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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What do you think? Should my dad get a dog?

46 replies

DogDadAfternoon · 01/01/2023 13:19

Not really an AIBU - more of a What Do You Think?

My dad is 83 and very recently widowed. He’s started talking about getting a dog for company and exercise. My brother is very enthusiastic about the idea, but I’m not so sure.
On the one hand, I know my dad misses their old dog, who died a few years ago. And I completely understand that the house suddenly feels very big and empty without my mum. He’s currently fit and well (although having a hip replacement next month).
On the other hand, he’s 83. I worry that he might at some point not be able to cope with looking after a dog, or that the dog might outlive him, or that he might need to move somewhere where he couldn’t have a dog.
What do you reckon?
YABU - don’t be silly, of course he should get a dog.
YANBU - probably not the best idea.

OP posts:

Blondewithredlips · 01/01/2023 14:03

mamabear715 · 01/01/2023 13:24

An older dog from a rescue?

This

SilverHydrangea · 01/01/2023 14:06

There are a lot of adult/older dogs in rescues that would make a great companion. My mum was matched with a dog whose owner had died unexpectedly. Part of the discussion with rescues we approached was what would happen in the event she couldn't continue to care for the dog. We were in a position to take the dog if needed but life time rescue back up was also an option. She had five lovely years of companionship with her dog and after almost a year pet free, was adopted by a stray cat x

NWQM · 01/01/2023 14:09

Might be worth seeing if borrow my dog operates in your area. Have heard some positive things from people but not used the site ourselves. Its potentially someone getting cheap doggy daycare and overnights for holiday periods but it does mean your Dad doesn't have full responsibility.

A dog would be wonderful company but totally understand too your concerns. An older rescue dog may be wonderful for both of them. There are downsides and many what ifs but...

My other thought - and we love our dog - is whether it would make him more or less isolated? Does he actually need to be encouraged to get out - taking up a hobby if needs be - to met people. A dog can make this difficult abf may be the opposite to what your Dad needs to rebuild his life post being widowed.

Otterock · 01/01/2023 14:15

I also forgot to add - if he does get one and you find vets that are taking on, please also check what their OOH provisions are. A lot now outsource their OOH service and it can end up being a significant journey (sometimes over an hour away). Just something to consider if your dad is limited in where he can travel. We have a lot of clients who struggle to get to our OOH which is only a 15 minute drive away

Original poster

DogDadAfternoon · 01/01/2023 14:22

@AnotherAppleThief Where did I say I have the final say? Of course it’s his decision, but he asked my opinion.

All these answers are giving me food for thought. If he could be matched to the right older dog, that could work. And I guess he could pay a dog-walker if need be.
I don’t think he’d go for Borrow My Doggy because he wants the companionship at home as well as the walks.

OP posts:

Birchtree1 · 01/01/2023 14:25

Border terriers are great. Smallish and good natured.
but I’d probably looking at a middle aged rescue dog. Best thing is to ask your Dad whether he wants a dog.
also cinnamon trust is great. You leave some money and pet to them in your will. They will look after your pet. ( some get fostered out, some stay at certain cinnamon trust sites) and they look after them well!
my aunt and uncle got a new puppy in their 80s but we have an agreement that I will take the dog if anything happens to them. Dog is now about 6 or 7 and they are delighted with her.

2bazookas · 01/01/2023 14:26

He could get an older dog that's unlikely to outlive him. Plenty of rescues have such dogs, often beloved pets of an older/deceased owner and will help older rehomers make an appropriate choice . Its a win win for your dad and the dog.

There is a dog charity that will take on the dog after elderly owners can no longer cope; so that would give Dad and you a reliable back up plan.

woodgreen.org.uk/pet-promise/#1

"Do you ever worry about your pets outliving you, and what will happen to them after you’re gone? Our free Pet Promise scheme gives you peace of mind.

Once your pet or pets arrive into our care, they will be cared for and loved by our dedicated animal carers, either on site at our centre, or with a foster carer in their own home."

www.oldies.org.uk/

PritiPatelsMaker · 01/01/2023 14:30

I'd say go for it after he's recovered from his surgery.

Many sheltered housing places will allow you to take a pet in if he does decide to move and like a PP said, the Cinnamon Trust can always gather walkers for you if he becomes ill.

He's got experience of DDogs so he knows what it will entail.

