To ask if you considered yourself to have settled with your OH? If so how did it work out?

[Cinderellasslipper]

Im a regular on MN but name changed for this.

I find myself at a crossroads in my life, so just wanting to hear from fellow mumsnetters with the perspective of hindsight to help me make a decision.

Have you considered yourself to have settled for your OH? if so what were your reasons for settling? how did it work out? Are you happy? Do you have any regrets? Did your feelings grow for them and did you fall in love with them with time?

By settled I mean, settling for someone you’re not physically attracted to, haven’t got chemistry with and perhaps they are a bit boring and sensible. But they are a good person, can offer stability emotionally and financially. You know they would be a good father/ parent to your children. And you just know you would have a secure life with them.

YANBU - if you consider yourself to have settled with your OH.

YABU- If you haven’t settled.

By settled I mean, settling for someone you’re not physically attracted to, haven’t got chemistry with

Why would you do this to yourself? Don’t enter a long-term relationship with anyone who you don’t fancy shagging. Just don’t. You’ll both be miserable.

For a long while I wondered if I 'settled' with DH.

He's attractive and we have what I'd say is a bond rather than chemistry, but that passion was never there. He's definitely a sensible sort, and I'm more adventurous.

I have wondered about what my life would have been like with someone I had fireworks with, someone more romantic/spontaneous etc.

But I'm so glad I never found out! We're the perfect team, he's a wonderful person, so kind, reliable, generous, he worships me and I have no idea why! He'd follow whatever whim I had, and I can honestly say he's never even raised his voice in an argument. He has made huge effort with being more thoughtful which has made a difference, too.

I think it's easy to think you've settled when you're with a 'nice' guy, especially when you've been together for a long time.

I now feel very lucky and I love him very much. He's not perfect, but neither am I, but of anyone on this planet I most like to be around him.

And he makes me laugh! Every day.

Listen to your gut, OP, is there more to how you're feeling?

Some people do settle but for me, before I put myself on the dating scene, I just said I would be true to myself and not lower my (reasonable) standards just to be dating - it all worked out and meant I am now in a fulfilling partnership with a great man who I am very attracted to and we both work great together. It makes me sad to think that both men and women are ‘settling’ because you’re doing not only a disservice to your partner but also to yourself :( you deserve love and happiness.

I think that I settled as I was panicking about getting to a certain age - I was 31 and not in a relationship. I fancied him at the time but it wasn't crazy mad fancying. He was a well brought up man with a good career and prospects. We got married, had a good life , family etc but it all just fizzled into companions with no sex. He had an affair and we split up. Since my divorce I have discovered what great sex is and also what a man is like who will discuss his emotions. My EXH never did.

My experience is similar. Lots of great sex and attraction at first. But I got pregnant and when the baby came, I didn't get my libido back. We married a few years later, but deep down it wasn't right and I was settling for a nice life, and having sex probably every six weeks or so, to keep DH happy. My husband left me just before Christmas, and has started dating women 15 years younger than him. It's heartbreaking, as I thought we would just carry on as we were. But he wanted to feel loved and wanted.

So OP it's a gamble, are you ready to take that chance?

How strange that a thread like this appears when it's something I have recently been thinking about!

I never thought I had settled for DH, but recently I've been thinking on a subconscious level I did.

It was never really sparks flying head over heels fireworks. There was a good level of attraction and I was ignited by his mind and interests, sex was good and all round I felt safe with him.

I sort of assumed, wrongly I think, that this was proper love, adult love and not some teenage hormone induced frenzy (I was very early 20's when I got with him). He is significantly older and at the time a man in his 30's with a stable job and income, no mental health issues and a genuinely nice guy wasn't going to break my heart.

Just as I was getting serious with DH an old flame who I considered the love of my life up until meeting DH - had got back in touch. He has got divorced and wanted us to be together. I said no, despite desperately wanting to scream yes. It wasn't practical, I had already built the foundations for a good life with DH, we got on, were in love and sex/emotional/communicative aspects of our relationship were great.

So in other words. I followed my head not my heart.

13 years later, with two children and a massive mortgage, DH has completely broken my spirit. We haven't had sex in 3 years, at his insistance, he's occasionally cruel and stonewalls me constantly whenever I attempt to mention his behaviour or call him out on something. I go for days in my home not even making eye contact with him. He won't look at me. I've come to learn this is some sort of punishment and an attempt at controlling my behaviour. He's lied to me about a lot of things. I cry a lot.

So to summarise I think it hasn't worked out, but at the time I absolutely would not have said I was 'settling', but I was being sensible and not chasing bad relationships.

It seems there is no winning 🤷🏻‍♀️

@nova99 Im so sorry your having such a bad time with your DH, you sound lovely and he is being a huge asshole to you, you deserve better , I actually think his behaviour is a form of emotional abuse 💐

@NoSquirrels Yes that’s my dilemma, there’s someone who would be the perfect partner on paper, he’s stable emotionally/ financially/ has really good family values, he’s kind and all round a good man… Would make a good husband and father but I just can’t imagine shagging him.😳 I guess it would be a matter of just lying back and thinking of England but I don’t think I would enjoy it.

My problem is I only seem to be attracted to men who I don’t actually have a future with. Like I have fun with them but then there’s this glass ceiling I reach where the relationship can go no further… All the good sex and chemistry means nothing if you can’t actually settle down with a man and have marriage and a family.

OP are you dating this person? If it was me I’d probably shah them and see how I felt about it. Obviously if you don’t want to have sex with them at all then that won’t work and it’s not fair on them either to enter a relationship knowing that.

*shag