Marriage in trouble?

[LosingMyMarriage]

Please help me. I'm so sad and scared. I feel like I'm watching my marriage fall apart in slow motion and I don't know what to do. Can I even fix this or do I just need to quietly observe and hope for the best? Maybe my anxiety about this is just another symptom of perimenopause? Maybe I'm overthinking all of this?

In the last couple of years, my DH got a new sports-related hobby. He's obsessive about it and is improving all the time. I've been supportive of his training, encouraged him to join clubs and gone to all his events. We have DCs who all participate at junior level in these clubs. We both work FT demanding jobs, but to his credit, DH has worked this hobby around our family, work, etc. I cannot fault him in any way.

DH is quite shy and has really stepped outside his comfort zone socially as he's tried to connect with others in these clubs. He didn't know anybody initially and it hasn't been easy to keep turning up to training and events on his own.

There is one particular club that DH is really enjoying. The group are very sociable and have really bonded. Most of them are younger (they're 30-40ish and DH is early 40s). They have an active WhatsApp group and always sharing memes, photos, etc. He often talks about this group.

I was so happy for him until my spidey-senses started tingling, but maybe this is paranoia on my part. A couple of months ago, DH started mentioning a particular woman in this club who seemed to be at a similar level to him in terms of ability and who was targeting similar goals. Over the past few weeks, we have been arguing a lot - over small, stupid things.

Separate to this, I've noticed that he has been mentioning this woman a lot - on a daily basis, often multiple times. I then noticed in club photos shared on social media that they're always sitting together. She actually looks a lot like me (except she's younger & fitter). Our DC have just joined the junior club and train together. I've noticed how he looks at her at the DCs training sessions.

DH recently competed in an unrelated event and seemed unhappy afterwards that she wasn't there. I found out that she mentioned the event to him and I think he hoped to do it with her. I drove him to the event and he couldn't get out of the car quick enough - no peck on the cheek or backward glance. Looking back, I suspected he was keen to go find her. She mentioned to me in passing at DC training that he'd texted her afterwards to ask why she wasn't there.

Now he tells me that the club members are planning a weekend trip to an event. They're booking accommodation. They want him to go. They're all going, but he's not sure. Then mentions that she is going too. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. I've tried to keep my responses light when he mentions her. I've joked that she's probably spending more time with him than I am lately. He just laughs.

I know hasn't done anything wrong, but I think he has feelings for her and I'm terrified. I can't relax any more in case he mentions her name. I'm going to talk to my GP as maybe this anxiety or paranoia is linked to perimenopause. It's affecting my sleep, everything.
I don't know any more. Is it me?
Sorry, that was long. I'm hoping for some advice. I have nobody to confide in. DH was always my person for that.

I’m sorry you are feeling like this. Can you talk to him and say how you feel?

You need to chat to your DH

I think you are right to feel very scared.

Is she single?

This must be very distressing for you. At the moment you need to look at the evidence you have. It could be he has a crush on her but hasn't necessarily crossed boundaries; although making arguments can be a sign if him deflecting his guilt.
I think its a difficult one but a topic that needs to be addressed. You will need to burst his bubble by saying-

"I can see something going on. I dont know exactly what. But you look at her with admiration and you talk about her in that way."

Perhaps you are frightened to bring it up as you dread to hear his response. But he may realise his foolishness when he sees what this might cost him with his marriage.

That sounds tricky. Don't automatically blame yourself for overreacting, could you say something like,

I'm so chuffed you're having so much fun with the xx club and how it's really taken off for you. I hear you mention xx name specifically and notice that you enjoy her company, the story I'm telling myself is that maybe there are some feelings developing, could you say a bit more about what's going on in that direction for you?

And see what he says?

Firstly don't blame yourself or put it down to peri menopause. Secondly always trust your gut instincts. Even if your DH is a good person, women, i find are very sneaky, and will not stop until they get what they want. Unfortunately men can be weak and before you know he wants her. I say all this because i experienced the exact same thing. It broke me, it destroyed our marriage and my 2 young children have suffered.
Confront him. But be strong.

Sorry to hear this. Please don’t immediately blame yourself.
can you try and talk to him as others have suggested?
good luck op.

Course it's not the menopause!! Hes having an emotional affair. Time to sit him down for a chat.

