To tell BIL he can’t stay here again

[SeeingPink]

background: had MIL and BIL stay for Xmas, 5 days total although they have both stayed on numerous occasions previously. I also have 2 children (6 and 3). We converted the garage to an office so MIL and BIL sleep in there on air mattresses.

I’m basically fed up of BIL disregard for my home. We generally get on apart from this. He is 29 and lives at home with MIL.

This is just a snippet, definitely not an extensive list but here we go

• leaves door open when going for a wee (have told him off for this as daughter is walking around)
• literally pissed all over the toilet seat which I made him clean up (I’m told by DH that MIL would usually just clean up for him 🤢)
• Misogynistic convos e.g ‘women should shave because otherwise it’s gross’. Ironically telling me this while I was putting flat pack together and he just watched while messing about with his laptop. I don’t want my daughter hearing this crap
• We have kept memory jars for the last 8 years, just post it notes with what we did on a day out or tickets, etc. which he proceeds to rifle through and mock. To me this is as private a diary.
• No smoking house, I will find him vaping in the office.
• Didn’t lift a finger whilst here, he will play with his nieces but no dishes, no peeling potatoes on Xmas day, nothing, not a thing.
• Got his presents for nieces sent here after ordering online, no problem with that. But wasn’t surprised I hadn’t wrapped them for him.
• I have OCD (I’m much better after therapy) which I have very briefly mentioned to him. He decides this is a good casual conversation stater with other family on Boxing Day.
• I touched up a patch on a wall with paint testers (which had mini rollers on) one night after the kids had gone to bed. Used an old blanket to protect the carpet and warned MIL and BIL it was wet with paint and left the testers on the blanket whilst it all dried. Wasn’t in any one’s way. 5 minutes later BIL is sat on said blanket and the roller testers are on the floor.
• Leaves choke-ables, like spare change living around.
• Boxing say we all went to my sisters, he took a lab ornamental glass that my sister kept seeing pins in put the cupboard and drank from it, LEAVING THE PINS IN! Because apparently he didn’t see them, someone else noticed them floating in his drink. I mean WTF.

I could go on, was going to tell husband that he needs to stay elsewhere next time. MIL is a delight but does not tell BIL.

Didn't even get to point 4 before realising yanbu

Yeah I agree, not on at all.

He sounds like a creep, I wouldn’t allow him to stay again or be alone with your daughters.

My only question is why do YOU have to tell him. Why is your DH not stepping up here?

Many of these I would pick him up on right at the time. My BIL can be a bit thoughtless and self absorbed. DH told him to get his ass moving to the table when lunch was ready. I told him firmly to get BACK to the table when I found him picking food in the kitchen. SIL told him not to be a twat when he made some inappropriate comment.

It's standing there letting these people get away with it that makes it worse. Overall selfishness like doors being open when using toilet would be strong words from me to DH who would then, in turn, have strong words with BIL.

Didn't even get to point 2 before reaching the same conclusion

I do tell him, every time, literally like ‘WTF are you doing?’ MIL will make him cups of tea if he rings her from his bed at home, so there is no hope her saying anything. DH does tell him too on the more serious stuff, tells him he’s a ‘gobshite’. But they kind of laugh about it to, ‘like typical Jack’ sort of thing (not real name) This most recent stay was the worst so far.

It's your DH's brother? He needs to speak with him

I would have told him to pack his bags when I caught him vaping inside my house.

(we have medical conditions that mean I can’t allow that at all so I would not have bothered with a warning)

Also had he continued to leave the toilet door open, I took the first time as habit from home, he would have absolutely been out. He did shut it after that and DH told him off too. But honestly who needs to be told shit like this

@ZekeZeke yes DHs brother. He has but I think needs to be a more serious one. He has another brother but this BIL is the youngest and still at home (not that that excuses anything).

You were unreasonable in letting it get to five days without having him leave. Totally reasonable in refusing any further visits.

You should have kicked him out the second time he went to the toilet with the door open. Your husband is immature if he can't see that his brother's behaviour isn't acceptable.

Don't let him stay for the next few years, but would let him in for the day and maybe try a night or two again in a few more years. It's a shame for your MIL as I guess they come as a pair.

Wow. The utter disrespect he has for his own mother.
The pissing all over the seat is deliberate. He is putting a woman in her place.

Everything he does in your home is deliberate too. Things like sitting on the blanket and moving the paint testers onto the floor. Mocking you etc.
Men like this hate any woman who dares challenge them on their behaviour so he is finding ways of getting to your personally.

MIL needs to stop pandering to the manchild she clearly still sees as her baby.

Does he do this kind of behaviour in his own home? With MIL? I'd be concerned that if he is still at home when MIL is in her 70s and 80s of abusive treatment towards her.

Good for you. People aren't called out enough for shit behaviour.

Could you do something to the garage conversation so only space for one person to stay? Other sleeping area into a home gym, hobby room, playroom, office, storage?

I unfortunately have experience with these useless live-at-home-too-long men (what is it with the urine on the toilet seat!? Do they not have eyes and notice to wipe it off? In someone else’s home? Fucking hell). But I imagine it would be very awkward to still have MIL but uninvite BIL next year, you will need a good excuse. “I’m so sorry BIL, our giant house rabbit sleeps in that bedroom now and can’t be disturbed, you’ll have to get a hotel this time.”

You had me onside at point number 2.
YANBU

He has no respect for women because he doesn't even respect his own Mother- he at 29 years of age rings her from his bed to make him a cup of tea and bring it up to him? And she does it?! yanbu

What a nightmare.

How does MIL cope with him? I would never allow a son to wee all over the seat and expect me to clean it up. If it happened I would make him clean it up.

Your MIL's bar is set too low, OP.

(what is it with the urine on the toilet seat!? Do they not have eyes and notice to wipe it off?

Why don't these lazy fuckwits lift the seat?

I think you need to shame him into action yell from the bathroom "ERGHHH DISGUSTING BIL come and clean your piss off the toilet seat, no wonder you're single you'll never keep a girlfriend with that nasty behaviour"

@icelolly12 i did this exactly as he was basically one foot out the door going home, taxi outside. Get back upstairs and clean your own piss off the toilet, in front of MIL.

I have no issue telling MIL she can stay but BIL can’t and tell him it’s because of his behaviour.

I feel for MIL but she lets him get away with it and says nothing. I kid you not she once found a bottle of wee under his bed where he couldn’t be bothered to get up in the night.

I can't get over the pissing all over the toilet seat..dirty bastard.
His mother is enabling this behaviour
Don't blame you op..don't invite him again. He sounds a pig