Why do women give so much of themselves?

[Angeldelight81]

I read some of the threads on here, and I honestly waver between thinking this something wrong with me because I genuinely would not entertain some of the situations I read about and being absolutely flabbergasted at some of the situations that people are in. Paying partners bills etc, how the fuck does it come to this and how do we make sure it doesn’t happen to our daughters ?

Because women are conditioned to put themselves last. Believing there are medals for being “a good girl”, women compete to be as virtuous and morally pure as possible. There are no medals; fix your own oxygen mask first

I actually remember saying exactly that about the oxygen mask about seven years ago when I’ve been pushed to a nervous breakdown by the court system and X. The number of women, I assume they were women that were on Mumsnet. That piled on to me calling me all the names under the sun was mind blowing.

Do you have some context? Particular thread? My partner has paid my bills for a while when I lost my job and I would do the same for him

Boiled frog mostly with a big dose of “be kind!” And sometimes a bit of dysfunctional childhood or gaslighting from the partner thrown in. Nobody is offered a relationship based on “please move in and pay all my bills” but it gradually gets to that point and each step towards it feels like a “be kind, you’re in this together, this isnt the hill to die on…” moment rather than a “LTB” moment. Also sunken costs fallacy (I’ve invested too much to let this go now) and sometimes a power dynamic involved. Like “he’s letting me live in his nice house and I don’t own a home so I should contribute more”.

I agree with this. And at some point along that journey you also start to realise that your sunk costs are huge, which provides more ammunition for the "stick with it" devil on your shoulder.

I dont really understand the paying the bills comment. There is often one partner in a relationship who earns significantly more so pays for significantly more of the bills. In my marriage that's my husband. One of my friends earnt much more than her husband so he is now a sahd whilst she works and pays all of the bills, that was a desicion they made together.

I'm kind of in this situation but also not. Definitely not money wise.

But I do wounder do some of us get sucked in by our mother instinct to look after others. Then we suffer when no one looks after us. And they don't seem to give a fuck.

But nobody should be paying anybody’s bills, should they ? Especially not if you’re not legally married, no joint kids etc. There is a specific couple of threads that I’ve got in mind, but I don’t think it’s within the guidelines to link them.

Surely it is a case of well, you ended up in a situation which pushed you to a nervous breakdown with a man and the court system, so not that hard to see how other women also end up in situations which you find flabbergasting?

I don’t know your situation but zoom out from the personal and we have a social structure which has long placed higher value on men’s needs, where women are expected to be the caring and nurturing ones, and where the power structures are hierarchical in gender and class lines (and racially too). This effects women in different ways, and the best thing we can do when we see other women in difficult situations is to be sympathetic and supportive and not think ‘that would never happen to me’.

As to how we teach our daughters to avoid these situations, I don’t know, align our own behaviours and beliefs I guess is a good starting point.

A huge amount of it is conditioning and upbringing. I would also say a massive part of it is other women. Whenever a woman steps out of line and say isn't nice, doesn't take shit, doesn't care about marrying a man or having children, then other women immediately jump to tell her she's wrong. She's lonely, she's bitter, she's not classy, she's not kind.

Yes this, you said it better than me.

If he's a SAHD then presumably he's contributing to the household in non-financial ways.

If you are married then you have promised to stand by each other "in sickness and in health" etc. so yes, that would mean helping them out in the event of redundancy or ill health. Obviously if they're taking the piss that's different.

There are a few active threads now in AIBU where women are with cocklodgers.

I’d link them but then this becomes a TAAT.

In the current threads, the men are taking the piss.

No good deed seems to go unpunished. Reading these threads the poor bastard doing the supporting seems to be rewarded by being cheated on, blamed for the situation, just an observation.

It makes me sad what some people put up with, and by role modelling it’s acceptable to be with someone’s who’s as much use a chocolate tea pot just shows another generation it’s acceptable

I haven't read the threads you refer to, though I remember a recent one where the OP's boyfriend had quit his job, handed his notice in on his rental, and was trying to scrounge money to go to a funeral.

The OP had been warned on a previous thread about the red flags but it seemed that the advice to give him a one-way ticket and change the locks was going similarly unheeded.

I do think that is the one thing I am in Starling in my daughter, says when somebody shows you who they are listen

• installing

100%. A competition to be the most hard done by, the purest and most selfless. Imagine men doing this. As if!
If something isn’t helpful to you, have a think about whether men do this. If they don't, stop doing it.
Embrace selfishness in 2023. I’m selfish. I take care of myself so no one else has to worry about me. As far as possible I do whatever I want. I try really hard to put others’ moral standards out of my mind; they aren’t my rules.

Social conditioning is very strong and many women and girls never even notice it so they can’t fight against it. Also, sadly, as pp has said, strong policing by other women.

I never give more to others than they give to me, nor do I ever give more than I can willingly and freely give without it being to my own detriment. I’ve never had any time for martyrdom games and I never, ever play along with them.

I make a point always to try to get women to think about themselves as equals, not creatures of lesser importance whose needs/wants/preferences come last to absolutely everyone else’s.

It can be really depressing reading some of the stories on here. I don't know why women put up with low standards and dickhead men. Maybe because they do (massive generalisation) most of the child care and take on that responsibility. It makes us vulnerable and open to manipulation and empty promises.