Nothing seems to have happened yet, but at the very least this is heading into emotional affair territory.

You need to have a serious chat to your DH about what you have noticed, how it's affecting you, and what it could mean for your marriage.

Sometimes you need to be brave and confront things head on before they start. If he's determined to have a fling it won't stop him, but it might just shock him into realising he's being an idiot and see sense.

Oh, and don't blame perimenopause - it's him, not you.

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this.

@determinedtomakethiswork
Yes, I believe she is single.

@Babe2807
I'm so sorry you went through this. I hope you and your DC are doing well now.

Yes, I'm terrified of having the conversation. He's been so open with me, I'm afraid that he'll just continue to with this friendship or whatever it is, quietly.

He's not going to leave the club so will still see her at training.

I think in your shoes I’d spell it out for him. That you don’t believe he’s cheating or necessarily currently has any intention to, but that you’re not stupid and can see that at the very least he has a crush on this woman. That in itself is not a problem; we all experience attraction to other people at times. But the only appropriate response for a married person who develops a crush is to distance themselves from that person. Tell your DH he is playing with fire by texting this woman, always sitting with her, going away on a group trip with her etc. These things are not wrong in and of themselves, but when it’s starting to fuel a crush it needs stamping out. He is taking risks with his family.

I would do exactly as @Puppers suggests.

These things thrive in secrecy and snatched meetings.

Tell him you see it, don’t let him brush you off. Remind him that he will lose his family (in its current configuration) if he allows himself to drawn into an attachment.

Ultimately it’s his decision and you can’t stop him so be really clear about what you’ll do if he does stray.

Good luck OK

First of all, do not blame perimenopause! It’s not you it’s him. Your hormones aren’t causing him to have obvious mentionitis and gaze at this woman. He clearly has at least a crush on her. He needs to answer a few questions.
This stood out:
”She mentioned to me in passing at DC training that he'd texted her afterwards to ask why she wasn't there.”
That sounds to me like a signal from her that she knows he’s interested in her, she isn’t interested in him and it’s bothering her. Possibly a way of warning you that he’s pursuing her and she knows it. If she was interested in him she’d surely not mention this text to his wife.

What a ridiculous thing to say. Its awful your husband cheated but that's on him not 'sneaky women'

I agree with @FictionalCharacter. It stood out for me too and I'd bring that up with him. Say that she particularly mentioned to you at DC training that he'd texted her that event to ask why she wasn't there. And see what his response is to that.
There is no way she would mention it to you if she secretly liked him or was involved with him somehow. She mentioned it as she wants you to act on it. Probably doesn't like the attention.

You are right to be worried. And it’s defo him not you. He is putting your relationship and his family life at risk and needs to distance himself now.

Talk to him. Explain your thoughts, see what he says. If you don't want him to go on the trip, tell him why. See what he says. Does it reassure you? If necessary find a way to get to know this woman. Can you spectate at their events, then get into a conversation with her? You may get an idea of her thoughts regarding your husband. Don't just leave it.

@Puppers your advice resonates with me. I will need to gather myself to be able to have that conversation.

When she told me that DH messaged her, I sensed she was trying to let me know that she's relevant to him. It felt like she was trying to establish herself, if that makes sense?

I overheard her name-dropping DH in conversation with their club mates about a week ago. The message was that she had spoken to him about something and was sharing his response with the group. It felt like she was establishing herself as his confidante in some one-upmanship kind of way.

I told him what I'd overheard at the time and he indicated that he was trying to avoid interacting with her. But then the event and subsequent text undermines that assurance?

I'm back at work now, so no more opportunity to attend DC's training sessions. My only insight would be through what he shares over the coming days, weeks, etc.

I want to speak to him, but afraid of letting emotion take over, appearing paranoid or unstable and giving him something to bond with her over.

I think you do need to talk to him. Perhaps along the lines of

not an easy conversation to have but something that’s been on your mind

You’re not accusing him of anything inappropriate.

noticed that he appears close to this person and it is making you very uncomfortable

looks to you like he is developing feelings for this person.

she is single and does not have as much to lose.

if this goes further he will lose his family and that’s not what you want

from where you stand, you are asking him to step back from this relationship.

My thoughts exactly. I think her mentioning him texting her to you was because she is interested in him and sees you as her rival.