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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and allergies - when to say something?

52 replies

MoiraRoseIsMyQueen · 31/12/2022 14:45

We’re staying with the in-laws for a couple of nights (no longer thank god), and I am dairy/soy/egg-free (breastfeeding my little one who is allergic). We arrived last night to a lasagna. MIL had already told me she’d made it, so I brought my own dinner. Today we’ve been presented with pizza and buttered rolls for lunch (every one had been buttered so none left for me).

Not once has she checked what I can eat, asked what I’m having, or apologised that I can’t eat what she’s cooked. Thank god we stopped at the supermarket on the way, because otherwise there would be literally no food for me (and they live in the middle of bloody nowhere so no popping out to the local shops). She knows about the allergies, it’s not a new thing, and we’ve stayed before (plus I texted a few days ago with a gentle reminder).

AIBU to think she’s doing it deliberately? I’ve been gritting my teeth and sorting myself out, but lunch felt like a bad joke - would you say something?

OP posts:
CleoandRalf · 31/12/2022 14:51

When you stayed before did she cook you separate meals or adapted her normal meals?

if yes then this is probably on purpose, if not then maybe she just doesn’t want the effort of adjusting everything,

Notanotherone123 · 31/12/2022 14:52

She's done it on purpose. Who butters every single roll?

Is she one of these doesn't believe in allergies types?

BackBeatTheWord · 31/12/2022 14:54

If you've reminded her recently and she doesn't have some kind of memory issue she must surely be doing it deliberately. Why couldn't she leave one roll unbuttered or just choose something other than lasagne to eat? What does DH say?

Aquamarine1029 · 31/12/2022 14:54

Of course it's deliberate. I would refuse to go there.

Original poster
MoiraRoseIsMyQueen · 31/12/2022 14:54

@CleoandRalf we’ve stayed once before with baby (she’s only little) and she did a roast so it wasn’t an issue in the evening, but I sorted myself for breakfast and lunch as they had nothing in. Is it really unreasonable to expect her to make even a minimal effort? I’d be mortified if we had guests and I didn’t feed them!

OP posts:
Rowen32 · 31/12/2022 14:55

So sorry to hear that.. Not in the same thread at all but every time I go for dinner I'm presented with the one vegetable I don't eat - have said it countless times as has husband and yet its still there.. We honestly don't know if its on purpose or not but I know if it was me, if there was one thing I knew this person didn't eat I would remember after years 🙈🙉
In your case I think I'd be saying or having your husband say 'you know x can't eat this right? Is there anything she can have?' and leave it hanging..
Definitely get your husband involved esp when you're bf and need all the nutrients you can get xx

Original poster
MoiraRoseIsMyQueen · 31/12/2022 14:55

@Notanotherone123 I have a sneaking feeling she might be. We have a shaky relationship anyway so I’ve never really discussed it with her, but bloody hell 🥴

OP posts:
CleoandRalf · 31/12/2022 14:55

MoiraRoseIsMyQueen · 31/12/2022 14:54

@CleoandRalf we’ve stayed once before with baby (she’s only little) and she did a roast so it wasn’t an issue in the evening, but I sorted myself for breakfast and lunch as they had nothing in. Is it really unreasonable to expect her to make even a minimal effort? I’d be mortified if we had guests and I didn’t feed them!

It’s shit hosting, but then again most I know with allergies always bring their own food so it’s never been a thing, maybe she has experienced the same?

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 31/12/2022 14:56

Doesn't bode well for her catering for your dc in the future either does it?
You should have asked outright what you were having...
I was vegetarian when ils used to have us over. Fil once threw a frying pan at me when I refused to eat a fried egg from the pan he had cooked bacon and sausages in.. Never got any better tbh.

Original poster
MoiraRoseIsMyQueen · 31/12/2022 14:57

@BackBeatTheWord DH is mortified but unfortunately wouldn’t say boo to a goose when it comes to her (his Step-Mum) or his dad in a desperate effort to keep the peace.

OP posts:
Original poster
MoiraRoseIsMyQueen · 31/12/2022 14:58

@Aquamarine1029 God I wish we could. This is the latest in a long, long line of issues. I absolutely hate coming here, but we do so for my lovely DH to try to maintain some sort of relationship with his Dad.

OP posts:
Original poster
MoiraRoseIsMyQueen · 31/12/2022 15:01

Thank you @Rowen32 that’s a really helpful way of phrasing it. We’re both as bad as each other, DH is basically a bit scared of his dad (traumatic childhood) and I daren’t rock the boat for fear of causing an argument. MIL is estranged from all of her own three children, if that gives you some idea of the type of person we’re dealing with 😬

OP posts:
Notanotherone123 · 31/12/2022 15:02

I have a child with a severe allergy and family members who didn't believe in the existence of the allergy. They cooked with the allergen and didn't tell me, that ended in a 999 call and a trip to hospital, we haven't eaten there since.

Maintaining a relationship or not unless she takes these allergies seriously I'd be putting my foot down and refusing to eat there again. A child's wellbeing is at risk, and as dramatic as that sounds you need to get that message across.

