To want to know if hearing others struggles makes you feel better about your own ?

[Secretstuf]

Basically because I’ve had a very difficult year well life in some way but last been v hard, health issues and alot of stress, which has lead me to the edge of depression

when I open up and talk to people about my problems

I feel better when they tell me their problems too

I guess because it makes me feel less alone

but it feels a bit toxic that hearing others struggles makes me feel better

then also when I see that person again
I feel an urge to ask them about what it was they said they were struggling with
say for example might be one friends partner is struggling as an elderly parent is unwell

so I get the urge to ask how this is all going
and I’m wondering is that out of order ? Am I dragging those other people down

and I being a negative influence on their life

should I not ask/follow up about these things
or maybe sometimes ask sometimes don’t

am I toxic ?

Yanbu it’s pretty normal

yabu it’s really not nice and is out of order

I have a friend that I told my various troubles and struggles to.
Now when we meet, she constantly asks me about 'the bad things'.
It took me a while to notice this style of communicating.
It brings me down as I want to talk about other things that are more cheerful and hopeful.
I think it's good to ask others how things are going, but don't overdo it.

Would you say anything to her about it ?

like can we stop talking about that now

Na, don't worry about it. Unless you feel absolute glee at other people's misery, you sound pretty normal.

I don't think it's at all unreasonable that hearing about other people's problems (whrn they volunteer that information or when you hear about it from othere) makes you feel better about your own. There is nothing wrong with learning to feel grateful for your good fortune when you realise that other people have it worse than you.

However, deliberately and regularly asking for news of people's bad situations in order to enjoy the fact that their life sounds crap compared with yours doesn't sound very nice.

It’s not really about completion like they have it worse or I have it worse
it’s more they have their own struggles too

different ones but still got their own struggles
kinda like your not the only one struggling

Schadenfreude!

Yes I did wonder if it was this and if so is it normal and if not normal how to stop ?

YANBU it's a normal human emotion. People like to know that others are going through the same thing and have similiar struggles. There's a massive difference between finding companionship in people with their own struggles and delighting in other people's misfortunes.

As an example I suffer from anxiety. When I opened up to a friend about it and found out she also suffered from a similiar issue I felt understood and we could relate to each other. I also felt like less of a failure knowing lots of other people struggle in a similiar way. There's a massive difference between that and actually wishing anxiety on my friends which I absolutely would never do or feel.

I think that people carefully curate their lives on social media etc (I hate the word curate, but anyway). So if I find I am not the only one struggling it makes me feel more connected and - dont know- accepting of the human condition.
i tend to be reasonably open about my struggles- without actually violating the privacy of my family members. I am open about my depression for example, but less open about my DCs various diagnosed issues and my DH's depression.

That's something completely different and not what I thought OP was describing.

Yes and no. It helps me to keep my problems in perspective and not feel as if the universe is repeatedly kicking my arse while everyone else is getting off scott free, and it gives me confidence that I will cope along with everyone else. On the other hand it reminds me that troubles are universal, especially as we get older, which I could close my eyes to when I was younger.

I don't think its about making you feel better as such but more about distracting you from your own problems. You can ignore yours for a few minutes (with societal blessing, therefore no guilt) whilst you listen, and support, someone else.

I think its only normal to ask at least once whether their problems have got better as it can be hurtful if not mentioned next time you see each other. But not every time you meet as they might want to be distracted rather than reminded.

@Secretstuf

you sound totally normal!!

knowing you're not alone in your struggles, is a good thing (and pretty much shy MN is so big & active!!)

Asking about friends ongoing situations is nice, not nasty, you just need to know when to stop asking or how to ask if it's a long term thing. It's hard when everyone just ignores it after a short while, so having someone show they care enough to remember/ask is lovely.

I have friends in awful relationships. At times we've had long, long, frequent discussions about how to deal with it, when they've instigated it. Other times I just let them know I'm still here if they want to talk, they know they can show up here anytime they need/want to. 2 have keys. & I once came home to one of them curled up foetal position on the spare bed, she stayed a few days. He promised the Earth and has delivered mud. I hope one day she'll gather the strength to leave the bastard! She knows she can stay here.

As long as you're asking because you genuinely care & not because it makes you feel better about your own situation, then it's a good thing.

I'm not sure it's about making me feel better about my own problems, but I definitely get a better sense of perspective about any problems I'm experiencing. I have a friend whose husband was diagnosed with an aggressive form of Parkinsons last year, her mum is also terminally ill. She's the nicest woman I've ever met and somehow still tries to find positives, it breaks my heart. Another friend lost her beloved husband (also my friend) to Parkinsons last year. Another friend lost her mum on Christmas Day. I wish they weren't having such a hard time. It's made me reflect a lot. I don't have much to complain about in my own life. Family are all happy and healthy. Any problems we have are transient and pale into insignificance.

Mumsnet ethos is finding support and solidarity.

I wish I had discovered at various points in my life. Reading posts makes me feel less alone. I obviously wish anyone misery but if it's happening then it's not a bad thing to share.

YANBU.

*DONT wish 🤦🏼‍♀️

I think it requires tact, balance and self-knowledge not to fall into seeing your friends’ problems as instrumental to propping you up, or being a sort of problem-vampire. My mother is an example of how not to do it. She has zero interest in anyone’s good news, only illness, bad luck, bereavement, because it makes her feel needed.

Thank you so much for the replies, been starting to wonder if I’m a bad person