Hi mums,
just looking for some opinions/ advice please. I have a good friend, she’s been in a progressively downhill relationship with a narcissistic man. He’s abused her in every way, not physically so much but sexually, emotionally, financially and verbally over the last 6 years. They have a young child together and she has a daughter from her previous marriage and he has 2 children from a previous relationship.
I’ve tried to support my friend as much as I can with building up the courage and resources to leave this DV relationship, being her shoulder to cry on whilst also having to draw boundaries so that my own well-being doesn’t suffer. During my pregnancy last year my friend would call me at all hours begging for me to come over to her house as her and her partner had yet another big blow up which the police would become involved in. Honestly, it’s the most toxic relationship and I found myself reluctantly involved as I wanted to be there for my suicidal and broken friend but hearing the way they carried on at each other with their children in the house made me feel so mad. It’s honestly been an endless cycle of her saying she’s kicked him out, he’s in jail, then out again and back living with her despite the protection order. She moved house and she “allowed him to think she’s letting him live with her so he helps her move”, but now they’ve been back together a few months although he’s still in and out of jail after each DV incident... and she’s now told me she’s pregnant... she’s told him and he’s super excited about this and I replied “I bet he is, as he knows you won’t leave him now!” as he always begs forgiveness after he abuses her and she says she’s going to end the relationship. I’ve shown her the Power and Control wheel which she relates to the patterns in it. She told me yesterday that she loves and misses him and can’t cope being alone. It’s clearly a trauma bond that she has to him. I honestly don’t even know what to do anymore and I feel done with our friendship to a large degree as I don’t enjoy it anymore but I adore her children. It’s been years since we talked about something other than her toxic relationship and struggles. Every conversation comes back to it. I just wanted so badly for her to put her kids first and leave, you know? And know her worth, that her and the kids deserve better. So AIBU to be honest with my friend about how I feel and tell her I can’t keep being there for her when shit hits the fan if she’s not willing to help herself and stop thinking that this man is going to change? She doesn’t have any close family or other close friends so I totally understand that she feels so alone.