To just stop doing this stuff?

[Wyfe]

I realise individually this seems petty but I've realised recently that my husband just no longer plans anything for his kids (my DSC). Things like, their birthdays, he won't think about buying a card anymore or a cake, or Easter eggs, stocking fillers at Christmas, or anything like that, if I didn't do it, it just wouldn't be done.

It's really winding me up, whenever I've mentioned it he doesn't see why it's an issue and I usually get 'you'd do it for our child so why is it a problem?'.

It's a problem because it just feels like very subtle wife work. Yes I do it for our child (because again he just "doesn't think about it") but it really bugs me that I've now just been left to do it for his kids as well, like he's just wiped his hands of the responsibility for his children now he has a woman around.

It's his daughter's birthday this week and I've not bought a card or cake yet and honestly part of me just wants to leave it and not say anything knowing she probably won't end up with one if I do. Or he'll be running around at the last minute trying to get one.

AIBU to just stop doing this stuff and not say anything? There has never been any agreement that I do it, I just always end up doing so because it gets so close to the time and he's not.

we have children and we buy presents for them between us - so from the list I buy half and he buys half. if he is out in town he picks up the cards, the same if I am in town. the child will be disappointed if there is no card or cake so tell your partner now that you are not going to do this and make it very very clear that you mean it.

Make sure you're very explicit with him that you won't be doing it. It would be cruel to let him assume you're going to do it and let your DSD miss out. However once you've made yourself clear you have to stick to it.

Or he'll be running around at the last minute trying to get one.

Let him do that then. Maybe next time he'll do it better, and a bit better after that. Practice makes perfect. For all his children.

You’ve enabled it this far so of course he doesn’t do it. Why would he?

If you want things to change you need to give warning that you’re no longer doing it and that he needs to do it. Let the kids know this too. Keep repeating loudly and purposefully until everyone gets the message loud and clear. If no cake materialised then everyone will know what a useless parent he is. Shame for his kids but not your problem.

Imo the thing about stepping in is if things go wrong - wrong cake /card /gift etc it becomes your fault. To both dh and dsc. Ultimately dsc should be aware of how their parent actually parents or doesn't bother.

If you’ve always done it without being asked or there being any talk or agreement, then I can only assume you were eager to take on this wife work.

It would be really unreasonable and quite nasty to just not say anything about your intentions to stop, and let him find out on the day of his daughter’s birthday that there isn’t even a card.

You're partly at fault for how things are.

Tell him today that he needs to sort his own children out from now on. Give him fair warning.

I think you’re within your rights however you must tell him and make him understand it is no longer your work and do so knowing it will damage your relationship.

It annoys me that I even need to warn him to think about getting his own child a birthday card or cake.

Yanbu. I told DH one year I wasn’t doing it any more. (years of indifference and no thanks from DSC, and also no thanks from DH for sorting out everything for our DC as well as DSC). He waited until the last minute then tried to continually pull me into the conversations of what to get from where. I said no, this is for you to sort now. He still hates it, but years later is now semi-organised.

Stand firm.

whats very subtle about it? It’s very explicit wife work!!!

make it VERY clear that you’re not doing it. Remind him (this time) the day before thst you haven’t done anything. And then there it is.

to be frabknhe should also be stepping up with regard to your shared child

Why should it damage the relationship? It didn’t for me. If anything he finally had respect for what I had been doing for all the DC and DSC for years.

No you just need to warn him this one time... Because you've been enabling it. Tell him now that you haven't sorted anything and you won't be from now on. He'll have the row about how you do it for your biological child but bat that bugger into the distance.

Also stop the shit for his family as well. Always seems to be the woman who takes that on.

I stopped paying toward birthday and Christmas presents as of last year too for the same reason. He'd pay for most of it but I'd be left trying to sort it or organise the thing so I just completely leave it now, I don't contribute anything toward them. He still leaves it until the last possible moment but at least he sorts it.

When he says that you do it for 'your' child, turn that around on him replying "you don't do it for 'any' of your children"

He's setting a very poor example of how to look after any of his children. At some point in the future (or depending on their ages they may already be becoming aware of it) they will work out that you are the one doing the present/card buying not him. These kids will at some point say "Well, you never got us anything...it was always Wyfe that bought us our presents", so it will come back to bite him.

Tell him to set a better example.

Does he buy you presents/gifts? If he does, there there is absolutely nothing stopping him getting gifts for his children.

Does he generally do his share of housework and child work?

If he does then I would just divvy up these tasks - eg he does your daughter’s stuff and you do your son’s.

If he is generally crap then a big divvy up of tasks is due.

This!

Definitely stop doing it. But for the sake of your step daughter tell him that he has to do it ahead of time.

say it’s because he has to step up as a parent and not leave the emotional labour to you.

Tell him he needs to buy a cake and card ( and get everyone to sign it) ahead of her birthday.

also, tell him that is how it’s going to work with all his kids in the future. ( and yours on alternate years). Tell him he’ll get no reminders or prompts from now on. He knows when his kids were born ffs!