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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How to deal with slightly bossy friend

23 replies

Cantbebothered31 · 31/12/2022 17:21

Friend one: she has other good qualities and can be really nice, nobody is perfect but I find her bossiness a bit annoying sometimes and I can lack assertiveness.
For instance we went for a meal the other week with a few friends and my partner was there. Another friend was running a bit late, and was coming with a baby. The friend in question told me and my partner we needed to move seats to accommodate the friend's baby pram.
We didn't need to as there was plenty of room, but for whatever reason my partner and I stood up. I don't know why we did as we didn't even need to move, just because she decided we did.

At one point she then told me to call the waitress over because we were 1 metre closer to her. There was nothing stopping her doing it herself.

Friend 2: just a comment she made: The entire meetup was organised by me, date, time and venue. Also at one point in the conversation my partner told this friend about something I'd organised for his birthday. Friend 2 said, "That's very organised of you, cantbebothered31! You're not usually very organised, are you?"

I have no idea where she got that comment from as I literally see her twice a year, we live miles apart and we don't speak much in between apart from on a group chat. Maybe at school I was a bit scattery but I've not had much to do with her since then. Just an odd thing to say. I just laughed as I didn't know how to react.

Anyway just wondered if I'm being too sensitive, or if I should become more assertive?

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 31/12/2022 17:23

Yes, you should become more assertive.

Original poster

Cantbebothered31 · 31/12/2022 17:24

Could you elaborate more please? Do you think I overreacted in the examples?

OP posts:

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 31/12/2022 17:27

I would say a bit of both.
The thing is, when you are not assertive things do bother you more because you feel overpowered and like you should have stood up for yourself.

I am sure if you work on your assertiveness you’d not find yourself thinking of these things as much because you would have dealt with them in the moment.

I think you need 2/3 stock responses that you can have in hand to reply when your friend is being bossy or rude. eg “ No, I don’t think I’m like that actually”.

Stressedmum2017 · 31/12/2022 17:27

I think these tiny non events probably wouldn't bother you so much if you were more assertive at the time and just in general.

Original poster

Cantbebothered31 · 31/12/2022 17:36

If I were known for being unorganised fair enough but I'm really not, actually on the group chat I'm always the one trying to organise things. I hardly ever see her either.
So it just seemed like a random dig at me for whatever reason.

OP posts:

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 31/12/2022 17:38

Cantbebothered31 · 31/12/2022 17:36

So address it directly….
”that’s the 3rd time you’ve said I’m disorganised. It’s such a weird comment because I’m the one that has Organised the last 3 meet ups”.

EddietheEagle · 31/12/2022 17:40

Another time, if she asks you to move just say 'I'm ok here thanks, there's plenty of room'

And if she annoys you by passing comment like you're not very organised, just hit straight back with 'what do you mean by that?'

She won't be expecting you to do that. It sounds like she's used to you just putting up with her bossiness and rudeness.

Merryoldgoat · 31/12/2022 17:44

You didn’t react at all so far as I can tell?

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 31/12/2022 17:58

Cantbebothered31 · 31/12/2022 17:36

Reply: "Do you think so? Can you give an example?"

Original poster

Cantbebothered31 · 31/12/2022 18:23

Thanks, that's a very good point to question people about it and put them on the spot. And next time I shouldn't move seats or whatever just because she tells me we should.

OP posts:

DrManhattan · 31/12/2022 21:54

100% on you. You show people how to treat you. Stick up for yourself

Menomenon · 31/12/2022 22:02

YABU.

You need to take way more responsibility for yourself. You can say No to moving seats. You can remind your friend 2 how organised you are (or just say nothing and KNOW how organised you are).

You are relying on your friends’ behaviour instead of adjusting your own.

Original poster

Cantbebothered31 · 01/01/2023 11:58

Completely agree that I need to show people how to treat me and stand up for myself. Do you think the friends in the 2 examples were being a bit rude or not at all?

OP posts:

planefullofotters · 01/01/2023 13:38

Cantbebothered31 · 01/01/2023 11:58

Completely agree that I need to show people how to treat me and stand up for myself. Do you think the friends in the 2 examples were being a bit rude or not at all?

I think you’re missing the point a bit. It doesn’t really matter how rude they were. If you were more assertive you wouldnt care or still be chewing over it.

Original poster

Cantbebothered31 · 01/01/2023 14:55

No I agree I just want to know. I think you can be assertive and still care about these things. I don't want to associate myself with friends like this, but it's good practice for the future

OP posts:

Keyansier · 01/01/2023 14:59

I think they were being ever so very slightly rude but @planefullofotters is right - if you were more assertive you wouldn't even be thinking about it once the moment had passed because you would have acted accordingly/told her to shut up.

NearlyfiftyF · 01/01/2023 15:03

Is this a reverse? Why are you pressing for people to comment on their particular comments when your OP was asking if you should be more assertive?

JustFrustrated · 01/01/2023 15:08

No they weren't rude.
You need to be more assertive.

One freind made a comment that wasn't reflective of you, probably based on years old memories. if you were more assertive you would have pointed that out, in a off hand easy going way. As pps say, you see it as rude, because you're not correcting it...when we feel we can't correct things, we look for faults in others instead of how we've reacted.

friend 1, isn't rude. being 1m closer does actually make it easier for you to call the waitress over, and she was actually trying to ensure it was easy for your friend with the baby.

ShrillBill · 01/01/2023 15:13

Friend 2 sounds like a jellyfish friend, her comment was pointed, unnecessary and obviously untrue. Its easy to say you should have responded, but the point of jellyfish comments is to catch you on the back foot and undermine you.
If she does it a lot, I'd probably have a few simple phrases ready for her such as 'thats not true though, is it'.

TouchBlack · 01/01/2023 15:21

Cantbebothered31 · 01/01/2023 11:58

Completely agree that I need to show people how to treat me and stand up for myself. Do you think the friends in the 2 examples were being a bit rude or not at all?

No, from your examples, they weren't being rude. I don't think I'd have even taken stock of what was said, but then I wouldn't have moved if I didn't think I needed to.

Perhaps you're feeling not assertive enough on a wider scale but you're focusing in on your friends?

PenelopeStrawberry1 · 01/01/2023 15:29

I can't stand bossy people who make put down comments so I'd ditch her as a friend, OP. She doesn't sound like much of a friend

Original poster

Cantbebothered31 · 01/01/2023 16:50

I do believe it's rude to just put someone down for no apparent reason. That's not what friends do, and it did catch me off guard which was why I didn't feel I could react in the moment. Friend 1 could've moved herself but that wouldn't have been convenient for her.

OP posts:

crayola34 · 02/01/2023 01:31

Saying you're disorganised is not rude and I wouldn't call it a put down.It's just a personality trait (albeit an inaccurate observation but as others have said it may be a memory from earlier days) and it sounds like she was just being jokey. If I were you I might have laughed and responded with "I know I was very proud of myself" or "actually I'm quite organised these days, in fact I organised this event"
I agree with others that perhaps you feel that relatively benign remarks are rude because you lack confidence to respond. Once you find your voice I promise you won't give a shit about comments like this.

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