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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend’s wedding

20 replies

Bex268 · 01/01/2023 22:31

I love my friend dearly and she is a wonderful kind caring person and I’m delighted to be her maid of honour but unfortunately it’s starting to cause me quite a lot of anxiety surrounding my little boy and financially too.

my little boy is 3 and I’ve never spent one night away from him. He’s autistic and requires lots of additional love and care particularly at bedtime. I agreed to go to my friend’s three nights hen party but the closer it gets, the more it worries me.

i am the only one with a child and I’m the oldest in the bridal party. The wedding is away and I’ll need to spend two nights there and my son is not invited 😔 no children are.

my husband will be able to take care of him and will only come to the wedding for a couple of hours as getting people to babysit for a large amount of time is not easy.

the financial aspect is also causing huge stress. It doesn’t seem to be noted that I have less money from working part time and additional outgoings. Hen is 400 and accommodation at venue is 200 a night. There’s the gift too of course.

i know I need to suck it up but I wish that there could be a bit of appreciation for how hard this is going to be for us as a family but there’s none.

OP posts:

Ansumpasty · 01/01/2023 22:33

You wouldn’t be unreasonable to not go on the 3 day hen. I wouldn’t!

KarmaStar · 01/01/2023 22:43

Don't go on the hen party and explain why.
If she is a good friend she will understand.
Also,but only what you can afford as a gift or if you do any crafts could you make them a gift?
Don't let this cause you any more worry it simply isn't worth it.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/01/2023 22:49

No appreciation from whom? What has your bf said when you said you can't afford 400 for the hen or to be away 3 nights or 400 for the wedding or to be away for 2 nights?

Could you arrive on the morning for the hen so you drop a night's sleepover? Why are you sleeping over two nights for the wedding?

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/01/2023 22:56

Have you told her it’s a struggle financially? Her assuming you couldn’t afford it might come across very patronising unprompted. You didn’t have to accept, you still don’t have to go. Presumably as her MOH you were influential in planning the hen do and the costs?

I wouldn’t go on a 3 day hen for anyone and wouldn’t feel bad saying so. Which is why I’d never have planned or agreed to it.

When is it? If you don’t go you can’t cost the others more but you can save what you’d have spent on food, transport, inevitable extras.

Why do you have to be away for 2 nights for the wedding?

MajorCarolDanvers · 01/01/2023 22:59

i know I need to suck it up but I wish that there could be a bit of appreciation for how hard this is going to be for us as a family but there’s none.

You do NOT need to suck it up.

Back out of the hen for parenting / cost reasons and just attend the wedding.

Is there no way to cut the wedding back to just one night.

Your friend is being unreasonable to have these ridiculous expectations of you.

cowsaysmoo · 01/01/2023 23:01

I wouldn't go for three nights to a hen do. I have 2dc and wouldn't feel comfortable leaving them (have in the past), so completely understand your concerns.
Generally I think it's quite cheeky to expect people to go away for hen DOS / stag dos (unless it's been discussed and everyone can easily afford)., especially in the current economics and soaring prices.
Can you go only for one night for the wedding?
If she's your best friend, she should understand and shouldn't be upset. Or you will know if she really is a best friend or not (bitter words as this happened to me).

Try to enjoy your friend's wedding as much as you can in the way it makes you comfortable.

LovePoppy · 01/01/2023 23:01

You don’t need to suck it up.

but neither does your friend need to fawn over you for making decisions.

Shes made her choices, now you make yours. Unless you’ve told her you can’t afford it, and she’s insisting you do it all, YABU. Your finances are none of her business.

gettingolderandgrumpier · 01/01/2023 23:16

No you have a choice go or don’t , explain the reasons and a good friend will understand.
if you choose to go then yabu to expect some sort of appreciation if you don’t explain it’s causing a huge amount of stress . I’ve been on hen weekends of course not everyone invited can go for a variety of reasons as I have had to decline invitations too . You need to decide through op you have given reasons why it’s not possible financially and practically so say so .