Furrydogmum · 01/01/2023 14:39

A family member got an older dog for their elderly widowed parent. The parent has just died and the elderly dog is now needing a new home due to allergies on the family members side. I don't think it is a good idea..

PritiPatelsMaker · 01/01/2023 14:46

And I guess he could pay a dog-walker if need be.

One thing they might be worth asking him is how he'd feel about walking a DDog in the dark or if it's a bit slippy?

wetotter · 01/01/2023 14:54

I've just been looking at that 'oldies' page

A dog like this one could be the answer:
www.oldies.org.uk/2022/buster-animal-action-trust-fostered-essex

The thing to check carefully is vet needs. Older dogs are more expensive to insure, and pre-existing conditions may not be covered.

CatsFreakingMeOut · 01/01/2023 14:58

To those who are mentioning the Cinnamon Trust, in our area they are really short of volunteer walkers (my sister was contacted about a pair of dogs who hadn't been walked in over 2 years!)
So don't rely on the fact that the CT will be able to help.

I'd suggest turning that around and seeing if your dad would volunteer to walk someone else's dog for the Cinnamon Trust.
That might help him decide whether or not he's really up to having his own dog or not.

LlynTegid · 01/01/2023 15:01

I think he should wait until after the hip replacement. If that means getting a dog in the summer, probably the best time to start daily walking.

Spiderboy · 01/01/2023 15:01

If no one in the family is available to take care of the dog if needed then I think it’s a terrible idea. The dog will need walking and caring for and it’s very reasonable to expect an 83 year old with known mobility issues to struggle with this

Branleuse · 01/01/2023 15:05

A pet is a nice idea, but not a dog. Or maybe he could foster dogs

SirVixofVixHall · 01/01/2023 15:09

At a similar age an elderly family member took in a new dog , he was an older dog (6 or 7) who had ended up in rescue due to family circumstances. He was a lovely boy and gave her much happiness. He lived for another ten years but she outlived him by another three.
Could your Dad get an older dog ? I know a lady locally who is around 83 and at 80 (and with heart problems) took in an old blind rescue collie. It gets her out everyday and the dog is much loved and happy .

SocialLite · 01/01/2023 15:26

As long as there's a plan in place for the dog if it outlives him, I don't see a problem.

My dh's father has a lovely dog, and everyone knows we will take her in if something happened to him. I suspect his ex wife would actually want to take her temporarily if he were unwell short-term so that she didn't have to travel as much, but we are the long term solution.

Sadly she isn't well, and I dread to think the impact it will have on my fil if she dies.

NotMyDayJob · 01/01/2023 15:41

I had to have a kind but firm chat with both MIL and DM who coincidentally were both thinking of getting a dog albeit at younger ages (c. 70) that if either of them got a dog, I would not be doing any walks, driving to vets, looking after if they went away for the weekend etc etc, and they needed to make provision in their wills as to what would happen to the dogs if they died, and also that if they couldn't care for the dogs, they would either be going to a rescue, or worst case scenario pts if alternative care couldn't be found (which included me absolutely not 'temporarily' looking after any dogs during hospital stays or while alternative care was found).

I know that sounds incredibly harsh to some, but I have two small children, and DH works away a lot and I don't want a dog, I've never wanted a dog and I'm not looking after a dog ever and I knew exactly what would happen if either of them got a dog so I had to be really explicit with them. After which they were both a lot less enthusiastic because they knew I wouldn't be bailing them out (DM had previously owned a dog who had sadly died so she knew I meant it).

If there is no one who can take the dog on should your DF not be able to, just make sure there is a plan for what would happen, before he gets the dog.

Original poster

DogDadAfternoon · 01/01/2023 21:38

Thank you for your thoughtful replies, everyone. There are definitely more options than I realised. Obviously, it all depends how my dad recovers from his hip op, but if all goes well and he’s still keen, I’ll definitely raise fostering as a possibility, as well as adopting an older dog.

OP posts:

BoxOfCats · 01/01/2023 23:07

Would he consider an older rescue cat instead? Would be great company but less work in terms of having to take it out for walks etc.

Original poster

DogDadAfternoon · 02/01/2023 10:44

I suggested a cat, @BoxOfCats, but he wasn’t very enthusiastic. He wants unconditional adoration rather than disdain!

OP posts:

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