To not trust DD's grandparents?

9 replies

Poppymil · 31/12/2022 23:05

It's a long one so I'll apologise now!

I split up with my DD's dad a few months ago (DD is now 10months old). There were a few issues but mainly came from him being a recovering alcoholic and relapsing a number of times. I loved him and stayed with him a lot longer than I should have done but finally got to a point where I realised I needed to let myself hurt to protect my DD. He's never harmed her and when he's well he's the most amazing dad.

Anyway my AIBU... so a few weeks ago I randomly got a call from social services questioning how DD's dad see's her- explained that at that time he'd not seen her for a couple of weeks (he'd had a relapse and been in hospital). They then told me that going forward he was only allowed to see her supervised and this would be for the foreseeable future, if we were to get back together I can have her taken off me and that if I decided I wanted her to be alone with him I would need them to do an assessment first to see if this was appropriate. I didn't have a clue what was happening so messaged his mum who then only then decided to tell me that the week before he had called her saying he was coming to where me and my DD were living with a baseball bat happy to do whatever it took to get his daughter- she called the police and it took 7 of them to get him in handcuffs! SS have said they can supervise visits but I really don't feel comfortable with this as his mum can't understand why she should have told me.

so.. AIBU to not allow them to supervise?

OP posts:

BabyOnBoard90 · 31/12/2022 23:20

YANBU of course.

Sounds like his mum was trying to protect him / his reputation. But at least she had enough sense to call the police and mitigate the danger you were potentially in.

I'd seek evidence he's sober before permitting visits

Stressedmum2017 · 31/12/2022 23:25

From his mums perspective she was probably just trying not to drop in any more shit/stir the pot.
I would be asking social what their stance would be on no contact until he can prove a prolonged amount of sobriety eg 6 months.

Stopthebusplease · 31/12/2022 23:40

I don't think I'd be trusting the grandparents either OP. After calling the police, the first thing she should have done was called to warn you, supposing he'd managed to get away from the police and get to you, with you being totally unprepared. Having failed to do that, she should have told you afterwards what had happened, so that you could judge for yourself the ongoing situation. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

PositiveThoughtsWine · 31/12/2022 23:41

@Stressedmum2017 who cares how much shit is caused when her child’s life is in danger?
I would be livid with the MiL. She absolutely can understand - she was protecting her son like you’ll @Poppymil protect your daughter. She’s playing stupid.

PopUpMoon · 31/12/2022 23:43

She did the right thing calling the police.

She did the wrong thing by not telling you - in fact, by not telling you, she put you and your child in danger.

SS probably wouldn’t allow her to supervise. You also can’t supervise because he is an active threat.

No contact at all, including his parents. Let the arsehole take you to court. He won’t.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 31/12/2022 23:48

Do you think his parents would keep DD safe from her father. Eg refuse him to enter their home if he was under the influence or end contact if anything concerning was happening. In you don’t think they could do this then no you are no being unreasonable.

His mum should have informed you what happened. Odd that she didn’t given she must have known social care would be informed.

Have social care actually done an assessment? I assume not if they haven’t visited your child or you?

Original poster

Poppymil · 01/01/2023 00:01

I understand she was probably trying to protect him but it shows that's she's given no thought to her my DD, I know she doesn't gjve a shit about me and if it was me alone in the house then fair enough but it wasn't.
I asked SS about it and they said 'well she's a teacher so she can surely be trusted' I even asked about contact centre but they said as there as has been no actual violence where I live we don't qualify!

OP posts:

Original poster

Poppymil · 01/01/2023 00:02

I think what makes it worse is he makes me feel bad about it, he's said he wasn't seeing DD under Jan due to mental health and wanted no contact then I got a horrible message that's I'm not allowing him to see her- I've never once said he can't see her. I know it's all bloody mind games but god it's so hard not to react to it

OP posts:

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 01/01/2023 00:03

Do you have someone you trust who could supervise. A friend or your parents?

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