Does everyone feel like the weak link on WhatsApp groups?

[Cococomellon]

I am in a few parenting and other whatsapp communities and sometimes wonder if I alienate people by having opinions or talking about myself or talking too much?

I am all for being "kind" but is agreeing with everything others say a thing? I am naturally inquisitive but it seems like people don't like being challenged how we are very happy to be judgmental about others' parenting choices. Letting 6 month old babies cry it out so they can sleep through the night is fine but those who advocate breastfeeding until 2 and co-sleeping are bitched about. One says something and they all pile on and agree. If you say you see that person's point of view then you ruin the mood.

I have started to distance myself and may keep it that way as we go into 2023.

I think everything you've said hits the nail on the head really.

People don't like to be presented with alternative viewpoints if it challenges their accepted norms. I can't seem to understand why, but people in general have become very robotic and closed-minded in recent years (or perhaps I'm just noticing it more).

I've also decided to keep distance from the ignorant, the arrogant and the 'I know best, keep your mouth shut' brigade.

Surely you’re doing the same thing though? You just have different opinions to the other posters…(and I actually agree with both the views you’ve mentioned)

It's basically a very difficult balance OP. Some of these groups can definitely become an echo chamber with everyone just reinforcing the same views, often because it's part of their identity, and no one really wants to have to think enough to be challenged.

On the other hand challenging people requires tact and compassion. You need to understand where the other person is coming from, why they hold certain views and approach the debate in a manner which doesn't make them defensive. I know personally I've sometimes been far too aggressive and it's counter productive - everyone just gets even more entrenched in their position.

If a group exists purely to bitch about other people and feel superior the chance of me changing their viewpoin is fairly slim and I prefer to just not engage at all as it just makes me stressed and annoyed.

It's just not the right forum to challenge views.

Much easier to do that kind of thing in person where there is wider communication such as facial expressions and body language, along with what's being said/challenged.

@underneaththeash I'm happy to be challenged and I enjoy a debate but maybe I'm in the minority . I just feel like people express these views but you're not allowed to say no I don't agree with sleep training as then you're made to feel you're wrong for judging but then they bitch about the mum from playgroup who loves co sleeping and is still BFing her 2 year old.

@BackBeatTheWord you make perfect sense!

@trifleyulelogpavlova Yeah I've sort of realised it's not the forum for me to challenge them in. Not that group anyway. It's funny how different every group is!

I deleted WhatsApp after having to leave several of these groups last summer - can’t stand the bitchiness and certainly don’t miss the negativity!

I think I read that socially whatever opinion is given first in a group, most people will fall in behind that. So once one person at a meeting speaks up, they rarely get challenged. Businesses have to work hard to get around this because it leads to bad decisions! So I guess you are a radical free thinker, good for you :)

Thanks @Runningintolife That is helpful and makes sense in terms of everyone agreeing with one another.

Doesn't seem to be an issue on Mumsnet!

If you are honest with yourself, are you overly evangelical about your choices and are 'challenging' people about their behaviours (I.e. giving unwanted opinions in situations where they just want a bit of sympathy)? If the group was chatting about having to resort to sleep training to save their sanity are you coming across like- 'well rather than neglect my child I'm a wonderful earth mother who responds to them properly and soothes them with my perfectly nutritionally balanced breast milk rather than the formula you make yours choke down which is tantamount to poison. I'm such a shining example of how motherhood should be so if you all follow my lead and make better choices you can be better people!'

What sort of groups are you in? If someone asks for advice we tend to chime in "this worked well for me" or "I've heard this book is good". I'd be a bit horrified to be debating as something as meaningful as parenting styles with mums I enjoy a casual friendship with to be honest.

People talk about parenting styles and all sorts and conversations can be quite in depth.

Mainly parenting friendship groups are the ones I'm thinking of @HoneyIShrunkThePizza but not sure I understand what you mean.

I’d be leaving a group like this ASAP tbh.

The group sounds unpleasant if there's open bitching about other people who arent in it, but I think you're unlikely to find a group where people are delighted to be told that other people 'don't agree' with their parenting choices. I wouldn't be in a group where people were being nasty about other people cosleeping but I wouldn't be in one where people were being judgemental of sleep training, either.

If you say things like you mentioned (“I don’t agree with sleep training”) then I can see why you’re not made too welcome in those groups. I wouldn’t breastfeed until 2 years or cosleep but I wouldn’t say those are subjects I don’t AGREE on, as there’s nothing to agree or disagree. They are not my lifes choices as they don’t work for my family or I pretty much dislike then, but anyone else is more then welcome to do it or choose them. I’d never say “I don’t agree with cosleeping”!

I agree with @FigAndOlive

Although I was in an absolutely horrible WhatsApp group that stemmed from here - glad I left it.

I think I'm on the groups with the woman from playgroup 😂 Women falling apart because they breastfeed and co-sleep with a toddler, and either work FT or tandem feed a baby. It's not for me but I don't question it. I agree with a pp they are total echo chambers. I would never, ever admit to letting my children cry it out sometimes. I mostly have the groups in mute now my younger child is nearly 2 - I just don't care about discussing the minutiae of parenting enough.

I've never said I don't agree with sleep training but they take the P out of the mum who BFs her older toddler and some of the ones who are all for co sleeping. I still BF and cosleep!

You literally said that on your reply to @underneaththeash. If you say “good for you for sleep training but it’s not for us” then I think you’d be seen as less judgmental and have more chances to make another mom friends etc. I have mom friends with totally different visions and we get along well by respecting each other choices (I also purposely try not to bring polemic subjects just in case 😆)