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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to deal with jealous parent.

17 replies

GuinnessLover · 01/01/2023 20:15

I'm in my 30s and have one child aged 4. Get on with both of my parents. Parent A is single and lives alone about 45 mins away from me. Parent B is in a new relationship (with a friend of mine, I set them up), and lives a 5 min drive from me. Naturally I spend a lot more time with parent B because they live a lot closer so it's possible to stop by after nursery run, drop in for a lunch break coffee etc and can go for movie nights/takeaway and have a short taxi drive home if I want to have a drink, or just drive home if I haven't close to my child's bed time.

Parent A I see roughly once every 1-2 weeks. Parent A makes it clear that they are jealous and asks loads of questions that they don't need to know the answer to about parent Bs new partner (my parents have been separated for 27 years). I'm finding myself hiding that I've been spending time with parent B and their partner, as parent A is clearly threatened by it and obviously doesn't like that parent B is in a relationship with someone I am very close to.

I'll add that I love both of my parents but I am much closer to parent B because we have more in common. I also struggle when I visit parent A as they just want to sit around drinking tea all afternoon and I get so bored. There's nothing wrong with patent A, we're just very different.

How do I manage this? It's starting to drive me nuts, and I feel obliged to spend more time with parent A, but the reality is I actually want to spend more time with parent B because we just get on better.

AIB harsh on parent A?

OP posts:
Original poster
GuinnessLover · 01/01/2023 20:32

I'll also add that parent B pops in quite a lot but parent A hasn't been to see me once in the last 6 months..

OP posts:
Mrsphilmiller · 01/01/2023 20:45

i think it’s very natural to feel what parent A is feeling and i think maybe you could make more effort to visit them.

Original poster
GuinnessLover · 01/01/2023 20:47

Mrsphilmiller · 01/01/2023 20:45

i think it’s very natural to feel what parent A is feeling and i think maybe you could make more effort to visit them.

It's difficult though because I can't go during the week and also can't take one day out of my weekend every weekend to visit as I often have plans. My child is in nursery 7:30-5:30 every day so it's too far to go on a weekday, hence why it's every 1-2 weeks.

OP posts:
dandelionthistle · 01/01/2023 20:51

Tricky. I can't help feeling confused by how very close you are with parent B, but maybe that reflects my own lack of close relationship with a parent (def not setting my family up as an example of healthy relationships!) rather than any actual issue with yours.

Only seeing parent A once every 1-2 weeks is not unusually infrequent, especially if the travel always falls to you...

Original poster
GuinnessLover · 01/01/2023 20:52

dandelionthistle · 01/01/2023 20:51

Tricky. I can't help feeling confused by how very close you are with parent B, but maybe that reflects my own lack of close relationship with a parent (def not setting my family up as an example of healthy relationships!) rather than any actual issue with yours.

Only seeing parent A once every 1-2 weeks is not unusually infrequent, especially if the travel always falls to you...

We're just really close. Do a lot of stuff together. Like the same music. Go to gigs together. Etc etc. I'm not sure that's too abnormal?

OP posts:
Original poster
GuinnessLover · 01/01/2023 20:55

Also, driving 45 mins with a 4yo regularly is a pain because they fall asleep in the car then it's impossible to get them to sleep at bedtime. Not making excuses, it just adds to it. I will admit it does annoy me that parent A doesn't ever come to visit me even though they're perfectly capable.

OP posts:
GoldenCagedBird · 01/01/2023 20:57

What is the age difference/dynamic between your parent and your friend/their boyfriend or girlfriend?0

The fact that you set your parent up with a mate of yours is bloody odd to me, however long your parents have been separated. Parent A probably finds this even odder. I can only imagine how parent A feels about this and this may contribute to jealous feelings amongst everything else.

MoirasSaggyBundles · 01/01/2023 20:58

Parent A needs to grow up and get a life. They've been separated for 27 years! Does he/she feel that they are being muscled out of their grandparent status by Parent B's partner, who is already your close friend, and presumably sees your child more than Parent A does? What is stopping Parent A from being more engaged with you? Do they expect you to do all the running in your relationship? Or do you simply not get on, in which case any increase in them making an effort to see you more would be fruitless?

