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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Struggling to coparent and keep my mouth shut!

14 replies

Winginitt · 01/01/2023 15:32

This isn’t my first post on this subject - the ex! We split 2 years ago and share a DD who is 7 years old. Coparenting has never been between me and him, rather me and his mother who he lives with. DD and ex MIL have a lovely relationship, go on lots of days out, she does all the care, school runs, communication etc. Recently I have been really going at the ex about his lack of involvement with our DD, I’m fed up of knowing that she goes to see him and he carries on doing as he pleases while his Mommy does the work. It has now got to a point where the contact between him and DD is becoming really rubbish, especially since he started seeing someone else. On Christmas Day she stayed with me (his choice, we usually share the day but he requested she stay with me) I sent him a video of her opening presents at 7:30am, he replied, I asked if she could call he said he’d call her shortly - by 11am there had been no phone call, this baffled me as my first thought Christmas morning is her and couldn’t understand how he didn’t feel the same. The same thing happened last night, he was out with his new girlfriend, I asked if he’d like to spend New Year’s Eve with DD months ago, he said no, he knew that she was awake as had seen a post - didn’t call. This hasn’t upset DD as such, however, she has asked why daddy hasn’t called. He has finally called at 3pm and quite frankly DD isn’t interested and I’m not forcing her to speak to him. She has been poorly recently, told him, no phone call, no message to ask if she’d been ok, she was up all night throwing up and he is none the wiser. I really want to leave him to it and let him be terrible but I can’t help but protect my little girl and get involved when I feel he’s being rubbish. I can’t force him to be a decent parent which is what I’ve been trying to do since the day she was born. He seems to think he is doing nothing wrong and is a good parent. I haven’t the heart to tell him he’s actually an asshole who doesn’t deserve her. AIBU with my thought process here?

OP posts:

RandomMess · 01/01/2023 15:35

Leave him to it and just listen and comfort your DD.

Read "how to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk" incredibly useful at how to emotional support DC and teach them critical thinking.

You can't cover up for a shit parent without damaging your DC and their trust in you and themselves in the process.

MojoMoon · 01/01/2023 16:00

"I’m fed up of knowing that she goes to see him and he carries on doing as he pleases while his Mommy does the work"

This sounds like you are primarily driven by resentment of him going out, dating someone etc. You aren't saying "I am fed up of DD not being fed/entertained/engaged with while at her father's" but are focusing on what he does.

He is a rubbish dad - but you aren't going to change that so I'd stop focusing on what you think he should be doing or whether he should live his life a different way.

Your daughter has a good relationship with his mother and it sounds like is well taken care of by her. Great. If it's a positive relationship with her father's family, that is still a good and important experience for her to have and should be encouraged.

Your daughter will slowly learn her father is fairly rubbish but you can't change that, sadly. You can learn to communicate with her well so she can explore this with you when needed but led by her .

She knows she is loved by her grandmother and maybe also involved in the wider part of her father's family and that's a good foundation for her to understand that it is her father who is flawed and not her.

If she goe see to her father's but spends most of her time with a caring and engaged grandmother then that is not a terrible thing. Ideally she'd have a better dad but she doesn't

Quitelikeit · 01/01/2023 16:05

You are wasting your energy.

the easiest thing to do here is nothing. Don’t think about it, don’t bother with him just leave him to it

Haveagentlechristmas · 01/01/2023 16:10

He doesn't sound capable and it sounds like he has checked out.

I wouod treat the ex MIL as the other parent as she sounds lovely. All communication through her and arrange stuff with her and leave him to it. He sounds very immature.

Stop asking him to do stuff as he's just going to let you down. Work with the MIL instead. You can't coparent with someone with a personality disorder and he may well have this. He will just counter parent. Just do things your way and forget about the sperm donor. I expect his new girlfriend will be pregnant soon.

Original poster

Winginitt · 06/01/2023 17:28

Thanks for the advice. For the comment suggesting I resent him for going out - what I said and meant is exactly what you have said.

Update since post - DD has strep, took him 8 hours after I told him to ask how she was. Had a message this morning from him asking me to give away his ticket for a show she is doing this month as he doesn’t want to go, said it’s a ‘ballache’. Asked him to explain this to DD and he has told her he can’t get the time off work, she is upset he can’t go, he hasn’t tried to get the time off as he doesn’t want to go. I wish she knew the truth but also, obviously, I want her to believe that her dad is amazing.