CantFindTheBeat · 01/01/2023 23:18

What would your ideal outcome be, OP?

Woahtherehoney · 01/01/2023 23:38

Yeah please explain to the bride. I was a bridesmaid for my best friend and couldn’t go to her hen that was abroad because I couldn’t afford it due to having to pay out for a few things including an op for my DSS - I look after him a lot too and have responsibilities the other bridesmaids didn’t. She totally understood and was amazing about it - just be honest that you don’t feel comfortable about the hen and see what other options you have x

TheSandgroper · 02/01/2023 02:34

Never, ever be embarrassed to say you can’t afford a piss up. And never, ever be embarrassed say you have responsibilities so your arrangements will be managed to fit those responsibilities.

Like the song says “walk tall, walk straight and look the world right in the eye”.

lovemelongtime · 02/01/2023 09:23

No you don't need to "suck it up". It's a hen do and you have a choice. If she's a good friend she will understand you can't afford it. Goodness, brides expect far too much.

drpet49 · 02/01/2023 09:25

£400 for the hen. £400 for 2 nights at the hotel. Sod that, there is no way I would pay it either.

midnightfirework · 02/01/2023 09:27

i know I need to suck it up but I wish that there could be a bit of appreciation for how hard this is going to be for us as a family but there’s none. what sort of appreciation do you want? Presumably she's asking you and if you say no she'd be ok with that? What more do you want? If you don't go to the hen do and she's like fair enough totally understand is that OK for you? Or are you expecting her to change her plans for you?

midnightfirework · 02/01/2023 09:29

lovemelongtime · 02/01/2023 09:23

No you don't need to "suck it up". It's a hen do and you have a choice. If she's a good friend she will understand you can't afford it. Goodness, brides expect far too much.

She hasn't expected it though as far as we know? OP hasn't declined the invitation to fancy Hen do. We need more info to decide I think.

Harliegh · 02/01/2023 11:39

You shouldn't have agreed to do something that you can't afford to.

FromTheFront2theBack · 02/01/2023 11:42

i know I need to suck it up but I wish that there could be a bit of appreciation for how hard this is going to be for us as a family but there’s none.

I don't think you do need to suck it up to be honest. I think you should be explicit with your friend. You love her dearly and it's important to you to be part of her day but you can only offer certain amounts of time and money (decide what you can reasonably offer without it seriously impactung your family and make it clear this is all you can do). If she'd prefer to choose a different maid of honour then you should graciously accept that.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/01/2023 12:24

I think what’s unclear is whether you were part of the planning of the hen do. I’ve been a bridesmaid loads of times and always involved with planning the hen, do a greater or lesser extent depending on what the bride wanted. It seems unlikely other people planned the time, activity and cost while you had no idea until it was announced to you.

You don’t say anything significant has changed in between the planning and now so either you agreed to it and are now having regrets - fair enough but potentially annoying and disappointing for the bride and any others who’ll end up subsidising the cost of you ducking out - or you were never involved at all - which seems odd but possible and then it’s easier for you to now decline but do it sooner rather than later as it will affect other people.

As I said, I wouldn’t have agreed to it in the first place and if I was invited to something like this I’d have declined straight away. But how reasonable you are to duck out now depends on how things got to this point.

Lkydfju · 02/01/2023 12:31

Maybe the bride does appreciate it but doesn’t want to be patronising or embarrass you; one of my bridesmaid was in a similar situation to you financially when I got married and I would have completely understood if she had said you couldn’t afford the hen do but I felt that by saying something to her it would have embarrassed her (perhaps I was wrong on reflection) although my hen do was nearer £200.
As I’m sure you remember when you got married there’s so much to think about when organising a wedding that you can’t think about everyone’s individual circumstances and solve their problems for them; you just accommodate the solutions they come up with.

SoInLuv · 09/12/2023 22:44

Explain to her your situation and if she's a good friend she will understand.

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