ICanDoIt23 · 01/01/2023 21:05

How old is your friend? I’m reading it as parent B is your father and your mother is jealous of the potential close relationship of you and your friend drifting into a mother/daughter relationship and supplanting her. Obviously if your friend is closer to your age that’s less likely (but weirder that you’d set them up!!).

Original poster
GuinnessLover · 01/01/2023 21:07

GoldenCagedBird · 01/01/2023 20:57

What is the age difference/dynamic between your parent and your friend/their boyfriend or girlfriend?0

The fact that you set your parent up with a mate of yours is bloody odd to me, however long your parents have been separated. Parent A probably finds this even odder. I can only imagine how parent A feels about this and this may contribute to jealous feelings amongst everything else.

I'm in my 30s and she is in her 50s. I knew they'd get on. They were both single so I set them up in a very casual way. They are great together and it doesn't bother me. I'm very happy for them. I wouldn't have avoided this situation simply to avoid upsetting my mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
GuinnessLover · 01/01/2023 21:10

MoirasSaggyBundles · 01/01/2023 20:58

Parent A needs to grow up and get a life. They've been separated for 27 years! Does he/she feel that they are being muscled out of their grandparent status by Parent B's partner, who is already your close friend, and presumably sees your child more than Parent A does? What is stopping Parent A from being more engaged with you? Do they expect you to do all the running in your relationship? Or do you simply not get on, in which case any increase in them making an effort to see you more would be fruitless?

My child doesn't spend a huge amount of time with my dad's new partner (think the sexes of oarebt A and B are fairly obvious!). They don't live together as it is early days. My mum just likes being at home and has never really come to visit me. It's always been the status quo that I go there which I would like to change. We get on fine but not super close. Just a normal relationship.

OP posts:
MoirasSaggyBundles · 01/01/2023 21:15

Has your mum had any relationships? Has she always been jealous of your dad's relationships? Do you shut down the questioning - his relationships are none of her business, after all?

Original poster
GuinnessLover · 01/01/2023 21:18

MoirasSaggyBundles · 01/01/2023 21:15

Has your mum had any relationships? Has she always been jealous of your dad's relationships? Do you shut down the questioning - his relationships are none of her business, after all?

I don't tell her anything! Just that I set my dad up and it seems to be working out, that I'm happy for him etc. My rule is that I don't tell anyone anything the other person probably wouldn't want them to know.

OP posts:
LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 01/01/2023 21:18

GuinnessLover · 01/01/2023 20:55

Also, driving 45 mins with a 4yo regularly is a pain because they fall asleep in the car then it's impossible to get them to sleep at bedtime. Not making excuses, it just adds to it. I will admit it does annoy me that parent A doesn't ever come to visit me even though they're perfectly capable.

Do you invite them over? If you haven't for a while maybe try reaching out telling them you'd love to see them more and inviting them over, suggest every fortnight they could come to yours for lunch or something, meet for a picnic half way, Skype them with DD, suggest some other ways to have more contact in a way that works for your family.

Original poster
GuinnessLover · 01/01/2023 21:20

MoirasSaggyBundles · 01/01/2023 21:15

Has your mum had any relationships? Has she always been jealous of your dad's relationships? Do you shut down the questioning - his relationships are none of her business, after all?

And no not really but she is jealous that he has a bigger house and can afford for us to go out together etc which I have assured her makes no difference whatsoever re how much I love them both. I also have very little money. She has had relationships but none in a few years.

OP posts:
Original poster
GuinnessLover · 01/01/2023 21:21

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 01/01/2023 21:18

Do you invite them over? If you haven't for a while maybe try reaching out telling them you'd love to see them more and inviting them over, suggest every fortnight they could come to yours for lunch or something, meet for a picnic half way, Skype them with DD, suggest some other ways to have more contact in a way that works for your family.

Show quote history

Mum facetimes with my child more or less every day so we are in regular contact. It's not like we don't talk/communicate etc. It's a lot but my child loves talking to her and it's become a bit of a routine. It's nice as I can cook dinner whilst they chat!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/01/2023 21:25

I think you need to grey rock your Mum over that particular issue. Find a phrase to close down her complaints and use it.

"I love you both, stop making it a competition" something along those lines.

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