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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To dislike playdates and not to offer when mum's don't reciprocate?

24 replies

Snowwhite83 · 01/01/2023 18:24

So I have to say I really dislike hosting playdates. The prep , having to look after younger children (my son's friends under 5) and make sure they are having a nice time and entertain the many demands from my 6 year olds friends and then clearing up all the crap afterwards.
I hosted a playdate today and the mum said thank you very nicely but rather than offering to have my son back (Ive had hers twice or three times now) she said just drop him over whenever which really annoys me as I know they don't mean it. Also for context they have a large house and live down our road so I'm pretty sure it's not concerns about having space etc. Plus she's had my son there before. I don't expect all playdates to be reciprocated (I do it for my kids) but would rather she said nothing than say drop him round whenever which really feels like a bollocks statement? And we aren't actual friends so I could do so. AIBU?

OP posts:

Confitofduckand · 01/01/2023 18:27

I would get out of this non-reciprocal arrangement. The kids can play together at school.

NeedToChangeName · 01/01/2023 18:29

We always had a rule that the children tidied up together before the visitor left

And I preferred to host, so didn't mind if it wasn't reciprocated so much

But, if you're not so keen on hosting, then it's fine to only host for people who invite your child back. Just be aware that if you have an only child, playdates may be more important to you / your child than to the guest, if they have siblings / other children

Motelschmotel · 01/01/2023 18:30

YABU!

Why in earth are you prepping for a play date? Why do you feel compelled to entertain and ensure the child is having a nice time? Why are you clearing up after? The other mother is bang on - at that age, with someone living on your road, you text in the morning and say “does Ollie want to come over after lunch today?” or “Rahul’s asking if Ollie’s around, I’ve got stuff to do any chance they can play at yours today?” and that’s it. You open the front door, let them go to whichever bedroom/playroom, set ground rules like not in my bedroom/ no playing on the stairs etc - and that’s it. Offer water and a snack at some point. Give warning when 20 mins to go to pick up, at 19 mins to go you say “time to tidy up!” and church then along in picking up all their crap and putting it away.

It’s supposed to be fun for your DC and liberate you. Not a chore!

Motelschmotel · 01/01/2023 18:31

*10 mins to go
*chivvy them along

🙄

Whydidimarrythis · 01/01/2023 18:31

So, she’s had your DS once and you’ve had hers 2-3 times. She offered to have yours but you don’t believe her because she didn’t nail down a date and time on the spot? You sound a bit paranoid tbh. Yeah, YABU. When it’s actually not reciprocated for no good reason then I’d agree with you but she’s had your DS before and offered to have them again. This isn’t an unreciprocated arrangement, this is you being ridiculous.

ZiriForEver · 01/01/2023 18:33

*she said just drop him over whenever
*

maybe just do it? Message her and suggest you'd drop DC on a specific day. If it doesn't work for them, ask which would.

Original poster

Snowwhite83 · 01/01/2023 18:43

Hi all thanks for your responses, sounds like I'm being a bit uptight about it but to the posters saying just to leave them to play I'm not sure I'm comfortable doing this with four year olds who get upset and are so little. I try to stay out of it but they then come and hassle me and I'm not ok with leaving young ones unattended for long periods. Think I'm going to pull back and stop putting so much effort in.

OP posts:

Dacadactyl · 01/01/2023 18:45

I agree with you OP. I hate having other kids to my house to play, with a vengeance.

I certainly wouldn't have this kid over again.

GettingStuffed · 01/01/2023 18:46

It depends on why they can't reciprocate, for instance DD lives ( currently) with her gran who had dementia so she can't have extra children around her, it took a couple of months before she accepted DGS

girlmom21 · 01/01/2023 18:47

Take her at her word and drop him off one day. If you don't feel comfortable just turning up, text and say "I'll be round with DS in 10"

Favouritefruits · 01/01/2023 18:51

Maybe your son was a pain, I have a lovely school mum friend she’s brilliant and very lovely but her son who I thought was nice turned out to be a nasty violet Individual I will not have him in my house again for the safety of my youngest but I wouldn’t tell her the reason for fear of upsetting her, she really is lovely.

