice.

I guess it depends if you are having flashbacks, nightmares and things, being haunted by it. I tend to go through life with blinkers on a bit but I think it's working for me as I don't get triggered by things usually.

I was raped at the age of 11 & honestly, it's just easier and healthier for me to completely compartmentalise it. I tried therapy once and honestly had the one and only panic attack of my life after the session. Not everyone needs to open Pandora's box.
I have rationalised what happened to me, I know it wasn't my fault and I couldn't have changed what happened. I'm well adjusted, have a normal sex life and relationships. But appreciate that for some, the experience they suffer can completely define them. Hats off to anyone who's experienced abuse & continued living

I think people deal with things differently ,the whole Metoo,movement helped people to see i even fairly " mild" incidences ot abuse wasent,o.k. My own experience was I was once followed into a toilet by a work colleague on a night out ,uninvited who groped me between the legs this isn't ok ,but personally I don't feel affected by it ,long term ,everyone is different though and by comparison I realise my experience was mild compared to others

I think also, some people just cope with things differently. For example, my worst time as a child was always Christmas. My mum always seemed to go on some drink fuelled psychotic bender in the lead up to it, usually culminating in her physically attacking my Dad - once she tried to stab my Dad with a fork whilst trying to open the front door and he was trying to stop her. I was 4 and that was the first time she was sectioned (for a 2 month period) and then the same thing more or less happened every single Christmas. I would end up either in foster care, or looked after by Dad who was wholly inadequate.

I know from speaking to a lot of other people who had traumatic times at Christmas that a lot of people don’t want to acknowledge Christmas at all. It’s become a very triggering, terrible time for them and they suffer flashbacks because of it. I can understand that and I feel really sorry for those people.

For me, I’m the opposite. I am absolutely bloody fucking determined to reclaim the Christmases I missed as a child, I’m 42 now and I’ll be damned if I’m ever having one as miserable as those again so I am like Mother Christmas at Christmas. It’s now my favourite time of year and I go all out. My kids (10 and 19) love it and that in itself makes me feel I’ve put it behind me.

We are all so different in how we cope with things.

I think the more awareness of abuse the better we can help prevent it and support the victims.

Autistic people often struggle with interoception, so it can be difficult to be fully aware of or understand feelings/behaviours.

The abuse you suffered will undoubtedly be continuing to have an impact on you in many ways, you just may not have been aware of it until now.

There is a great book called ‘The Body Keeps the Score’ which explains how trauma can effect you, and what can be done to heal.

You don’t need to go over all the details, or have talking therapy, there are many alternatives.

It can be very triggering to hear of others trauma, but perhaps exploring some ways to help you unpick the impact of the abuse versus the autism will allow you find strategies that work to improve your mental health.

I empathise and relate to this. I can see that for some people, #metoo was helpful as it made them recognise what they'd experienced wasn't acceptable and gave many the opportunity to seek help and open up about their abuse.

But I found it tough to hear about all the stories that came out. I don't think the world was ready for all the disclosures (which obviously isn't ok in itself). Beyond that, the level of sensationalism and constant reporting meant it was difficult to escape from. Even if you made a conscious effort to avoid the news for a while, people were talking about it constantly and it was quite triggering for me.

Sadly there were many who disbelieved and minimised the accounts of those affected, which could have made it more difficult for some to acknowledge their abuse. And some may have felt forced to talk about something they weren't comfortable with. I don't remember there being a great deal of focus on the available support either.

I think it takes a lot of courage and self awareness to say what you have OP. I hope you're doing ok with things now ❤️

I voted YANBU because you get to feel however you want to. But I am torn about what you say. On one hand, people being abused often deal with it by denying or downplaying what has happened, and bringing it out into the open can help people really understand and assess the impact of what has happened to them. Once you admit how you feel it can feel awful and as if it has made things worse, but in the long term it is better to acknowledge these things honestly. On the other hand, people deal with things very differently, some make the fact that they suffered abuse their whole focus in life, while others prefer to see it as something that happened and move on.