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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think she was never a friend?

27 replies

Mars27 · 03/01/2023 13:54

Hi there,
I'll try to be brief.
I’ve met a lady of a similar age in a language course about 13 years ago and we became friends. Or so I thought.

I’m married and at that time DS was a baby and she was single. We’ve met over the years several times for drinks, coffee, birthday and Christmas parties at her house (to which I’ve also took my son and husband), etc. Some background, she’s always been desperate to find a boyfriend/partner and have a child. She started writing a blog about the "world of dating" and at some point she tried to have her eggs harvested/fertilised but without success.

My issue is I’ve always had the feeling that I was giving more than I was receiving from her. For example, I used to invite her over to Sunday lunch or afternoon coffee and she always ate and went away pretty quickly if she had a date, which I found a bit rude tbh.

Unsurprisingly, she got a boyfriend several years ago and disappeared. She wrote to me in Aug 2020 saying she had broken up with such boyfriend and I was very sympathetic, asked her over for a coffee is she wanted to talk about etc, she said she was going to check dates and never replied disappearing again.

She wrote to me again before Xmas on LinkedIn with some empty pleasantries, congratulating on my job (the job I had started 3 years prior and she knew about it, meaning she never paid too much attention to me anyway). By then I was already suspicious that she was single again. I just replied wishing her Merry Xmas. Lo and behold, I got a long winded reply saying she had broken up with the same boyfriend again but this time was for “real”, etc, etc.

My question is, do I even bother to reply? I don’t like being rude but I think by now I know better that this was never a true friendship. I’ve ended up feeling some sort of stopgap for wanting of a better word.

AIBU to think she was never a friend?

Sorry for the long post

OP posts:
2chocolateoranges · 03/01/2023 13:57

She isn’t a friend.

I detest people like this, they are users .

Original poster
Mars27 · 03/01/2023 14:07

Yes, user is the word.

I don't know if I should write some vague reply as I don't like being rude, or completely ignore her last message.

I feel like ignoring her tbh, as I feel that even some sort of vague message would be a lot more than she deserves anyway

OP posts:
Sloth66 · 03/01/2023 14:15

I’d ignore. It’s not nice being used, but I doubt she’ll understand why you’ve had enough.

Thatiswild · 03/01/2023 14:19

Just ignore, no need to reply.

Lakeyloo · 03/01/2023 14:36

I think I would reply with the aim of making it final... Sorry to hear things haven't worked out for you but all the best for the future. Take care. Have a nice life. Bye.
Definitely sounds as if she only falls back on you when she hasn't got anything (or anyone) better to do. You sound like a nice person and should spend time on your friends who reciprocate.

Puffin87 · 03/01/2023 14:36

It's maybe too hard for her being around a couple with a child when it's something she wants and can't have.

MuhMuh · 03/01/2023 14:43

Lakeyloo · 03/01/2023 14:36

I think I would reply with the aim of making it final... Sorry to hear things haven't worked out for you but all the best for the future. Take care. Have a nice life. Bye.
Definitely sounds as if she only falls back on you when she hasn't got anything (or anyone) better to do. You sound like a nice person and should spend time on your friends who reciprocate.

I concur.

FromTheFront2theBack · 03/01/2023 14:47

I guess it depends what you want from the friendship. If she was just a casual friend I wouldn't even be that bothered by her disappearing in the excitement of a new relationship but it seems she asks or at least takes quite a lot from you. A sympathetic ear when she's down, invites to family dinners etc. What do you actually get in return?

Original poster
Mars27 · 03/01/2023 14:48

Thanks everyone.

Sounds like I shouldn't even be bothering. One more anecdote: Once I invited her for a coffee on a Saturday afternoon and I'd made a fresh batch of profiteroles (I'm a good baker) and she wanted to take some for the guy that she was going to have a date with later on Confused. I should have seen the signs a long time ago, but then I really don't have many friends.

"It's maybe too hard for her being around a couple with a child when it's something she wants and can't have."

There's that, but then she should have cut me out of her life long time ago if that is really the case.

OP posts:
zingally · 03/01/2023 14:48

I would reply with something bland like, "Oh dear, that's a shame. Hope 2023 is better for you!" and leave it there.

Friendships evolve over time, and often fade away as our circumstances change. I have a similar "friend" myself. We worked together 10 years ago now, became very friendly and stayed in touch. Saw her 2 or 3 times a year. Since Covid, the only contact we've had was when I received a reference request for her. She didn't speak to me directly, I just had an email from some company. I filled it in, was nice about her, etc, but was a bit miffed that the only time she'd thought of me in 3 years was to get a favour from me.

I've thought lots of times about breaking the ice and messaging her. But you know what? Roads go in both directions. Why should I jump first?

