ASD / ADHD child and visiting family

[Nearly2023]

Im looking for advise for those in similar situations, I have a DS 4 in Jan who is on the pathway for diagnosis of ASD and most likely ADHD.

I’m biased I know, but he’s amazing, but he struggles with getting hyper, and then likes set routine and can lash out when things don’t go to plan, he either becomes overwhelmed or overexcited. He stims, he runs, he shouts, he jumps, you get the idea.

Anyway, back to my post, my family insist we go to their house to visit as they like to see him there, but there’s items everywhere that he can’t help but touch, pets running around which makes him excited! So I’m on edge constantly. Then family members tell him off for touching things, or running and say there are rules in this house not like at home.

I left pretty quickly after, AIBU to feel hurt, they think his behaviour is due to my parenting rather than medical condition?

It’s been Christmas so he’s already struggled with the changes off the last week, and in my mind had coped brilliantly compared to last year, and I was feeling really positive and this has just put me down.

YNBA. I understand you feel offended. They've implied that you are too lenient with him which is why he behaves the way he does. There will always be some people who don't get it. Do they know he's on a diagnosis pathway?

Can you just explain to them that it's too hard to visit in their home, so can they visit in your home instead? If they insist you go to them, see them less to reduce your stress. It isn't fun visiting when you're always on edge.

I couldn’t let that go.

’we have rules. I’m also aware of his needs. Don’t worry - we won’t come again’

I have two children with ASD and family have always been very accommodating. However some places are more child friendly and I’ve learned not to go back to the places that aren’t.

BTW, maybe you could redirect him or give him alternative stims to those that annoy the other people? ASD people can learn not to touch or behave certain ways. I find if there's an unacceptable stim, I can replace it with another. For example, running around the doctor's office, let them play with a phone instead. Rocking on a chair in a cafe, let them draw on the napkin or give them a figit toy.

@Merryoldgoat thank you, I worried I was being too sensitive.

You’re right I should have said something, I struggle with confrontation. I am learning that a lot of the time having a child with SEN means you have to fight for support and understanding so am trying to speak up more.

I’m with you in trying to speak up more too. New year tomorrow, maybe it’s time we stopped give a f what these ignorant family members think 😱

@lifeinthehills unfortunately he cannot be distracted when his mind is set on something.
His application for additional nursery support actually stated that once he has something in his mind he cannot be distracted, and can only be removed from the situation.
I can of course take him home, which I did, but none of his behaviour today was particular “bad”. He just runs around A LOT when he’s very excited. He also wanted to touch the light up decorations, he’s very sensory led, so loves to touch things, not to break or damage just to feel.

@Bex268 that’s definitely my plan for the new Year! Good luck, I hope it gets easier to speak up!!

Yep I have had all those comments before. Sadly, even when you go on to have NT children, they still dont change or get it.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_needs_chat/4687824-sick-of-family-attitudes

This was my thread on the SN board. I've finally decided after many years of putting up with ignorance to just no longer see them.

I think lots of NT kids would also like to touch those things. In that kind of situation I'd tend to just let him to satisfy the need, but help him look at them so they are safe. Is that against their rules?

Where is he running? If it's around other people, can he be told to run in a different area or outside when the weather is up to it?

I don't think you're wrong at all, just trying to give some ideas that have worked for me.

I think YANBU and I admire your efforts to square the circle with your family. My daughter has (quite mild) ADHD and ut took a while to get her diagnosed and so when she was little, that conflict between her needs and the expectations of my family wasn't even something I really recognised, I just worked out what routine kept her on an even keel and stuck to that. A lot of my family thought I was uptight and unfriendly and all this stuff but they thought my DD was awesome, because she is, but also because they always saw her when she was on an even keel. I am not close with a lot of the family now because of all that so I can't recommend my way of dealing with it, but I definitely don't think YABU in making efforts to try and balance both and feeling hurt when your family don't appreciate how hard that is.

@Stressedmum2017 just read your previous thread. I’m sorry to hear you were unable to resolve it.
I do think it’s sometimes easier to keep to a small bubble, keeps DS calm, and avoids unwanted “advice” and digs!

I feel your pain.

MIL is constantly moaning about the fact that DS can't sit still when we are at her house. But she also doesn't engage much with him and has nothing for him to do there. I'll take things to try and entertain him but she'll even comment about the way he is doing those things.

It drives me fucking insane.

I totally understand this, my DS is 7 and he's the type that once he sees something he wants to touch, throw, or hit there is nothing you can do to stop him - no words, threats or punishments make any difference. Mine has ADHD and ASD and he just doesn't have the self control that some people expect.

Don't feel bad about it though, it's a lesson learned. I suggest you write them an email saying lovely to see you but as you can see it's very difficult for DSon in that environment so I future you will need to come to ours. Then stick to it!

DS is 9 and we're waiting for assessment but pretty sure he'll be diagnosed with ASD. We've just had a very stressful Christmas with family, DS was very good, but he does need to run, jump, bounce, generally be very physical, and it is exhausting keeping an eye on that and making sure he's not bouncing off people or into anything breakable, and doesn't hurt himself...

My lo is 11 now and he used to be completely wired. Now he is calm and placid so maybe you will be on that trajectory too. It is difficult when kids and family struggle with realistic expectations. Not much you can do except keep telling them.