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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Expect a 5 year old to wash himself

25 replies

whev · 01/01/2023 17:18

DS is 5 and I think it’s about time he started washing himself with soap, just his body. He won’t be left unattended or anything just more independent.

DS flat out refuses to touch soap or himself when asked and screams about it (he is more than happy to play with soap if making a potion or whatever). Because he has such a melt down about it DH has said he’s not ready to wash himself. And I said that’s ridiculous if he can wipe his bum after he poops he can wash himself in the bath.

When it came to learning to wipe his bum we had to leave him on the toilet while I cried about not wanting to do it. Did it once and he doesn’t complain about it anymore (at least when I’m home, he will still refuse with DP) and is exactly the same with getting himself dressed.

AIBU to think it’s about time he learns to wash himself even if I just let him sit in the bath until he does so or is it worth waiting even longer?

He is very lazy as in will sit on the other side of the sofa to the iPad and have a tantrum when I refuse to leave the kitchen to hand him the iPad.

OP posts:

Original poster

whev · 01/01/2023 17:19

While *he cried

OP posts:

Wardrobemalfunction22 · 01/01/2023 17:20

Sounds like its about power & control, not laziness. Make it fun and see if he joins in more.

Excited101 · 01/01/2023 17:22

Crikey! What a palava, just give him the soap and tell him to get on with it? Why’s it waited until he’s 5?! Surely most LO are given soap/sponge/flannel from tiny to rub around their body’s.

NosyNeighbour22 · 01/01/2023 17:22

My 5 year olds main priority in the bath is playtime but he will wash himself when I give him a washcloth with soap on it, usually it’s when he has already said he wants to come out and I will tell him okay, just get washed first.
He is the same as your DS with his dad, won’t get himself dressed or wipe because he knows his dad will do it for him but does it find when he’s with me!

Thatiswild · 01/01/2023 17:22

Could you get him a special flannel or body wash or something to make it seem like a ‘grown up’ he’s ready for it thing? Worked for me.

OhBitchPeas · 01/01/2023 17:23

I have several boys and they were older than that before they successfully and happily washed themselves.

Don't worry, when they are in their teens they don't need any help.

Help the poor lad, 5 is so little.

ratatattatt · 01/01/2023 17:23

Yeah, back off a bit. Of course he probably CAN do it but if he doesn't want to for whatever reason maybe try to find out why (sensory? Wants the time with you?) and agree with PP make it more fun and rewarding for him to start doing it than not doing it. Maybe start with him just washing one foot or something. If he resists completely just wait. He'll get there.

Reugny · 01/01/2023 17:25

One thing I learnt in rl from being around kids and reinforced by MN is to start them young. Also in rl a bit of peer pressure helps.

So my DD started to learn to put soap on herself at about 20 months. Clearly she was useless at it but now at 4 she can do it. Next challenge is to get her to rinse it off properly...

Oh and her bum wiping is still terrible.

In your case you may have to use reward charts to get him to do things. Then once he's master a particular task change it to something else.

ShakespearesBlister · 01/01/2023 17:25

Shower gel instead of soap in a fun bottle or pump he can use himself?

WhatDoYouWantNow · 01/01/2023 17:29

He's already established himself as the lead person in the household.

Buy some bubble bath/shower gel, put it in the bath/on a sponge, tell him he must clean himself or he won't be watching his programme/going out/having his iPad that day.

Children need rules and boundaries (so that they can push them), but you have to make the rules and stick to them.

SkylightSkylight · 01/01/2023 17:29

It's not a hill I'd choose..they don't do a good enough job (IMO) so I'd just do it, it's takes barely any time or energy.

but there's NO WAY he'd be calling me to pass him the iPad. Any fuss & he wouldn't be allowed it.

As long as he can wipe properly & wash his hands properly for school I'd leave DH to pander to him if he wants to but he'd be under no illusion I wouldn't.

pizzazze · 01/01/2023 17:32

Children do need rules and boundaries but children are also different to each other and while one child will respond well to a form clear kind boundary around washing themselves, another will not. You have to decide which boundaries are worth really fighting for and this genuinely isn't one of them. If he's got sensory problems then being rigid with a boundary will not help. If he's a strong willed child then exerting more power over him will not help - let him feel in control. If hes craving the time or physical contact with you then being strict will not help. Etc etc.

olympicsrock · 01/01/2023 17:35

I think stop pandering to him. Reward chart for washing and dressing himself.

No iPad if he plays up or won’t get it. Get a few stock phrases like

I don’t want to hear that noise - when he moans for no reason.
I’m counting to ten and if you haven’t done … this will happen
I’m not asking you, I’m telling you… if he ignores please will you?
What does mummy mean when mummy says no?
Remind him what the consequences will be

jtaeapa · 01/01/2023 17:38

Just give him a quick wash over. It’ll take one minute to help him. No big deal. He wont want you washing him when he’s 16. Why don’t you just let it evolve naturally?