OP posts:

MojoMoon · 07/01/2023 17:40

@Winginitt why do you want her to believe her dad is amazing?

He is not. She will find that out - you can't hide it from her forever.

What you should want is for her to believe that she herself is amazing.

And that she is a person in her own right, not an offshoot of her father (or mother).

It's a natural part of the development process for a child to understand they are separate from their parent and also a natural process for them to understand parents can be flawed too.

You need to be age appropriate but not lie to her - besides, children often understand more than we give them credit for.

Can you invite MiL to this show instead?

RandomMess · 07/01/2023 18:02

Age appropriate truth is so important.

You don't cover up for him, if he decides not to come you don't tell her why he isn't coming let her draw her own conclusions. Read "how to talk so kids will listen, listen so kids will talk" it's very good explaining why and how to do this.

user1471556818 · 07/01/2023 18:04

Invite your MIL and keep up the good relationship with her
I wouldn't be covering for your ex but I also wouldn't stress that he isn't much of a dad
She has at least 2 folks who treasure her

HoppingAndHoping · 07/01/2023 18:09

You unfortunately can't protect her from HIS lack of caring by getting involved. It's just not possible.

But it sounds like she has a very loving mother and a good relationship with her grandmother! The strength of that relationship is something to prioritise IMO.

MusselMam · 07/01/2023 18:44

I feel your pain. I'm 3 years on and it's pretty depressing the lack of priority that my ex makes our daughter. It's quite shocking when you realise the true nature of someone. He's really only interested in himself. I cannot imagine behaving in the way he has.

You said you want her to think he's amazing, but he isn't and you have no control over that. Let him jeopardise his relationship with her.

A counsellor early on told me to focus on my parental relationship. Your daughter will come to her own conclusions. And this is true.

In your situation I'd actually start coparenting with his mother. Message her with illness updates, offers of show tickets, she'll take you up on this or pass it on. And I'm sure she'd interact with you more amicably than her son.

Good luck, OP.

Original poster

Winginitt · 07/01/2023 21:12

Thank you for the advise again, everyone! It’s been an emotional day, he has finally asked that he doesn’t share custody and I have her full time - he will let me know on the day when he can see her as he can’t commit to one solid day, has said that he would like to be informed of things she’s doing but is happier for my partner to support her with these things. I will invite his mom and dad over after they have approached me about all this, I’ve asked that he tell her that this is his doing, I’m worried she will be naive and agree with him, he will tell her that it’s because of work and him feeling guilty for not having time for her but what he has told me today is the same thing plus the fact he is struggling to juggle our daughter and a new girlfriend, he said when they are introduced he will see our daughter more as they can spend time together as a 3, he will finally pay me maintenance which he has refused to do since we split. I’m totally devastated for my little girl and can’t lie I’m feeling guilty that I ever wasted 9 years of my life on this man and gave him the most precious little girl that he has truly let down. I can only hope that ex MIL still wants regular contact because this will break my girls heart.

OP posts:

Original poster

Winginitt · 07/01/2023 21:27

Need to mention to that he has never been like this before which is why it’s such a shock and although I know it’s best I’ve really struggled to ignore it. I am trying now and with what he has said earlier I have been calm and acted ok with it because I know I can’t force him, hopefully because of all this contact between us both can stop unless absolutely necessary.

OP posts:

Zombiemum1946 · 07/01/2023 21:31

Haveagentlechristmas · 01/01/2023 16:10

He doesn't sound capable and it sounds like he has checked out.

I wouod treat the ex MIL as the other parent as she sounds lovely. All communication through her and arrange stuff with her and leave him to it. He sounds very immature.

This^^

MojoMoon · 08/01/2023 10:41

I can understand it is a disappointment but given his lack of enthusiasm, it probably shouldn't be a massive shock.

Please try and separate out your feelings about your relationship with him (nine wasted years) and your feelings about your daughter's relationship with him. These are two separate things.

Be guided by your daughter and what she asks and says. The book recommended above about listening so your child will talk is a really good one.

Co-parenting with your MiL sounds sensible and I am sure she will want to be involved with your daughter.

You need to start the process of getting maintenance now - if he is PAYE employed, it is easier this if he is self employed. Have you looked at the CMS website to see what you are entitled to?

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