Original poster
MoiraRoseIsMyQueen · 31/12/2022 15:02

@Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon bloody hell, I hope you threw it back at him! What a nightmare. I did ask what we’d be eating, she said ‘unfortunately I’ve made lasagna’, like she had literally nothing to do with it 😂

OP posts:
Oohahhalittlebitmore · 31/12/2022 15:03

Have you specifically said that if you eat any of these things it will make DD very ill? Add “and you wouldn’t want to make your DGD suffer would you MIL”? on the end of it. If she’s doing it on purpose for you then, hopefully, it will make her think twice. It could just be, like my DM, she just can’t comprehend the link between what you eat and it affecting your breast milk. Some older people really can’t fathom these things. What age is she? I’m not being ageist, I just know what DM & friends are like. It’s baffling.

Original poster
MoiraRoseIsMyQueen · 31/12/2022 15:05

@Oohahhalittlebitmore she knows what we went through when DD was tiny, she’s well aware of what I don’t eat and why. BIL even brought it up today and she didn’t say a thing. If she does it again I’ll definitely say something.

OP posts:
Mercy1968 · 31/12/2022 15:06

OP you have my sympathy. I bet she is doing it on purpose because she doesn't believe in allergies and trying to catch you out by seeing if you trip up and eat something and if your dc is fine afterwards she ll just say it's a load of nonsense.

I have been vegetarian all my life and am 54 now so was always feeling awkward explaining what I couldn't eat back when everyone thought I was odd and annoying.

All you can do is take your own food and be very wary of leaving dc with her when older.

This Christmas I have had to explain to a friend that I m not being awkward I couldn't eat stuffing balls as they had pork in them.

Original poster
MoiraRoseIsMyQueen · 31/12/2022 15:17

@Mercy1968 that’s exactly what I think she is doing, I thought I was being paranoid but now I think she’s just being as awful as she usually is. I can say right now the DCs will never be left alone with them, ever.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 31/12/2022 15:19

God I wish we could. This is the latest in a long, long line of issues. I absolutely hate coming here, but we do so for my lovely DH to try to maintain some sort of relationship with his Dad.

There are three options:

  1. Your DH grows a spine and makes it very clear that you need to be catered for
  2. He visits on his own, and when they ask why you aren't there he uses his newly grown spine and tells them why
  3. You take your own food

His stepmum is an awful host. I always ask guests if they have dietary preferences/allergies when they visit. My niece is a nut allergic vegan and I can still find plenty of dishes to cook for her.

Windtunnel · 31/12/2022 15:50

My mum was mortified when she forgot to buy gluten free cake for my bil the other day, but there was a special pizza for him in the evening and a special lasagne the next day .

Your mil is not normal. I was made to buy my own nut roast one year as my mil apparently couldn't face buying for Xmas Dinner she was hosting.

The games they play...why dont you just say "next time I'll bring all my own food as I can see you're struggling to remember my allergies mil, then you won't have to worry about having to (choose an option):
• going that extra mile to feed me
• factoring me in
• Multitasking - it is tricky working out which roll to butter
• racking your brains about what to feed me

Or is that too cheeky?

rookiemere · 31/12/2022 16:00

Going forward if you do go back, I'd assume there will be no suitable food for you and bring provisions accordingly.

Unfortunately she seems exactly the type to sabotage any food in a shared fridge so I'd bring my own camping fridge and keep it in your room.

You might find that when you have ready alternatives to what she has provided - " Cheese Fondue MIL - how lovely- what a shame DDs dairy allergy means I can't eat it. Still no bother I'll just heat my own food up in the microwave won't take more than a couple of minutes " - she'll lose all her fun and provide you with suitable food going forward.

stbrandonsboat · 31/12/2022 16:03

She's one of these arrogant thickos who doesn't believe in allergies. Ds1's grandmother was like this and used to feed him stuff with nut warnings on. He ended up in hospital Hmm

Don't stay with these people. They need to be avoided because they're dangerous.

jay55 · 31/12/2022 16:04

Who serves rolls with pizza? That's so random.

Get snarky, "Still trying to poison the grandchild"
"No food for the breastfeeding mum again."

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 31/12/2022 16:08

I stopped going to their home. We ate out after that. They insisted on meeting at breakfast time. Huge fry ups. Grim. They also tried to insist I bf dc in the disabled toilets... Eh no. When our marriage was obviously over (to me anyway!) I stopped seeing them. Oh the bliss!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 31/12/2022 16:10

Notanotherone123 · 31/12/2022 15:02

I have a child with a severe allergy and family members who didn't believe in the existence of the allergy. They cooked with the allergen and didn't tell me, that ended in a 999 call and a trip to hospital, we haven't eaten there since.

Maintaining a relationship or not unless she takes these allergies seriously I'd be putting my foot down and refusing to eat there again. A child's wellbeing is at risk, and as dramatic as that sounds you need to get that message across.

Did they apologise, when your child had to be whisked off in an ambulance, @Notanotherone123? Were they at all sorry, or apologetic, or shocked at what they had done to your child?

It horrifies me to hear that there are people who are so arrogantly sure they are right about food allergies that they would risk the health - even the life - of another person. I hope you told them exactly what you thought of them.