NoSquirrels · 01/01/2023 18:52

If this parent has reciprocated a play date in the past, then why do you think they don’t mean it this time?

Next time you’re chatting on the school run, say ‘What days are good for you guys for play dates?’ And go from there.

NuffSaidSam · 01/01/2023 18:54

YANBU to not like hosting playdates, I don't think anyone actively likes it.

But it's something you do for your kids sake and therefore whether or not it's reciprocated shouldn't really factor in unless it's actively upsetting your child to not be invited back. It's not really about the mum politics, it's for the kids.

If the children are too young to play nicely together and are likely to be upset then they are too young for that kind of playdate and you need to either ask the parent to stay or meet somewhere like park/softplay. Or leave it and wait until they're older.

Playdates shouldn't require a huge amount of prep or work on your behalf.

YouJustDoYou · 01/01/2023 18:59

We don't do playdates (I have three under 10). After some horrible experiences of children immediately rifling through our personal belongings, demanding entry to private locked areas then being rude when denied, opening drawers and rummaging through everything, and pulling our kids toys off the shelf and straight all over the floor without asking etc, my kids themselves hate having most other children over apart from one or two very proven-trustworthy friends. The last straw was when one of them climbed up to reach a shelf that had our deceased babies possessions on to start grabbing at everything (these are 6 year olds) and helping themselves to whatever they wanted and basically just running riot with no respect for our things. And the screeching - the constant manic loud screeching and screaming, my kids just couldn't stand it. So, don't blame you for not liking it!

Phos · 01/01/2023 19:00

I don't mind playdates but I wish ours were more like yours. My daughter is 5 and playdates seem to involve the mother coming along too. The kids playing together is fine, having to sit and socialise with their mother not so much.

nancydroo · 01/01/2023 19:04

YANBU the kids play at school and clubs. I don't do play dates

Inclusivechurch · 01/01/2023 19:04

I love play dates! I’m hosting one tomorrow deliberately (my DD is 5) because the two of them go off and play together and hopefully leave me and the baby in peace 😂. It’s like free entertainment for her as otherwise I’d have to entertain her myself 😂. The mum isn’t staying, so no prep required, they are 5 so I don’t really bother tidying up (although my house is already presentable) but I would if the mum was coming. I just make sure I have some snacks in to chuck at them when they ask, and extra fish fingers for lunch - job done.

redskydelight · 01/01/2023 19:29

I thought the point of playdates was to entertain you own child. And what prep do you need to do? Also, make the children tidy up before the guest goes home. They should be very little work for you.

I'm not precisely sure why the answer to "drop him round whenever" is not just to do that, or reply with "next Thursday afternoon would be great thanks".

mishmased · 01/01/2023 23:39

Favouritefruits · 01/01/2023 18:51

Ha I have one like this. Lovely mum but the son needs to be constantly supervised. No jumping on the beds, no jumping down from the bunk beds, no sliding down the stair rails etc. So I decline play dates or don't offer to host. Problem is said child has been asking for a while now, we have a 19 month old and I was hoping to have him when she started childcare but unfortunately she has been constantly unwell which meant I cannot have him as I'm unable to supervise properly

I'm hoping to take him to the cinema after school when hopefully baby is at childminder because I feel so bad now.

mishmased · 01/01/2023 23:40

@Snowwhite83 not saying your child is like that though. And he's almost 10 so not even under 5.

mackthepony · 02/01/2023 00:06

It's just more trouble having play dates at your home.

Meet at a park instead : that way you can decide when to leave!

SoSweetAndSalty · 02/01/2023 00:11

You are overthinking this.

Don't prep, don't give them to much attention, get them all to tidy up. Short play dates are a great idea.

Harliegh · 02/01/2023 02:10

I never used to do play dates so they would be offered back. I'd do them because I wanted to. But she's told you to drop him round, you've chosen not to believe her! That's on you.

Merlott · 02/01/2023 02:23

4 is too young imo.

My DS is only recently able to cope with having a friend over unsupervised, he's nearly 6. Depends on the friend too!

You just have to stand over them and force them to tidy up. Not sure why you're not doing that tbh.

And text the other mum a day and time when you want to drop off your DS! Take her up on the offer.

Flip