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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend and pregnancy

11 replies

Verytired123 · 02/01/2023 07:50

Name changed.

I have a friend is waiting for IVF after a few years of trying, we’ve been friends since nursery. We are very close.

I have just found out I’m pregnant again (after a few losses, currently nearly 10 weeks). She found out earlier than I would like due to plans we had. My friend is obviously finding this difficult and has barely been in contact apart from telling me about her Christmas/things she’s doing and the one time we did meet up, we did not bring up the pregnancy.

The thing is I’m selfishly finding this difficult. We are normally in contact everyday, however there is a history of me being unable to talk about life events because she’s either not reached them or is envious (engagements, weddings or buying a house). I never feel this way towards her, I’m only happy for her when good things happen to her.

There’s a part of me that is very annoyed we are here again and I can’t speak about something huge in my life or find support from someone who is meant to be my best friend. I’m also really worried about loosing this pregnancy and find it annoying that if I did I’m sure she would be very friendly again. I also know that if we were to talk I would either not speak about it or be very limited about what I say so as not to hurt her.

I feel, I need someone to give my head a wobble as I know that trying to start a family is a bigger thing than other life events and not being able to and needing medical help must be impossibly hard. I have always listened to her and supported throughout her struggles and I want to continue to.

I’m not really sure what I want to get out of this thread, maybe just to be told how to support her and not feel resentful. (I know how I’m feeling towards her is unfair). We have a great and effortless friendship otherwise and have lots of fun, and I would hate to loose it over this.

OP posts:

BackBeatTheWord · 02/01/2023 08:18

People are different op. She might be more anxious than you or have lower self esteem so finds it more difficult to find joy in your milestones because she's so terrified of not reaching them herself. If she's generally a kind friend give her the benefit of the doubt that she's just prioritising her own sanity.

YANBU to be disappointed that you can't get support from her but pragmatically it's definitely better to just accept that that's what she's capable of giving at the moment.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Do you have other people (parents, partner, siblings, other friends) who you can talk to about it? If so use them to share your scan pics, talk of morning sickness etc and just give your friend the space she needs.

JenniferBarkley · 02/01/2023 09:09

She sounds way OTT about the engagement and house buying (assuming you were chatting normally and not rubbing it in her face obviously!), but infertility is a different ballgame. I think most people who have been trying for years and are waiting for IVF would find it difficult to discuss a friend's pregnancy and miscarriage fears.

Hopefully in a year's time you'll have your baby and she'll be pregnant or have hers, but for now the friendship might be a little distant unfortunately. No one's fault but you likely can't give each other what you need right now.

kirwanco · 08/01/2023 01:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Phrenologistsfinger · 08/01/2023 01:54

After 13 miscarriages and 4 rounds of IVF in 3 years, any friend of mine who gets pregnant is distanced. Just can’t handle it. I can’t even bear to look at pregnant women. Your friend is doing what she needs to. Seek support elsewhere.

Murdoch1949 · 08/01/2023 01:58

This is very difficult for both of you. She is envious but no doubt feeling guilty she can't be a more supportive friend, at the moment. You are so happy, want to chat about your excitement as well as your concerns, but feel you can't do this with your bf, so there's a loss there. Give her time to adjust. Continue to see her but take her lead about the pregnancy. Good luck for the future months.

Knobknob · 08/01/2023 02:07

What do you mean - 'she found out earlier ' than you would have liked? What happened? Did she find out in an insensitive way?

If you need support go to other friends for now. Her infertility struggles are worse than whatever it is you need support with.

CharlotteRose90 · 08/01/2023 02:17

Sorry but you need to seek support elsewhere. I’m dealing with infertility and any friend of mine that got pregnant I couldn’t see. I’d be happy for them of course but I couldn’t see them have the life I want.

Guavafish1 · 08/01/2023 05:14

Agree ... look for support elsewhere and maybe distances your friendship until she is ready.

Hattie888 · 09/03/2023 18:21

Hi, I am in a very similar position to you! It is so difficult and I have found it all so stressful! My friend has given it to me both barrels, saying I shouldn’t of given her the news and she’s now questioning our friendship…that I don’t care etc! I have always been there for her, a listening ear, sensitive and never rubbing her nose in anything! I remember though she was the same when I got a partner…she said she couldn’t hear about it, it upset her too much, as she didn’t have someone! I don’t need her to be there for in in a supportive way but I feel she has put a lot of her upset and blame on me at a time when I am trying to keep me stress levels low due to high risk pregnancy! I just feel if it was the other way round I may feel upset about the situation but I wouldn’t make my friend feel vilified for having a baby!! How have things panned out for you??

Original poster

Verytired123 · 11/03/2023 08:36

@Hattie888 I’m sorry to hear you’re in a similar position. It’s really difficult as you don’t want to hurt them but at some point you do need to let them know. It’s hard that she’s told you she’s questioning the friendship.
For me it’s resolved itself mostly over time. For a while we just did not mention it at all on meeting up and I think she needed some space which I gave her. I only mentioned the baby when she asked. Now she asks me a bit more but I do tend to stick to topics away from the baby. I’m just hoping she finds her own happiness soon.
I hope you have a similar outcome as it’s so difficult.

OP posts:

SquashPenguin · 11/03/2023 10:03

Ivf and infertility is something you just can’t ever fully understand or appreciate until it’s happened to you. Echoing other peoples comments- I can’t even look at pregnant women. I turn the tv off at nappy adverts, I walk the other way or cross over when someone with a pram comes along. It’s devastating and I’ve also distanced myself from pregnant friends. Sure I’m happy for them, but I’m so unbelievably sad for myself at the same time. She has to do what she feels is right for her, hard as that sounds.

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