Not really AIBU but posting here for traffic.
DSS is 10. Not diagnosed but almost certainly ADHD and dyslexic. He is on the referral pathway but it takes an age; school are ok (mainstream) but not very proactive.
I’m relatively new to the step parenting thing - DP and I moved in together last autumn and it seems to have gone really well - kids are all happy and adjusted well to the change, they all get on with each other and us. DSS has had a lot of upheaval in his life, for reasons I won’t go into else I’d be here forever. I’m hoping he won’t have any more - I have no plans to go anywhere, I love my step kids and I will do my absolute best to give DSS a stable, consistent and loving base.
However DP is struggling with DSS. He is a lovely, lovely boy, has the biggest heart and can be so generous and sweet natured. But he is a ‘typical’ ADHD kid and DP’s finding it exhausting. DSS can’t follow instructions as he gets distracted - he has to be asked to do things ten times and even then it doesn’t get done properly. He operates at a hundred miles a minute, needs constant stimulation and/or input from adults or his siblings/step siblings. If he’s bored he will manipulate the younger children into playing how he likes to play, which involves lots of high energy (eg play fighting) and often ends with them hurt and him being told off. He’s also a total fantasist and will swear blind that something happened when it didn’t, or that he’s entirely innocent in a situation rather than take responsibility. He likes to be in control of games and will either manipulate or boss the younger ones about until they do things his way, which frustrates them and often ends up in an argument. He’s also very quick to tell them what to do and how to behave but has no self-awareness of his own behaviour or that the way he acts causes them to react as they do. He loses things constantly, is incredibly messy and will create absolute chaos in seconds. He also has next to no sense of safety - eg he’ll make an egg and then leave the hob on with the pan on it; he flooded the kitchen because he forgot to turn the tap off despite being stood next to the sink the whole time, etc etc. He also perceives himself as the victim in every single situation and can be very combative; the majority of interactions with DP end up in an argument (eg DP will ask him to put his shoes on, he’ll go off and do something else, DP will ask him again, he’ll start listing all the reasons it’s not his fault that he hasn’t done it and then it escalates from there). He wants to be treated like a 10 year old but needs the input level of a much younger child, which also leads to arguments as he just can’t see why DP won’t let him do the stuff he wants to do (eg he wants to be allowed to walk to the shop on his own but he has no awareness of road safety, stranger danger, etc so it’s just not possible, nor will it be in the forseeable future).
DP is a brilliant dad, does the vast majority of the hands on parenting for DSS (and DSD), sets consistent boundaries, keeps his patience 99% of the time, has endless time for the children, tries to go down the teaching route rather than punishments, but he’s at his wit’s end. As he says, nothing makes a difference - he’ll have a big heart to heart about why DSS shouldn’t do x or y, DSS will nod along and then five seconds later do the exact same thing again. Every time DP does something nice for DSS, he seems to see it as an opportunity to push boundaries and it sends his behaviour spiralling. In DP’s own words, he uses 90% of his energy just on managing DSS and it leaves nothing left over for anything else. As he says, he wants to be able to have a ‘normal’ relationship with and do nice things with DSS but it just seems to turn into a battleground every time. He’s knackered and frustrated and I want to support them both but I feel helpless.
I know it sounds like I’ve just had a massive dig at DSS but I genuinely think he’s a wonderful child, he has so many lovely qualities but they end up overshadowed because he’s so impulsive he just ends up getting himself into situations where he becomes the bad guy. I really really want to avoid a scapegoat situation where DSS ends up feeling like he can’t do anything right but at the moment it feels a bit impossible! We have 4 other children between us and they’re all pretty low stress and I know DSS resents the fact that he’s treated differently - but he can’t seem to see that he’s treated differently because he acts differently. He is treated exactly the same in terms of love, time, etc but as an example, washing up after dinner on weeknights is his job, for which he gets pocket money - it often takes him two hours to wash a handful of plates (and even then it’s done badly) and then he complains he’s not had as much play time as the others.
Sorry this has got soooo long but does anyone have any words of wisdom, starting points to look at for strategies or advice that might help, experiences to share with what worked for them - anything?! I want to do right by him, he’s had a hard time and I really don’t want to make him feel like the bad guy, but I also feel awful for DP as it’s really hard on him. Any constructive advice would be very appreciated!