Ivyy · 03/01/2023 14:53

I'd either ignore it or send back a very brief, couple of lines "sorry to hear that, all the best for 2023" etc.
If she sent anything else again after that I'd definitely ignore. Some people are totally self obsessed and will use you / pick you up then drop you again when they feel like it. It's sad but a learning curve and something I've found out for myself

grapestar · 03/01/2023 14:58

I'd respond, but only because I need to have the last word! But, like other posters have said I would make it final and not expect a response.
I bloody hate users. It's understandable that people fade slightly when they get into relationships, but to be essentially ghosted and then her to come back only when she is single? Grrr, I'm angry for you OP. She is not your friend and you are worth so much more than her.

Original poster
Mars27 · 03/01/2023 15:00

FromTheFront2theBack · 03/01/2023 14:47

I guess it depends what you want from the friendship. If she was just a casual friend I wouldn't even be that bothered by her disappearing in the excitement of a new relationship but it seems she asks or at least takes quite a lot from you. A sympathetic ear when she's down, invites to family dinners etc. What do you actually get in return?

Not a lot as far as I remember. Just some company for a drink or a coffee every now and then and it was always a quick one because she was always rushing as though as she wanted to complete her Tinder card tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mars27 · 03/01/2023 15:02

Lakeyloo · 03/01/2023 14:36

I think I would reply with the aim of making it final... Sorry to hear things haven't worked out for you but all the best for the future. Take care. Have a nice life. Bye.
Definitely sounds as if she only falls back on you when she hasn't got anything (or anyone) better to do. You sound like a nice person and should spend time on your friends who reciprocate.

Thank you, that's kind :)

OP posts:
WhatDoYouWantNow · 03/01/2023 15:03

She's a waste of time. Not a friend.

FangedFrisbee · 03/01/2023 15:08

Were your husband and child invited to her parties? Or did you just assume? As a single person maybe that's not what she wanted?

PrincessNakatomi · 03/01/2023 15:09

Sorry to hear things haven't worked out for you but all the best for the future. Take care. Have a nice life. Bye.

Love this 😂

Yes, just ignore her. She wants more free profiteroles and Sunday lunches.

Original poster
Mars27 · 03/01/2023 15:09

grapestar · 03/01/2023 14:58

I'd respond, but only because I need to have the last word! But, like other posters have said I would make it final and not expect a response.
I bloody hate users. It's understandable that people fade slightly when they get into relationships, but to be essentially ghosted and then her to come back only when she is single? Grrr, I'm angry for you OP. She is not your friend and you are worth so much more than her.

Thank you, that's very kind :)

I'm very much "need to have the last word kind of person" too, lol!

I'll elaborate some vague and final sounding reply and I'll keep you all posted.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mars27 · 03/01/2023 15:14

FangedFrisbee · 03/01/2023 15:08

Were your husband and child invited to her parties? Or did you just assume? As a single person maybe that's not what she wanted?

I don't see what that has got to do with her taking advantage of my friendship but yes, they were always invited.

Sometimes her birthdays celebrations were picnics in the park with other kids present, never adult parties with lots of booze. The Christmas parties were a nice environment too, nothing too adult oriented.

OP posts:
grapestar · 03/01/2023 15:21

Looking forward to your reply, take a mixture of everyone's suggestions on here 🤣

Original poster
Mars27 · 03/01/2023 15:25

PrincessNakatomi · 03/01/2023 15:09

Sorry to hear things haven't worked out for you but all the best for the future. Take care. Have a nice life. Bye.

Love this 😂

Yes, just ignore her. She wants more free profiteroles and Sunday lunches.

Hahaha, that's made me laugh, thanks :p

@grapestar I'll keep you posted ;)

OP posts:
veronicaaa · 03/01/2023 16:01

Ignore her and pick me please!!! I love profiteroles, coffee and Sunday lunches :))) You sound like a great friend OP

Original poster
Mars27 · 03/01/2023 16:15

veronicaaa · 03/01/2023 16:01

Ignore her and pick me please!!! I love profiteroles, coffee and Sunday lunches :))) You sound like a great friend OP

Hahaha, you lot are proper cheering me up today, thanks Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Mars27 · 05/01/2023 19:48

Hi All,

I've thought and thought again and I'm not replying to her as much as I love to have the last word. There's nothing there anymore for me to be bother, nothing to salvage. All it would do was maybe make her angry with me and we just started a new year, I really don't fancy any negativity coming my way. Halo

If, and it's s big if, she sends any more messages I'll consider replying. Other than that, wishing her a good 2023, have a nice life and bye (but no reply).

OP posts:
grapestar · 05/01/2023 22:29

Mars27 · 05/01/2023 19:48

Hi All,

I've thought and thought again and I'm not replying to her as much as I love to have the last word. There's nothing there anymore for me to be bother, nothing to salvage. All it would do was maybe make her angry with me and we just started a new year, I really don't fancy any negativity coming my way. Halo

If, and it's s big if, she sends any more messages I'll consider replying. Other than that, wishing her a good 2023, have a nice life and bye (but no reply).

And that just goes to show what a nice person you are.
Personally I want her to be over analysing why you haven't responded...🤣
Nice one OP, all the best for 2023 and I hope you find your person who doesn't use you xx