I am not trying to be nasty, but your strategy of crying about not wanting to wipe his bum is emotional manipulation isn’t it? Again he won’t want you wiping it at 16.

there is no rush with this stuff. Apart from society and judgement.

I washed my ds and wiped his bum when he was 5. He’s 16 now. Do you really think I still do it?!

Vallmo47 · 01/01/2023 17:52

I also think back off a bit because anything you make a battle is easily transformed into an all right war. Pick your hills to die on basically.
The suggestion of getting a soap with a pump is a good one - making it fun and you doing it without pressure might make him want to test the pump out for himself.

Original poster

whev · 01/01/2023 18:45

We made him learn to do his bum because he’s at school now and the day he pooped at school he was too embarrassed to tell anyone, sat in the toilet and cried then just didn’t wipe him bum the entire day - very evident by the stains all over his pants. He didn’t want to ask a teacher to do it so we didn’t really have a choice in teaching him to wipe himself. For those of you saying he’s too young to wipe his bum - having shit on your underpants for 4 hours is worse I think.

and in regards to the iPad I never get it but he’ll do the same about getting a piece of paper out of the drawer when he’s sat next to it and simply reasons it by he doesn’t want to move to get it - to which I respond looks like you aren’t playing it then.

he always washed himself party when he was younger but then we had another baby and had to force bath time together as he refused and screamed that it’s too scary to have a bath with someone else - he loves it now and is his favourite part when they get to bath together. But in the transitional period of changing the bath time I just washed him because he wound just scream in the bath and has since refused to do it.
I give his younger brother a cloth and he’ll just play with it so I wash him as well.

thank you for everyone’s helpful suggestions - we will get a fun soap and something to clean himself with to encourage it.

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Marcipex · 16/01/2023 10:05

I wouldn’t expect a five-year-old to manage adequately, but would expect them to have a go and have been doing it for a while actually.
I think you need to gradually get him to do a little bit more by himself, as he isn’t responding very well.

If a five year old screamed at me to fetch the iPad, or anything else for that matter, I would remove it as a sanction and remind them of their manners.

Goldbar · 16/01/2023 10:43

Do they actually need all that much washing at that age?! Doesn't just sitting and playing in a soapy bath largely do the trick?

I'm all for encouraging independence and we also have a new baby and 5yo so we're having a big push on some aspects of this - getting dressed (DC still moans about doing their socks and buttons), packing the schoolbag, fetching a drink of water themselves rather than moaning for me to do it, putting shoes on immediately when asked, hanging coat and uniform up when back from school. But bath time isn't something I'd really make a fuss about. I tend to run the bath, dump DC in with some toys, wash hair and bum quickly, put bubble bath in (which DC loves) and then leave DC to play while I feed the baby in the opposite room so I can hear DC playing. It's not like they actually get that sweaty or dirty at that age.

On the basis that this isn't an urgent one for right now, I'd just ask him 'Do you want to wash round or shall I?'. Eventually he'll start having a go.

pollymere · 17/01/2023 13:35

I never wiped my child's bottom... Using toilet roll or wet wipes were part of potty training. Why not just put liquid soap in the bath? He doesn't need to rub himself liberally with soap if he'd getting a good soak. It's a little early to expect a child to wash themselves properly though and I'd be helping with hair washing for a good while yet.

BTW... A phobia of poo is a real thing. Especially if he didn't wipe at school. He may be worried about wiping or washing himself in case he gets poo on his hands.

Branleuse · 17/01/2023 13:43

I dont see the point of making an issue about it, since youre supervising him anyway.
If you have a new baby, he may psychologically need reassurance from you that hes still your baby too. 5 might seem really big to you but it isnt. Hes started school so hes away from you all day and hes been usurped by a new baby. He wants his mum to wash him in the bath. Id just do it and give him extra cuddlles. Not just push him to be all grown up and independant when hes just a little dot and has so much big stuff happening

GooglyEyeballs · 17/01/2023 13:43

Can you make it fun? Buy him a kids shower gel and a shower puff thing that's shaped like an animal? I'm sure there are ways to make it more fun for children.

Original poster

whev · 17/01/2023 22:19

an update: we did fun soap and sponge, no luck. His one year old brother used it and he changed his mind and VERY cautiously/reluctantly washed his stomach and asked me to do the rest. Last bath he did stomach and his private bits he said he’ll do one more bit everytime and laughed about getting upset comparing it to rubbing mud all over himself in the garden

OP posts:

Ilikemeat2023 · 18/01/2023 13:06

Get rid of the iPad/screens. It makes children lazy and rude. My 3 year old washes herself no problems, try to turn it into a game, make it happy and lighthearted.

nokidshere · 18/01/2023 14:55

Lordy, there's some harsh people on this thread.

He's 5. Just put warm soapy water in the bath and he will be just fine. Why make bathtime into a stressful situation?

Mariposista · 18/01/2023 15:53

How about trying him with a shower rather than a bath? He could play at how much of his body he can cover in soap (and be the foam monster or whatever) and then laugh as it all washes off.

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