Am I being a terrible friend?

[squarelamp]

I rarely see friends and this has always been the case really. I see a couple of friends every couple of months, that's about it.

There's one friend I see, where we will meet, usually for lunch somewhere and it will be for a few hours. I think my friend would carry on for 8 hours chatting but I usually start to wind it down after about 4 hours as that really is enough for me.

I had a baby just over 5 months ago. Since then I have seen my friend a couple of times. She's single with no kids.

When we make arrangements I think there's an expectation for me not to bring the baby, so I don't.
I say this because of the types of places she books.
Also last time I messaged her to say I will be bringing the baby with me and she cancelled.

My DP is fine looking after the baby while I meet my friend but I don't want to be away from DP & baby all day long when we get very little family time together.

Anyway, back to my title.
I'm meeting my friend tomorrow. She's asked again to meet at lunch time. (The last couple of times she has said that she will need to let me know last minute if she can meet due to being unwell and has texted the night before to say she can which is obviously short notice really).

She's messaged tonight to meet for lunch tomorrow. I've suggested an alternative time due to a health appointment I have for the baby & a baby class.

She hasn't replied yet. But I'm feeling bad in a way as if I'm letting my friend down.

Sounds like she’d prefer you not to bring the baby. It changes the dynamic but given how young the baby is, I’d be reluctant to leave him/her. Your friend sounds flaky, I’d never leave it til last minute to organise lunch etc, people have lives!

You're not a bad friend at all.

It sounds as if she wants if very much to be on her terms, and she is not adjusting or even acknowledging that you have a young baby and a family.

The last couple of times she has said that she will need to let me know last minute if she can meet due to being unwell and has texted the night before to say she can which is obviously short notice really

Just rude.

So, she clicks her fingers and expects you to come running? How are you supposed to sort out childcare at that short notice?

Could you invite her to your house for lunch? Or would you never get rid of her afterwards?

Who the heck can do an eight-hour lunch anyway?

I would be backing away from this 'friendship'.

Sounds like she wants it all her way! Wonder if she's trying to make other plans and youre the last chance saloon if no other options?

I agree.

Wow you're being walked all over. Things change when you have a baby and she needs to accept it or she isn't a great friend. Such a young baby really doesn't alter the dynamics that much

Maybe there's miscommunication on both sides, could you explain how you feel, she might think you don't intend to bring the baby and more so if you usually don't.
I wouldn't take the cancellation as a sign of anything and you're not being a bad friend at all but you should be able to speak to her about if she is a good friend.

I think it's run its course, anyone that expects you to jump into line at such short notice isn't really interested in meeting you half way.

I'm sure your friend wrote a thread about this the other day! Not even joking. The only difference was the last minute potential change was about work and not about being poorly

If she’s a true friend, she will accept your circumstances have changed and be willing to meet up with your baby in tow at times, too.

I was just away to say the thread looked so familiar, but from the other perspective! I'll see if I can find the link, think there may have been an older child as well though maybe?

This link

To not want to meet with children there. http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4709726-to-not-want-to-meet-with-children-there

@christmas2022exchange
I can see why people would think this is my friend but I can tell it's definitely not. Similar though!

@Cherrysoup
That's the thing, I have being away from the baby. I really miss her when I'm not with her.

And yes it's usually planned in advance but then will message a few days before saying she's not well and can she let me know the day before the planned meet up date if she can still come.
So this has happened the last couple of times where she's messaged at about 7pm the night before to say she can now meet.

@NotTheRightFit
I get what you mean.
With the cancellation, she had booked a really fancy restaurant. A really beautiful and expensive place.
My DP actually said this was in itself a little inconsiderate as we only have one income at the moment due to being on maternity leave.

Then DP said it's not really a place to take a baby because other diners probably wouldn't be happy if baby started crying/screaming etc.
so I messaged friend to say I'm bringing the baby and can we change the venue.

I suggested an alternative place which is still a lovely venue but more baby friendly.
She replied saying she wanted to just cancel instead and do it another time.

I had the same situation after having my first baby. I knocked the friendship on the head. Other friends understood this was my life and doted on my baby.

Same for me. I visited my friend at her house with her babies because it was easier for her. It was only 3-4 years then the little one started school and we’re now doing “grown-up” lunches again and getting into grittier conversations! I love her DD because she’s a part of my friend.

@OriginalUsername2
It's hard isn't it. I do still want to be friends with her. But it's harder in a way.
Also sometimes I can only meet for a couple of hours which I don't think she's happy with. As I say, she'd usually want to chat for a lot longer.
It's different when you're meeting with a friend who also has a baby isn't it

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy
Yes 8 hours is a long time isn't it. 4 hours is fairly long.
I feel bad now when I can only stay out for a couple of hours.
I have invited her here before and she said yes but then cancelled last minute saying the drive here would make her anxious. Which seemed odd as she does drive everywhere really. So we rearranged for another day on that occasion.

@squarelamp I think be honest “With me on mat leave I can’t afford X and no, I in no way want you to pay” “right now I still feel uncomfortable being away from baby for more than 2 hours. You are welcome to come to us for longer, or I will just come out for a couple of hours, or I will be bringing baby, hope you understand. Also, if you want me to leave the baby, I need to arrange for someone to take care of baby so the night before is too short notice”